𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚘𝚞𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚜𝚎 𝚟𝚒𝚒𝚒

Valentine's Day ( My Version )

Several times in the past I have been asked whether I am an anti-romantic. I simply shake my head and reply 'no'. Pfft, as if.... To put it quite plainly, I honestly just don't give a fu- I mean, a cat. A furry cat. That's what I meant hehe.... There are far more important things in life to focus on rather than *cough* that.

For example, the spider crawling on the kitchen counter, or crazy Swiftie theories that make no logical sense but you believe it anyways. The next door dogs sure need your attention and empathy. They've been whimpering all day. The geometry homework you've been procrastinating to complete all week. Let's not forget about dolphins or global warming, right? The list can go on and on and on and on and on and onnnnnn-

Sure, I may once in a while enjoy the sappy genre of.... you know *mumble* well, you know..... I'M NOT SAYING IT, M'KAY?? DEAL. WITH. IT. *breaks chair into half for no apparent reason* LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO *hides slithering snakes in your room* IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY, BUT YOU STARTED IT. * surrounds you in poison ivy* YEAH YOU STARTED IT. IT'S A GODDAMN FIRE IN THE--

*realizes this book exists*

Then Valentine's Day exists. The holiday when stores pressure you into buying high priced chocolates and roses for your so called Lover, who didn't even bother you buying anything in return. It just never occured tsk tsk. Time to bring out the spray paint and hammer and graffiti someone's car- better yet swoosh it off the road. Or set their house on fire. Better yet gift them poisonous lemons for their birthday or something.

Sheesh, don't ask me. Do I look like someone with experience in such a horrid holiday. *20 years go by* Answer is no.

As if it wasn't obvious enough, I hate Valentine's Day.

What's the point of it besides stores profiting off your money and feeling deeply depressed because nO oNe eVeR tELLs yOu tHeY lOvE yOu. In fact no one does love you. Sorry to break it to you Derren.

NOW SHUT UP YOU UNPLEASANT PEASANT AND SHIP ALL THESE BAGELS AND NEWSPAPERS TO APRIL'S PLACE!!

Where was I before Derren rudely interrupted my marvelous little rant about the worst holiday ever? Ah, yes.

I recall 2 years ago is when I begun to despise such a bloody celebration. On the other hand, My friend Richie, is a hopeless romantic inlove with the holiday and love itself.

*places finger on chin in a pensative manner* How do I explain the complicated concept of complete opposites who get along very well? Oh wait. I just did. I'm such a genius *pats self on back* *breaks bones while doing so*

SOMEONE CALL THAT BLOODY DOCTOR PLEASE

After hours of waiting for the no good doctor to arrive and repair my bones back to normal....

I am back and alive peasants hehe and *sigh* forced to finish my bore of a tale.

February 14 of 2020 during 2nd period Chee wanted me to be happy because it was Valentine's Day. Of course there was no real reason to be elated and smile in glee, so why would I? I instead sat there with a frowned expression and arms crossed, sketching something stupid on my journalism notebook.

However the festive heart candy Richie bribed me with said otherwise ( whaaaat? You'd give in too if candy was involved. Don't lie. It's bad. The dolphins will come for you if you do. You have been warned )

So by now you're probably dying of boredom, reluctant to hear another single syllable slip out. Well guess what? tHeRe'S mOrE *evil laughter* But don't worry, here's some s'mores. I'm not that mean.

Earlier that day an annoying classmate of mine pointed out that my sweats weren't red but.... *whisper* pink. Yes, you heard right. *shiver* pink.

That moment when I came into realization that my sweats were in fact a dark shade of pink: *screams in horror*

Pink was just a big no no back then. It'd be complicated to explain wHY *snore* OH NO, NONE OF Y'ALL ARE FALLING ASLEEP ON MY WATCH *throws bucket of water*

TIFFANY, WAKE UP OR NEXT TIME YOU WON'T BE SO LUCKY AND HOT WATER WILL GREET YOUR PRESENCE INSTEAD

*throws bucket of hot water* YOU'RE ASKING FOR THIS TIFFANY. I HONESTLY DON'T GIVE A FURRY CAT IF YOU'RE DREAM WAS FAR MORE INTERESTING THAN- *dolphin poofs out of the bucket*

sHIT-

It's....

.... Pennyphin. The worst dolphin of them all. Total rip off of Pennywise but far more dangerous.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE KIDS! I REPEAT, RUN FOR YOUR FURRY CAT'S LIFE KIDS!! NO NO, SAVE YOURSELVES FIRST! I'LL STAY HERE AND FIGHT OFF..... IT. *suspense music*

To be continued.... maybe. As of 05/05/21 I haven't finished the following chapter 'A Nightmare Dressed As A Dolphin' you guys in the future will soon read. And why are the italics still on? *shuts italics off *Btw I'm not anti-romantic but I HATE Valentine's Day for no valid reason. I'm sure everyone secretly does.