Third Times The Charm

1

TW: anxiety

As I entered the room I was immediately hit with a wave of overwhelming emotion, there's no name for this emotion it just kind of.. exists? I envy those who have never felt it, I can't help but feel pity towards those who haven't at the same time.

It's that feeling you get before you breakdown, you feel full but then you think about it and remember there's nothing there to fill you and it just washes away to make you feel like you can't go on anymore, there's nothing left; The only difference is I don't get the relief of breaking down.

I just stand there, my head hollow as I try to take in my surroundings. I walk over to his desk, the desk I built when I managed to free him. I can feel my hand shaking as I reach to the drawer he never let me open, but I can't control my body anymore. I stared at the contents of the drawer, my vision began to blur as I made out a small, brown book; The same brown book he held on to everyday as if his life depended on it.

Below the book were tear stained pieces of paper scattered everywhere in horrible condition. I wipe my eyes to try distinguish what they are. As I pick one up I drop to my knees, my vision blurring again rapidly.

The letters. Every single one, he kept them. Every single letter I sent to him before he was free; Before I made the worst decision of my life.

I pick up the book from inside the drawer and hug it to my chest, like he always did. I always wanted to know what was in that book, any time I asked he always replied with the same thing: "the only thing I'll ever love." I always hated that anwser, it hurt knowing he'd never love me as much as whatever was in that book. I loved him, I really did; but loving him is the reason I don't have him.

I shouldn't have been so nieve, I was living like the main character in a book, I tried to be the hero. That was my first mistake, my second mistake was believing that love really did exist unconditionally. I learned that the only real love that will ever exist will always be unrequited.

I shook myself out of my pathetic trance. I decided not to read the book, I just left it at the door with the pile of letters to bring home, this was my home, it was our home, but I fucked it all up. I began to pack his things into boxes, I promised not to waste any more time with memories and to just get the job done. It took me just over two hours before I was finally leaving that room, heading to my bed, our bed; For the last time.

....................................................................................

I set down the book and pile of old letters on my bedside table. I feel guilty reading these letters, I was happy then and so was he. I made him happy. The words on these letters were the last thing I said to him.

I laid down under the covers, grabbing the book from under the papers. I slowly untied the brown lace keeping the book closed, and opened the first page. A diary? His diary. The top of the page read 29th of August 2018. I didn't know him then, I met him the day after; In our park, his safe place. My eyes drifted down the page at the messy writing, it read:

'My mum bought be this book. She told me to keep it close to me at all times and never let dad see it. I'm not sure why, she said it was like a journal. Mum loves to write, she's going to be an author one day! One day I'll walk into her favourite book shop and she'll be there. Her name plastered on signs with a display of her novel underneath. I just know dad will be so proud of her.'

Every emotion I felt before I read this had been washed away; I was speechless, or thoughtless I suppose. His life was perfect, this is the life he lived before he met me. This is the life I ruined.

I sat in my bed with nothing to do but read about when he had no worries. It was my first day at college tomorrow, I should be scared but I haven't even had time to think about it.

After about five minutes I realised I had dissociated again. I silently cursed myself for it before resuming my reading.

'I'm not really sure what to write about, nothings happening. I'm just sitting in my bed with this book in my hands. It's my first day at my new school tomorrow. I'm nervous but I haven't really thought about it too much.'

I laugh at how stupid this is. I should be crying but I can't anymore; I have no tears left to cry. Of course the world works like this, he must of done it. He's up there laughing at me right now, he planned this as a way for me to be reminded of him everyday; Not that I needed another reminder.

I look at my phone for confirmation. Yep, just as I suspected the date read August 29th 2021. Three years apart yet we're both doing the same thing.

I decided I'd read a page a day, I'd give into his game. I don't feel like fighting anymore.

i love you. go to sleep and drink water