MINE! (Complete)

P7- The Heartache Loving You Brings

Looking over at the figure sleeping on the other side of the bed to me I sigh and then guiltily allow myself to think that the brown hair belongs to someone else. That when he turns over it will be honey coloured eyes that meet me and crinkle in a smile instead of green, that it will be a soft, Canadian accent calling me baby instead of English

I run a hand over my face as my chest burns with shame

Harry doesn't deserve this, he doesn't deserve a girlfriend that would lie next to him and think of someone else. He's been nothing but good to me, the first guy I could spend time with and not long for Shawn and now here I am, two encounters with my ex and he's all I can think about once more, all I can dream about.

Running my fingers through my tangled hair I can't help but wish that Shawn had never come back, or maybe what i'm really wishing is that he had never left.

I push the covers back and step out of bed, and then reach for my lemon coloured robe, tying it tightly around my body

"You're up early" I turn back to the bed and Harry facing me, his hair ruffled, his eyes heavy "Can't sleep?"

"I have a busy day at work, I wanted to make an early start"

"I thought you were working from home today, we were going to get breakfast"

"My boss called me in" It's a lie but I can't help but tell it, I need space and my office seems like the perfect place right now

"Is this about Shawn?"

"No" it falls over my lips too quickly and I can tell how guilty it makes me sound

"It's okay if it is" he pushes himself up in the bed and sits with his naked back against the cream, velvet headboard "He was a big part of your life, I get that, it's bound to be hard seeing him again, especially when he's so intense"

"I'm sorry about last night"

I mean to say I'm sorry that Shawn kissed me, I'm sorry he put his hands on me and I'm so, so sorry that I liked it and how much I wanted more but I don't say it. How can I? How can I tell my boyfriend the only thing that's on my mind is another guy? And not just any other guy, the guy.

The guy that left me so battered and so broken and so vulnerable, the guy he helped me to recover and move on from.

I can't say any of this to him so I just smile and tell him I need a shower and cringe when he suggests hopping back into bed

"You weren't in the mood last night either" he complains but he doesn't look mad

"Give me some time"

"He's no good for you Camila, please tell me you remember that, that you remember what he did"

"I remember" I whisper and then turn and head towards the bathroom, Harry's loud sigh of frustration hanging in the air behind me

***************

"What aren't you telling me?" Asks Jenni as she breaks off bread from her sandwich and throws it towards the ducks that are swimming happily in the pond

"You won't want to hear it"

"So it's Shawn?" I drop my gaze to my knees and pull at a loose thread on my denim cut offs "Camila why is it alway Shawn?!"

"I don't know"

"He hurts you time and time again and still you go running back to him. I thought after getting himself sent to jail that maybe you would finally see sense but here we are, sat by the pond on a beautiful morning, feeding the ducks and still talking about Shawn fuckin Mendes" She flops down onto her back and covers her eyes with her arm in frustration

"I told Harry I was working"

"You're lying to him Camila?!"she pushes herself up onto her elbows "Because Of Shawn?!"

"We bumped into him in a club last night"

"Yeah? What did he say?"

"Just made it very obvious he wants me back and it's isn't going to respect my relationship with Harry"

"Of course he won't respect it, he doesn't respect anything or anyone, not even you!"

I cringe as her words ring loud in my ears

"He always says he's changed, he always says he won't hurt you again and we always end up sat, talking about how you're going to forgive him. When does it stop Camila?"

"It has stopped" I say it quietly not quite believing myself

"You're thinking about him again"

"I can't help it! God I wish I could just turn a switch and it would be like Shawn and I never happened but I can't he's always in here" I tap my temple as I feel the first sting of tears "And in here" I whisper tapping my chest "I love him"

"But he doesn't love you girl when are you going to get that?! I know it hurts Camila but he will just let you down again. You have Harry, he's a good guy, a great guy. Don't let him be one more thing Shawn Mendes takes from you"

"But I feel dirty when he touches me now, it just feels so wrong"

"Well you're just going to have to suck it up and get past it. Camila, you have got to let Shawn go, let him continue making a mess of his own life, don't let him make a mess of yours, okay?" She kisses her pointer finger and presses it to the tip of my nose but I pull away sharply, trying to hold back the tears that are threatening as I think about letting Shawn go for good, Jenni is right. This has to end. I can't keep putting myself through the heartache loving Shawn brings

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