Bluebirds Without Wings | Julie and the Phantoms

West

TW: Body horrors (in a nightmare starting in the second section), emetophobia (vomit again)

It was getting to be too much to have Julie so close to him, to feel her lips graze on his and to pretend it was all going to end up well. He managed to convince her to stay inside for one day, but she weakened him. She only had to ask a few more times before he broke, the same way he broke down about his past and fed her shards of it along with lies of Silvone. When did he let himself be so fragile, so open? At what point did his body start doing everything just to make her happy?

He watched Julie sleep on the couch with a book on her chest. He smiled and ran his towel through his wet hair, watching her breathe. His job was to keep her alive, and his real job was to keep a distance, to not overstep. And he had already. So many times. It was painful, and it ached in his chest like a hollow cavity getting wind blown through it.

He tapped her shoulder and whispered, "Princess. Princess." Julie's eyes fluttered opened and she yawned, smiling at him. "You should go to bed," he said. She nodded and closed her book, putting it on the sofa.

"Can I ask you something before I do?" she asked him. He watched her face, trying to pick up any hints. He had told her so much already he was afraid. He nodded, trying to seem sure, but he knew it failed. "What are you doing after the war?"

"What?" he found himself saying.

"After the war. Would you go back home?" He tried to avoid her big brown eyes. He had been preparing for this war for so long, preparing for these exact moments and being reminded of his sole purpose as the Princess' Royal Knight. He had no plans for life after the war. He didn't think he'd get to have one. He was doing everything so that he'd get to go home, but he didn't know if home was still a real place anymore.

"I don't think it's up to me," he said. Julie frowned and stood up, Luke taking a step back. Julie stepped closer to him, entering his space. She hugged him, and he sunk into the warmth she delivered. He hugged her back, dropping his towel on the floor. It was a sad hug. Like a premeditated goodbye. He squeezed her knowing he'd never get enough of her.

"Please try to stay," Julie whispered. "Maybe not as my knight. But just around." If Luke had felt bad before, it was worse now. The feelings of being happy that came with the facts that the Princess wanted him and liked him and was asking him to stay were never going to be brighter than the dark cloud that shrouded him. It was torture to listen to her. It was torture for her to feel the same way about him.

"I'll try," he said. He had lied to her so many times before. What was one more?

-

Luke went to sleep with a stomachache, and although it took him a while to dose off, it happened with the eventual arrival of nightmares. He didn't realize he was screaming out to his parents until Julie's voice came into the mix and he stared at her, in the darkest corner of the woods where a swarm of crows were picking at her skin. She screamed for help but every time he thought he was running, he hadn't moved from his place. She had fallen over on the floor now, covered in the birds, screeching at the top of her lungs, asking why he wasn't helping her.

Why aren't you helping me? Please Luke why aren't you helping me? Please, Luke? Luke! Luke!

He looked down at his feet and saw his parents holding down his legs, begging him to stay. His mom's face was green and full of cracks like a beat up statue. Blood seeped through her skin like a waterfall. His dad dissolved into dust with every tear that hit his skin. Luke started to cry. He had enough, and he didn't want to anymore. Not anymore.

Julie's face was in front of him when his eyes managed to shoot wide open. His face was wet from sweat and tears, and when he saw her watching him closely, it took everything in him to not break down and sob again. But it was futile. She had a tissue box with her, and without saying a word, she started to wipe his face clean. It melted him completely, and he started to cry.

"Hey," she whispered, putting the box to the side to hold him. "It's okay," she said to him in a honey voice as he cried into her shoulder. She ran her fingers through his hair, humming a song to him, and he was static. Nothing in his brain made sense, nothing seemed real. Nothing that was happening to him or to her should be happening at all. "You're okay," she told him. He wanted to believe her. He wanted to believe that she wasn't a liar like he was. But he made her a liar. He wasn't okay.

Luke didn't know how much time passed before they were laying next to each other, bodies a foot away from each other on the full-sized bed, staring at each other. Julie's eyes could barely stay open, and he reached over to shut them closed with his hand. "Thank you," he whispered to her. She gave the tiniest of nods before she stayed asleep, Luke watching her. He wouldn't fall asleep. He felt too sick. Too wrong.

He didn't know how much time passed as he moved from in and out of mind numbing states. He found himself standing up at four in the morning and tucking Julie in. He grabbed his phone and walked outside of his room. He didn't realize he had a text from Bobby, and he didn't want to open it. But he did.

Bobby: Looks like we'll be needing you after all. The King sends his regards.

Luke's hands shook as he reread the message over and over again. He deleted it and forced himself to gently put his phone down on the counter instead of throwing it across the living room. He felt his dinner from the night before rush up, and he ran to the bathroom as the familiar feeling of vomit came back up to greet him.

He felt defeated now. More than ever. Hanging over the toiler bowl was his lowest point so far, and he could not imagine it getting better. He stood up and flushed the toilet, washing his hands and face. He looked himself in the mirror and frowned. He tried to take a few deep breaths and realized that he couldn't breathe. He marched out of the bathroom and out the front door and before he knew it, he was running to the nearby woods.

He didn't even remember if he closed to door or not when he was well past the clearance, his feet taking him on their own into the darkness between the trees. He ran faster and faster to feel his lungs shake, to feel anything. He tripped over a branch he didn't see in the dark. He landed on his elbows and chest, and the dirt scratched his arms up and down. He was furious when he tasted the salty ground between his teeth. He got on his knees and let out a scream of frustration, squeezing his eyes and trying not to cry. The scream made him feel better he realized. He let out another agonizing scream that lasted seconds, and he was out of breath when he was done. It was so dark and quiet now, even the crickets took a moment to wonder what he was.

"Luke," Julie's voice whispered as she shone her phone flashlight on him. Luke turned to look at her, embarrassed. "What happened?" Luke didn't want to answer. He didn't want to lie anymore. He shook his head as she walked closer. She shined the light around, and they both noticed a sign at the same time. They must've be well on their way to wherever Constansa and her daughter lived.

Julie, who was still in her pajamas, squatted down next to Luke and brushed dirt off of his face. "You didn't sleep, did you?" she asked him. She always knew. He shook his head, too tired to talk. His throat felt like it had ants crawling through it. "It's fine. Come on. Let's go," she said, offering him her hand. He knew she had so many questions. She always did. But she knew his limits. She wouldn't try to break him into answering things and for that, he was thankful that he could feel her hand in his.

When he was standing, instead of heading towards the cabin, Julie went towards the wooden sign. She flashed the light on it, and they read three town names. Luke could have thrown up right then and there.

Orcheta .8 Miles East

Bavevudious 3 Miles North

Silvone 5 Miles West 

A/N: So I am dumb. The first part of this first chapter was supposed to be in the last chapter, where she's asking Luke to stay, and I completely glossed over it in my plans lmao. But I feel like everything happens for a reason because I enjoyed the Luke angst that came with having it in his point of view. Also, lots of angst again. Sorry! It's my fave hehe. Next chapter will be a tiny bit lighter. Thanks for reading :)