Clouds and Stars

Chapter One

"I am here, and I am the only person who has always been here for you," I splutter through the burning tears streaming down my face.

"Fuck off, you ruined my life the day you were born!"

Such loving words scream from my mother's mouth.

"Sally, you can't keep treating me like this. You have to listen to me because I am looking out for you. Darren isn't! He is stealing money from us, he uses drugs and he is always drunk. I don't know how many reasons I have to give you that he is a bad person, and you need to get rid of him," I argue back.

She continues to be blind to her new boyfriend all of three months, "Me and Darren are none of your fucking business Maddy! He cares for me so much more than you do-"

"By getting you drunk blind every other night? He's the reason you lost your job and he's the reason you've neglected me yet again."

"I am sick of you talking to me like this after letting you live with me for so long! I want you gone and out of my sight. Leave," Sally screams back in my face before snatching an empty glass off the side of the sink and throwing it at the wall next to me.

I duck and crouch shaking in shock. Holding back my angry tears I grab my coat and I rush towards the door. I need to get air.

"I'm going to Darren's and when I get back tomorrow, I don't want to see you ever again!" Sally shouts after me as I pull the door shut behind me.

I just needed a minute to breathe. My mother is infuriating. Ever since my dad died, she has gone even further down in a spiral of neglect and abuse. She has fallen into such a terrible toxic routine of a new man every other month. And yes, there have been many creeps along the way. I am done with her.

I am done trying to save her. She is pulling me down with her and I need to help myself. I make this realisation whilst doing one of the most reckless activities a young girl can do in the 21st century – walking alone through the park at night. And with not one person knowing or even caring about where I am or if I am even alive.

We used to be such a happy family. I adored my father and even though my mum has always had her issues, dad brought out the best side of her. They were surely soulmates. That's why when she got a new boyfriend about six months later, it hurt.

Sally turned to drink straight away. I never got a chance to grieve because I had to work to make sure we didn't lose the house as well as my dad. My mum's family couldn't help, they saw that everything Sally was doing was self-inflicted. They helped for about a year with payments and cooked dinners, but Sally never appreciated any of it. So, they cut their losses and stopped visiting or contacting her, and that included me too. This has been my life for the past four years. Sally has constantly been stuck in this endless cycle of bad decisions, from drink to drugs to God knows what.

I keep thinking about how I need a start over. I am ready to leave. I sigh deeply as this decision feels like such a weight off my shoulders. Sally doesn't want me, so I am going to stop fighting for her to stay in my life. I might have to follow in my family's footsteps and focus on myself for a change.

I walk to the railings along the bridge I find myself on. I need to catch my breath as I have been walking for about a mile. I look at the water rushing below me. We are all so insignificant in consideration of the whole world. What do I do with myself now?

I ring my cousin. I haven't seen her in years. We were so close, and she was there for me when my dad passed away. She only had to follow the rest of the family because she was only young herself. Although she is five hours away now, we have always kept in touch one way or another. We had a friendship that could go through anything from pregnancy to Sally. I know she will be there for me now that I need her too.

I walk to sit on a weathered-looking bench near the bridge. There is a lamppost with a lost dog poster taped to it and a warm humming light shining down on me. I pick up my phone. It is almost midnight so I worry I will be waking her, but I need help and I have no one else to call right now. She will be able to tell me where I can go or what I should do. She knows this feeling. I scroll through my contacts and go straight to Sadie's number, pressing to ring her tentatively. To my relief, she answers almost immediately.

Without a second thought, I blurt out everything that has been going on with Sally. The frustration and fear just hit me as I am talking, and I can't help but cry. I tell Sadie everything my mum has said and how I need advice for where to go and what I can do. Her soft voice slowly soothes my weeping.

She jumps at the chance to help and says giggling, "I would love some help around here with the baby on the way too, Maddy!"

This makes me feel so much more comfortable, talking to her calms me so much and I know going to stay with her for a couple of weeks until I am on my feet will be the best thing for me. Sadie tells me she has booked me a train and to just pack as much as I can carry, and she will be there when I get to Hillford train station.

I tell Sadie how much I love and appreciate her before putting the phone down. I sit on this damp park bench for another five minutes before I get up and start to walk back home. I can't live with Sally anymore. She will have to learn how to fend for herself. She is like a leech draining all the love and energy and money from me. I will take a month to build myself back up and then I will be able to support her better.

Now feeling both energetic and relieved to have half a plan together, I slightly enjoy my work back and push my earphones further in my ears as they clink against my gold sunshine earrings. I zip up my coat further and look at the beautiful sky above me. When the sky is wonderful like this it looks like it was painted to reflect pure beauty. With each cloud and star caressed perfectly over the canvas. It always reminds me of my dad who used to always tell me when I am sad, happy or just looking at the sky I have to remember my soulmate is out there staring into the same stars. I miss him.

When I walk back through the door, I look down at the glass that is still smashed all over the floor. I remember that there is no more I can do for that woman right now. I am not chasing her anymore; she has decided what she wants to do. I'll let Darren look after my narcissistic mother.

I just need to go to the only person who can help me right now.

I do everything Sadie told me to. I pack a case and a backpack with as many clothes as I can. Before I know it, I have packed all of my toiletries, chargers, books and everything in-between. No doubt the rest will probably be burnt one night Sally is out of her head.

I just keep thinking of the fact I have someone who cares now, somewhere to go. I leave a note for my mother that I'm going to Sadie's, and she can ring me if she is ever ready to talk. Locking the door behind me with the whole of my 17 years in two bags. I post my keys through the letterbox, officially saying goodbye to this life. This is going to be the start of the rest of my life. I have so much hope for this new journey.