Almost, Always

1. Almost

For the what-ifs, could haves, should haves, and maybes

To every unanswered question, words left unsaid, unkept promises, and the thoughts that keep us up at night

For the chances, we didn't take,

For the things that didn't happen,

And for the people, we couldn't have.

This one's for you.

—

It has been almost 2,922 days.
70,128 hours.
And 4,207,680 minutes.

How long will this heart of mine keep on beating for you?

It was like any other day when I got a notification from my email.

Scheduled Email Sent

Huh?

Oh... It finally got sent today.. I've completely forgotten about this.

A few years ago, when I finally decided to move on from Anthony, I made a scheduled email as a way of saying goodbye. It took me long to send it. I made drafts after drafts. But, I didn't have the strength to finish every single letter and email I've made. It's as if once I've finished it, it feels like saying goodbye. And saying goodbye to all our memories is the last thing I want.

How do you let go when this pain is the last thing you have of that person?

The scheduled email I made was set to be delivered 4 years from that time. I was still the old Emily Cavanaugh that was hopelessly in love with him. Even though it was probably a one-sided relationship. We dated, I have him, but I never really had him.

If you know what I mean?

Loving someone more than they can ever love you?

But.. it's okay. I have so much love, it's enough for the both of us.

Or so I thought..

I clicked on the notification and read the scheduled email I sent:

To the man who was never truly mine,

I have a few regrets in my life. And not being able to tell you about what I truly felt, is one of them. It was after when you sat next to me and I rest my head on your shoulder that I felt as if my head was meant to rest in yours. I don't know what it was. It was as if I have known you all my life and us meeting again was not the first time that we did.

Slowly, without realizing it, I was falling for you. And you said you felt the same way. I don't know if it was the way you looked at me, the way you held me, the way you kissed me, the way you looked after me, or the way we made love, I don't know what it was. But I fell for you in between the silence, the conversations, the gaze, the touch...everything. Oh, how I would never forget the way you looked at me that night when it was only the light of the lamp illuminating both of our faces. How you told me I was beautiful. I have heard those words many times before, but only when they came out of your mouth did I ever believe that it was true.