The Heart of a Soul

Chapter 5

Nagising ako nang madaling araw na nasa sahig na at wala sa kama. Napakamot ako sa magulong buhok at umikot ang mata sa paligid. Wala pa ako sa huwisyo at tila batang bagong silang na nagtataka kung bakit siya nasa mundo.

I snapped out of the reality and realize I was in my own room. Nasa sahig ako ngayon dahil malikot kung matulog at marahil nahulog galing sa kama. Kumakapit na lang sa dulo ng kama iyong puting kumot na ginamit ko at isang hila na lang ng paa ko ay mahuhulog na ito.

This happened to me all the time. Kapag maagang natutulog ng gabi ay madaling araw kung nagigising. What's worst is that when I wanted to go back to sleep, my mind would continue wandering in the nothingness of the dimension I created. Sa huli ay napupuyat ako kahit maaga namang natutulog dahil maaga ring nagigising.

Its just that I got used to sleeping late because Mama and Papa would always fight late at night. Nasanay rin akong nagigising nang madaling araw dahil may minsang inaabot na sila ng mga ganitong oras sa pag-aaway.

Hindi lang talaga nagpapatalo si Mama sa pinapaniwalaan niya... or more like the accusations she made so that my Father would seemed like the bad guy. At kapag alam natin ang totoo at gustong ipaalam iyon sa ibang tao, we will not stop talking it out on them until they believe.

My Mother knows the truth in the first place and altered it. Kahit anong sasabihin ni Papa, walang magbabago.

I sat on my study table. I took out my notebook and opened my laptop. I glanced at my tinted window and smiled at the bright moon. Aside from the blue radiation that illuminated the proportions of my face, the moon outside struck gentleness into my heart.

There were times like this where I feel at peace. However, I feel nothing but tranquillity. Iyong pakiramdam na parang lumulutang ka lang sa hangin. People would want this feeling after a bad day or a busy day. My life had been an undying routine ever since both of my parents were not home. I've been stuck with this feeling for a long time that I grow numb.

It's just peaceful, physically. It's relaxing. But my mind won't stop wandering in the dark void that I created. It grew accustomed to it that I don't even feel the fear anymore.

Dati, kinakatakutan ko lang ito. Iyong wala ka ng ibang maramdaman. Mapapabuntong hininga ka na lang, umaasang kakalabitin ka ng pakiramdam na matagal mo nang hinahanap. That was why even when our family strifes were painful to me, it was fine. It was fine as long as I can feel that I still have my heart inside me to feel.

Ngunit pati yata ang puso ko ay sumuko ng makiramdam.

I started writing little by little. Napapangiti naman ako dahil may pumapasok din kahit na kaunti sa document ko. Sinusulyapan ko nang ilang beses ang word count ko at lumalaki naman paunti-unti.

Whatever happens, I am proud of myself. Bago pa lang nangyari ang lahat, pakiramdam ko ay wala na akong dahilan para magpatuloy but when I look at every words I constructed, it's gradually growing despite not being able to understand myself. There's a little light that glimmers in my sky. That star gave me hope. If I will take steps little by little, I will reach the moon and stars.

After all, great achievements came from little steps.

There were times that I would feel bad for the world that I created—for the book and people that I made. It would seem like I am just using them to find my heart and to redeem myself. I am just using them to feel better about myself. That despite what had happen, I can still do something. Despite all the failures that occurred in my life, I am not a good for nothing. But God knows I genuinely love them. God knows that part of my reasons were for their sake.