the shadows ballad ° kaz brekker

chapter 9

chapter 9:
the heartbreak.
Nyx

"Absolutely not."

"Kaz, please! You're the only one who can do it," I pleaded with him, so lucky that I had closed the door and so no one could hear us arguing.

"I'm not killing one of my best," He replied, stern as his jaw was set.

"If Aleksander gets to me, it's your deaths! He will not hesitate to use me to get what he wants, and I know you. I know that you all will come after him, and he'll make me kill you. So," I placed a high caliber gun on his desk, a light mist forming over my eyes.

"You'll do it before I have to kill you."

"You're a Shadow Summoner, Nyx, in case you've forgotten."

I chuckled dryly, "and nowhere near as experienced as him. He has the high ground over all of us."

"You will walk out of my office, and you will not ever mention this to me agai-"

"No!" I shouted.

What don't you understand?

"You don't think I'm not terrified? I-I don't know what the afterlife is like, I don't know if I'm to actually become an angel and watch over my family, o-or to just spend eternity in darkness and that scares me, Kaz," A few tears ran down my cheeks, "because I don't want to die. I thought that I'd be eternal, that I'd go on to be a Saint, but now I know that that isn't in the cards for me. It-It never was."

My voice broke down, and it seemed like Kaz finally realized the weight of what I was carrying as he set his hands on the desk and stared down.

"If me dying means that I can protect my family, then I'll do it. I-I'm not going to lie and say that I'm n-not scared, but I'd rather die than watch you die. He would finally let the darkness in, he-he would control me physically and let me watch as he makes me tear you apart, a-and I can't stand the thought of it," A broken sob escaped my throat, so torn between wanting to live and attempt to fight my brother but also knowing his power and strength and knowing that my death is the only way.

"Inej will be broken, but you'll have to help her get through it. It's going to tear her apart, and it hurts because she's like a sister to me. J-Jesper won't speak, he'll refuse to gamble or go out, and he may even start drinking day and night, but that's why I need you to forget about me," He looked up at me.

"Forget I existed. Forget that you found me, forget that I was even a Grisha - you need to act like I was a faint dream and block me out."

"You can't ask that of me," Kaz looked like he wanted to cry, and even scream at me as his face only became tighter as he tried to fight off his own emotions.

"I know," I replied in a sad tone.

"I just. . .it's going to hurt so much because I love you."

Kaz froze, and I felt like I heard his heart stop.

"I love you all so much, and I know that word makes you uncomfortable, but I do. You're my family," I explained, shocking myself by not saying that first and just telling Kaz that I loved him.

But, I didn't, at least not like that.

So why is my heart beating so fast?

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So do you think Nyx actually meant that she loved Kaz, at least subconsciously? Obviously this was the conversation they had before leaving Ketterdam, so do you think Kaz is going to realize his feelings for Nyx?