The Giant and His Heart. [Light at the end of the tunnel]

Chapter 44 - "Let Me Introduce You To My Demons"

I never wanted the giant to ever see the extent in which my insecurities ran deep. I remember having a similar depression meltdown when I was still in High School. You guys know how students could be like. They were very mean, especially to someone they saw as different and also to someone they saw had a low self-esteem. So being picked on and teased about my weight was a daily occurrence. Okay Busi enough, tell them about the breakdown. Shut up brain! Ass! Always butting in my business. Anyway, I had a meltdown because there was this boy who was in the same class with me who had started to show interest in me. At first I didn't believe him when he said he liked me, but I saw his insistence so I convinced myself that his interest was genuine, and for once I also wanted to be loved people, because most of my peers had boyfriends and everything. So we started hanging out and stuff and I was in cloud nine. I seriously had thought I had found my soul mate. It was when he invited me to his home when I knew I had been played...that I had been stupid. That day I went home with him after school. I saw the smirks and knowing looks that he had shared with his friends when we were going but I paid no mind to it. I mean he was my first boyfriend...the first guy to show interest in me. When we got to his house, his parents were not home obviously, we went to his room. I started to regret my decision of agreeing to go home with him because I felt uncomfortable and uneasy. We started to kiss which was my first kiss of course. I saw no harm in kissing him, because I mean it was just a kiss. Then he started to get handsy. He grabbed my breasts, and at first I was shocked but I didn't tell him to stop. Then his hands went to pull up my skirt, and that is when I jumped away from him. The anger that he showed me that day, I will never forget until this day. I think he was the main contribution to my intimacy issues. I think I told you in the beginning of the story that I had a boyfriend who referred to me as being cold as ice. Yep, this was the guy. That is how I earned this nickname all throughout High School. Anyway, he started saying things like he was doing me a favor by being with me, and I should thank him since nobody wanted me. He even said that he risked his reputation to be with me, so I should at least repay him by sleeping with him. Yes people, the bastard had actually said that. I remember running out of there sobbing, and that was not even the worst thing. Yes, there was more. What caused my breakdown was what happened at school the next day. The rumors that were going around about me were so cruel, and the teasing and being laughed at had been too much. The bastard had lied and said that I had slept with him but I had been cold as ice in bed. He even described my body...how it looked like, which had been a turn off for him. Guys it had been bad. I was sent home early that day, and when I told my mother what happened she laughed and said I should just lose weight if I had a problem with my weight, and that wasn't even the point people. The point was, lies were being spread about me, which made the bullying ten times more than it was in the first place. I had closed myself in my bedroom that day, and everything that was said about me at school came flooding in my mind. I tried not to go in depression but it had been hard people, and what was worse, I had no support system. I remember that I didn't go back to school for over a month that year. I would be lying to you if I told you how I got out of the depressive state I was in, but I remember how bad it had been. As the years went by the negative voices in my head were still there but I was able sometimes to ignore them because I didn't want to be consumed by them like I was now.

The giant was still rocking me like a baby in his arms. I had his t-shirt clutched with both of my hands. He had to save me. That was what I kept thinking. He shouldn't abandon me like how my mother did. What do you expect? You're a useless and worthless human being, everybody will leave you. I tried to dispute the voice but I was already deep inside my mind so it was pointless. Even your own mother doesn't want you, so how do expect him not to leave you and land into the arms of Andy.
Me: "Noooo!" I said screaming out in pain. Yes! The voice replied... "please Zano...don't leave me...please." I said sobbing into his chest.
Zanoxolo: "I will never leave you woman. You're my heart." He said strongly holding me tightly. He's lying. He will leave you. How can you compete with Andy? The voice asked laughing... "whatever those voices in your head are saying, don't listen to them. Do you hear me Busi? Don't listen baby. I know very well how loud they can get but please try by all means to block them." He begged. I wished I could block them, but I didn't know how.
Me: "I-I...can't." I sobbed.
Zanoxolo: "Yes you can woman. You're my superwoman, you can do anything. Just focus on me okay?" He said holding my face with both of his hands making me look at him. The fear, desperation, love and devotion I saw in his eyes made my heart squeeze painfully. This man loves me. He won't leave me. No, don't listen to him. Remember what happened in High School? They're all liars. They pretend to love you when they don't. I closed my eyes groaning in misery... "baby don't. Look at me. Focus on my eyes. Tell me what they're saying." Don't do it. They're all liars. A lot of voices began chanting 'Liars!' over and over again. I screamed shaking my head.
Me: "Please...please...please...he loves me...he has to...please."
Zanoxolo: "Woman!" He shouted so loud that the voices went quiet for a second. I opened my eyes in shock. Oh my gosh, tears were rolling down my giant's cheeks... "you fucking listen to me okay?" He said in the dangerous voice of his... "I'm not going lose you to those voices in your head so you better listen because I won't repeat myself. You're my heart. Do you understand that?" He growled... "I said do you understand?" I gave a little nod. I think I did, but even though the voices were not as loud, I was still confused. He loves me right? Who? Him...the man...the giant. I don't know...I think so. He doesn't look like a liar... "so I'm not going to leave you. Never!" He pressed his mouth hard against me... "so come back to me woman." My eyes were widened. I touched my lips with my fingers. They were tingling. His lips had felt familiar against me. He looks like he does love you. He's crying. I touched his tears on his cheeks with my fingers. I don't know why but they felt foreign. He shouldn't be crying. Why? I shook my head. Something was telling me that this man shouldn't be crying...that he didn't cry. Why? I don't know. Why? Stop it. There's still Andy. I closed my eyes. She's still beautiful, sexy and-. Stop! I screamed and the voices quieted down... "yes baby, tell them to go away." He said pulling me to him, hugging me tightly.