Love me! [illumi X Oc]

Chapter 19

TRIGGER WARNING: slight mentions of r@pe and blood.

Arisus pov

-

Right now I feel like I'm sitting in a dark room. No, I am sitting in a dark room. There's no light here, not even dim lighting.

Regardless, I feel safe now, I feel like nothing can touch me right now, I feel like my demons are enveloping me in their own warm darkness.

I see myself right now, I see through this darkness and I see my dark bloody eyes staring back at me. I see how I'm holding myself tightly, while blood is slowly gushing from my arms and knees.

I see how my hair is a mess, I see how my face is tear-stained and slashed with small cuts. I see how I'm holding myself with my bloody hands. 

I feel myself being yanked into my body and I'm caressing a broken heart right now,

I broke it myself, there's no one else to blame but me. I'm trying to fix it though. I'm trying to stitch it back together, I stopped the bleeding already but if I move it too harshly my efforts won't matter.

I'm in this room because I don't want to be around others right now. They always think I care about their issues, I have to pretend like I do because that's what this heart would want.

I don't care though, I'm tired of acting like I do.

It's tiring to pretend like I give a shit but I don't want to lose the last shred of humanity I have left.

I like seeing a certain person cry now, he was once the person who I wanted to see happy.

Now though I love seeing him in pain. Nobody else is inflicting that pain onto him. He's doing it to himself.

I hope he continues to tear himself to shreds, I really do. 

He's the reason I'm now sitting in this room, trying so desperately to hold onto my humanity. I hate him.

At moments I can still feel his rough hands caressing my body. I can still hear his low grunts and I suddenly remember how gross and disgusting I felt at that moment. 

I lied to myself that day, I told myself I wanted whatever he was giving me. I told myself that he loved me, that it was my fault for not saying that simple no. I forced myself to enjoy the pain between my legs and tried to mask that feeling of disgust and anger with the feeling of love and acceptance. 

I hated seeing my body now, but I hated seeing the person looking back at me more. I hated the person in me, I hated not only my physical self but also my tainted tattered soul. 

"Arisu??" I hear a voice that holds familiarity from somewhere above. It sounds muffled as if I were beneath water. I barely pay it any mind though, I don't want to leave my safe space. I don't want to come back to the real world, I don't want to. I feel cold hands make contact with the warmness of my body and I back away from him. 

I'm still looking down at the sand and I hold myself tighter. I don't pay his flaring aura any mind, I just turn to myself and bury my head in between my knees. I don't need anyone by my side right now. I don't want anyone seeing me in this state of mind, this place is supposed to be my safe space where nobody but me is allowed.

I don't hear or feel Illumi around me anymore and I let out a shaky breath. I feel my eyes sting with hot tears and I shut my eyes. I hold myself tighter and allow my own darkness to take control of my emotions. A sudden wave of anger arises in me and I allow it to nip away at my soul. Of course he left, what do I expect any more? I shouldn't expect anything from people who can't give but only take. He's the same as gin, I'm sure of it. 

-

I open my eyes and see that I'm in my room.  I look down and see a needle stuck in my arm and I cringe. I hate needles. 

"Good, you're awake." I look to the side and see Illumi sitting there. I suddenly feel a sharp pain in my head and I reach to hold my head. 

"I-Illumi?" I ask him and he nods. 

"Who else?" He states and leans closer to me. "Would you like me to explain what happened to you? Or may I take my leave?" He asks. 

I give him a confused look and get another sharp pain in my head. I lay down and hold a pillow above my face to take away from the pain in my head. 

"Explain please, if you don't mind."  I take the pillow out of my face and see Illumi standing over me. He touches my head and I wince in pain. 

"You got attacked by nen. That was a special kind of nen I personally have never seen before. It takes people to their lowest point and mentally tortures them until they can no longer be human and off themselves." I see him stop and tilt his head in my direction. "How do you feel?" Illumi asks me and I give him a confused look. 

"Sorry I mean, how would you feel if you saw a pair of starving children?" I widen my eyes at his question and I suddenly feel like crying. 

"I'd be sad and-" 

"Okay." Illumi narrows his eyes at me. "I called a nen exorcist for you but-" 

I hear my sisters laugh and I look over at the door. I completely forgot. I smile and jump out of the bed, I ignore the shooting pain I'm currently in and I see my sister smiling and laughing with my brother. I allow myself to tackle her with a hug and she shrieks in fear but soon realizes it's just me.

"Chiyo I'm so happy you're here" I hold her in a tight embrace and she tries to back away from me.

"Are you okay??" I grab her face and make her face me.

"Yes I am" she attempts to say but I'm holding onto her cheeks a little too tightly. I let her go and hold her in another tight embrace.

"Sue.. where's mom?" Chiyo asks me and I look over at my brother. My brother just looks away from me and at the ground.

"Mom... mom isn't going to be here with us anymore," I respond as honestly as I can.

"Your mother's dead," Illumi says from behind me and I turn to him with an angry expression.

"She is? Oh.. that's good?" Chiyo says and I turn to her with a look of confusion. I thought she would've been sad or at the very least confused. Chiyo thinks for a bit before she stands up with a smile and bows to Illumi.

"Thank you for saving me, green man." She says. I bite back a giggle and I turn to look at my brother so Illumi wouldn't see me laughing at him.

"Yes.. well I'll be leaving now." Illumi begins to walk to the door and I smile in his direction.

"Thank you!" I shout at him before the door closes. I look down at my arms and think about gin. I think it's time I break it off with him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/n: UHMMMM i hope you like this story.

This may be an inappropriate QUESTION; would y'all like smut? I think I can try it out just once.