It's 3am and I'm still awake ...
Why I can't sleep ?! Because I'm hungry and all I can think about is food !
cheesy pizza, chips, pancakes, peanut butter jelly sandwiches , etc.
I really want to binge, to eat everything what's in the fridge. But I try to avoid binge/purging or fast/binge sessions.
So I'm drinking cold water and watching unhealthy food diaries on YouTube to avoid myself from eating.
I know this sounds terrible and disgusting and I don't know why I'm doing this to myself ...
It feels like I'm able to resist food, although I really wanna eat
Well, it's the kind of control I love to have and that's why I can't just give it up. It's sick, I know !
I'm afraid of being with my family this weekend because of all these fucking food ...
This week I've started again (after a very long time) with the abc diet.
Today - well now bc it's already 3am I should say yesterday - was day 4, which means 400 calories.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday everything was fine, and than Thursday ... I start doing it well, but than I can't hold myself back from the fridge.
It wasn't a binge !
Actually I had all my calories consumed for today (yesterday what ever) but I keep eating a low fat yogurt and a apple cinnamon porridge ... So my calories for today were 800, which means twice as much as I actually have planed.
I know it's still not enough for a healthy eating.
But rn I really cannot imagine to consume more than 700 calories a day...
It's hard to explain what's going on in my head, and maybe if you've got an eating disorder you may understand how easy you can trigger yourself, just by putting yourself under pressure !
