MINE! (Complete)

P19- I Lost Everything

I watch as Camila fiddles uncomfortably with the plaid blanket and try to work out where to start.

She's pissed at me for not just agreeing to let that shit with her workmate go but no matter how I want to please her and want her to forgive me he can't just be allowed to get away with what he did. Camila is my girl and I will protect her with fire. If she doesn't understand that then I don't know how to explain it to her

Hector Hernandez... another thing I'm not sure I can explain in a way she will understand, all I know is I owe her an explanation and I just hope to fuck she stays with me after it, because no matter how I put it I don't come out of this smelling of roses

"So?" She asks and I can tell she nervous, the breath she takes after speaking is shaky and I want to grab her and hold her and promise her it will be alright even though I'm not sure that it will be

This is our second first date and now, entangled in this conversation I'm afraid it will become our last

"Promise to listen to everything I have to say before you judge me?" I see her gulp, she knows this isn't going to be good but I know Camila and I know she knows me, she knows my heart and I have to trust she will see through my actions and see my reasons

"My dad is in... protection. Local business owners pay him to protect their property and their staff"

"From?" She doesn't look up at me, now fiddling with the silver ring she is wearing on her thumb and for a second I forget what I'm saying and wonder who gave it to her. It looks beautiful and expensive and I feel bitter that it will be a long time before I can afford to buy her anything quite as nice

"From him... if they didn't pay up he would make sure they lost every customer, their property would be damaged, their staff intimidated. If they didn't want to lose everything they had, everything they had ever worked for they paid up and they paid up on time"

"Innocent business owners had to pay your dad their hard earned money or he would put them out of business? That's so shit Shawn"

She looks so disappointed in me that I question whether I should go on, but I can't lose Camila and I know the truth is the only way to keep her

"Yeah I know, he's been doing it since he was my age, he makes a lot of money"

"Other people's money" I nod, I know, the truth is the truth though and unfortunately the truth of my father's 'business' is far from pretty

"When your dad kicked you out you were so upset and I felt so guilty. It was because of me, because I wasn't good enough for you"

"My dad was the one in the wrong, he didn't even know you"

"But he knew of me, knew the reputation the name Mendes had"

"He should have got to know you instead of judging you by your name" she glances up at me but it's as though she can't bare to look at me until she knows everything I have to share

"He was never going to give me that chance. I thought if I got us an apartment and I kept you in school he would see how much I really did love you and how I only wanted the best for you. I um..." this time it's my turn to fiddle with my gold signet ring, this is where the story turns messy, it's where I start to risk losing everything

"I asked my dad for some money he said no... obviously, but he gave me the chance to go work for him. At first it was just collecting and delivering packages... cash I found out later. He can't put it into a bank so he gets rid of it other ways"

Camila heaves in a breath and then rubs her leg and I wish it was me touching her instead of spilling my soul

"I'm a um... big guy and I can take care of myself so eventually he persuaded me to get more involved in the physical side, I didn't hurt anyone but I used my size and attitude to intimidate anyone that wouldn't pay up"

"Shawn..."

There's that disappointment again and I can't bare it, I have disappointed everyone my whole life I should be used to it by now but when it's Camila that look really cuts deep

"I know, look, I was young, I had put all this insane pressure on myself by trying to prove I was the man and I could support an apartment and you and still go to school and I was doing it but... at a cost"

"So what about Hector?"

Fast forward a few months Hector Hernandez, a name that will be imprinted on my brain for the rest of my life

"He wouldn't pay. No matter what we did. It turned into a vendetta for my dad. The more he did the more Hector refused to give in. Me and two other guys went to his restaurant that night, I'm not proud of this Camila but that was the first time I hit anyone. My dad had psyched us all up before hand, we had been drinking and he told us that if we didn't get him to pay the Mendes name would be a laughing stock, we would be a laughing stock, he wouldn't be able to pay us, I would lose the apartment, we had just lost the baby, I couldn't bare to put you through anything else so I did what he wanted. Held the guy whilst Louis hit him, kicked him when he was down, he took a beating and then paid us 2,000 dollars and we left. He was alive when we walked out of there Mila I promise he was. He was roughed up but nowhere near as bad as when the police found him on the street"

"Someone else got to him"

I drop my head knowing the next question is coming but knowing I can't run from it, not when Camila is what I risk losing

"Who was it Shawn? Why didn't you tell the police?"

"I couldn't Camila" I look at her, begging her to understand

"So It was your dad"

"Yeah" my voice is a whisper as the weight of my admission makes it hard for me to speak

"You spent 2 years in jail because you wouldn't name the person involved"

"He's my dad Camila"

"That obviously doesn't mean anything to him"

"But it means something to me" I reach for her hands but she pulls away and I begin to panic "Baby I know I shouldn't have got involved but I was doing it for us, I promise it was all for us"

"And yet us is what you lost"

"I have paid for what I did Camila, when I was sentenced, when I served my first year, when my parol was denied, when I was cornered by other inmates because I was a 'pretty boy' and when I lost you. I have paid and I have suffered please tell me I'm done paying, please tell me I don't have to lose anything else when I have already lost everything"