MINE! (Complete)

P14- I Can't Fix It Because There's Nothing Left To Fix

I stand in the wreckage of my bedroom, my knuckles bleeding, my throat raw and come to a cold, stark realisation

Camila and I are over

This time I can't talk my way out of it, I can't make a joke or give her the big puppy dog eyes she could never resist. I can't watch her pout and then kiss the pout away, this time the damage is too complete, it's just as she said, I can't fix it this time because there's nothing left to fix

I walk to my full length mirror that now bares a crack right down it's centre and can't help but feel as though we are two of the same, losing Camila has cracked me in half and I know for a fact I will never be whole again

Looking into the broken glass I see a man I don't recognise, I look the same as I always have but I'm a shadow... a shell... I'm empty, devoid of everything that kept me together and made me complete

Camila...

I watch as my bloodshot eyes fill with tears once more as I remember her arms around my neck, her lips against mine, her whispered words or love and adoration. I had been so desperate to keep her, so desperate to show her dad I was the kind of man he thought deserved her that I did the one thing I swore I would never ever do... I lost her

Fuck!

I slam my hand back into the glass, wishing I could shatter myself in the same way, break myself into so many tiny pieces that the wind could just carry me away until I didn't exist anymore. So I'm not able to damage and destroy every single good thing that comes into my life

She was mine and now she's someone else's

She did love me and now she loves someone else and fuck does that hurt

I don't know how to deal with this, I don't know how to let her go, I don't know how to get my brain to accept that no matter how I threaten or intimidate or beg she's not coming back to me this time.

She always comes back to me

She can't live without me...

This war rages in my mind between definitely knowing she's left me, I've lost her and this hope against hope that she still needs me, she can't be without me the way she always promised she would never be happy without me

How can she be happy without me when I'm such a mess without her?

I need something to calm this hurricane of emotions that's churning up my insides, I need to go out, to drink, to fuck, to fight. I need to numb my mind and finally forget about my past life and force myself to move on

I set the shower to hot and then strip off my clothes, stepping into the burning flow I enjoy the way it hurts, the water seeping into my open cuts momentarily hurting enough to make me forget the aching in my chest.

As I watch the blood mix with the water and flow down the drain I'm transported back to a time I spend my life trying to black out.

Camila and I stood in the shower

She was bleeding when she shouldn't have been bleeding

Our wet arms wrapped around each other as she sobbed against my chest

We were saying goodbye to our baby, to our family, to our dream

Slamming off the shower I walk naked back to my bedroom, carrying my towel with me. I dry off and then dress and my outfit only says one thing... looking to get laid

I don't care who she is, what she looks like as long as she has a vagina and doesn't look at all like Camila

I spray some cologne and then style my hair, a floppy 's' curl refusing to do anything I ask but I leave it hanging over my forehead, girls usually like it like that.

This is it...

This is the moment I leave her behind, when 'Camila Cabello' won't be the last girl I kissed or touched or made love to. After tonight it's going to be someone else, some nameless nobody that I have used in an attempt to fuck away my pain

Whoever you are I apologise now because when tomorrow comes, I will be long gone

I pick up my wallet and car keys and then take the short walk down the stairs to the front door, walking like a condemned man, slowly but with no choice of turning back

"Use something this time!" Shouts my dad from his 'office' in reference to what happened with Camila but I just ignore him and open the door

And there she is... standing on my doorstep, her hair in a high bun, her eyes wet with tears, her lip between her teeth and her arms wrapped around herself

"Camila..." our gaze meets for a second and then her hands are behind my head. Pulling me down to her as her lips search for mine and then take them greedily. I feel her tears flow against my skin but she keeps kissing and I keep letting her as I slide my hands behind her thighs and lift her to my waist our mouths devouring and rediscovering each other in a frenzied assault it's so hot, so... everything I ever wanted but eventually we pull away and rest our foreheads together as we attempt regain the control of our breathing

"Where are you going?" she suddenly asks and pulls away to gaze down at my outfit

"To get laid" I admit honestly "Why are you here?"

She pauses briefly and then her answer well and truly takes my breath away "To get laid" she whispers against my neck

Holy Fuckin Hell!!!

This girl...

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