Everything I Do, I Do For You

Chapter 17

Belinda hid in the bathroom waiting for her mother to arrive.

"I am absolutely the stupidest person I have ever met" she told herself repeatedly.

She tried to reason why she had let herself fall for him. He had done nothing but annoy her with honesty and flattery. Two characteristics that any other woman would enjoy. It shouldn't have worked on her like that. She should have been better.

Her mind went to the conversation she had with Caroline just the day before. This. This feeling of betrayal. This is why she detested the idea of being married. If Caroline could have just left her alone, this would not have been an issue. Belinda was perfectly content with being in a constant state of unknown. But she let her damned sister get in her head.

She heard a knock on the bathroom door. "Who is it?" She tried to compose herself as best as she could on the off chance that it was someone else.

"It's me dear," Belinda was relieved to hear her mother's voice.

"Come in" Belinda answered.

"You know I am used to you hiding out like this," her mother started, but then quickly changed her sentence, "Belinda darling what has happened?"

Belinda broke out into a full sob, "It's that God-forsaken Kellan Butler." Three years of secretive feelings suddenly escaped her, "I spent this whole season playing along with him, just to get him to eventually leave me alone. I was so stupid."

"I see," her mother answered compassionately.

"But then I made the biggest mistake that any woman could ever make, I fell in love with him. And I thought he felt the same way about me. God, I even let him kiss me. But no, I was nothing more than a key player in some bet that he had made with some other young man. I have never felt more betrayed in my life."

"Oh Belinda" she felt her mother put her arm around her shoulder, noticing her untied bodice. At that moment, Belinda prayed her mother wouldn't say anything about it. And her prayer was answered, "I am so sorry."

"I told you there was no point in me trying this season. I do not want to get married." she did not mean to put the blame on her mother, but she just didn't know how to express such anger and sadness.

"Are you sure he doesn't feel the same way about you? Belinda dear, you do tend to jump to conclusions some times." The duchess tried her best to console her daughter.

"He gave me this letter, all about how he wagered 500 pounds to win me over. I feel like a deck of cards." Belinda rubbed her eyes.

Belinda felt her mother begin to retie her dress the rest of the way. She was grateful for her mother's continued silence on the unspoken issue. "I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel my dear, but I want to let you know that you are allowed to feel this hurt. What he did is beyond despicable, and if you wish, I can have your father take care of him. You do know he has all of that pent up anger left over from Robert's foibles."

Belinda tried to laugh, "I don't know." she confessed, "Perhaps it is because I was blinded by what I thought was love, that I don't want anything bad to happen to him. And if something bad happens to him, I want to be responsible for it."

"Now that sounds more like my Belinda." the duchess said smiling. She gave her daughter a hug. "Why don't we go home. I won't expect you to attend any more events for the next two weeks if that would make you feel better."

"I... I... I made love to him" Belinda broke out in a fresh sob, "I have made the biggest mistake a woman could ever make."

"I know. I know." Daphne tried her best to reassure her daughter, "and if this were any other circumstances, I think I would be a lot more mad at you. But I want you to know that everything will be alright. Now come along, we can sneak out the back if that would make you feel better."

"I have ruined our entire family's status." Belinda said she had been crying so much that she stumbled getting up.

"No more than your father and I already have, I'm sure of it. Now come along. I can have someone go get your father."

"No" Belinda rubbed her eyes, "I want the rest of the ton to know that I am alright. That I am still firm in my beliefs that I do not need to marry. I will walk out of here with pride. If I hide away, people will realize that I am not as strong as I seem. I let Kellan Butler win if I hide away." Through her utter embarrassment, Belinda tried to hold on to her convictions.

"And if someone asks why you have been crying?" Her mother asked.

Belinda tried to put on a brave face, "Tell them I realized how sad it was that men would try to waste their time on me, so I cried out of pity."

"If you insist."

Belinda Bassett, arm in arm with her mother made her way back into the St. Clair ballroom. She hoped that Kellan would see her. She wanted him to know that he may have temporarily won, but she was unphased. On the outside, she wanted him to be afraid.

On the inside, her body shook with fear and doubt. What if she was expecting another child at any moment. Surely her mother was not making a big deal out of the issue now, but having a bastard was a different story. She tried to come up with a solution. She would hide herself away if she was expecting, mask it as one of those religious pilgrimages many made. Then after she had said bastard, she would lie and say it was an orphan she had come to pity and raise as her own. Improbable yes, but unlikely, no.

When she finally made it home that evening, Belinda let out one last private sob in her bedroom. From now on, she told herself, she would never let anyone get to her that way again.