unexpected feelings | marichat

chapter thirty-six

adrien's pov
   i tried to digest everything as ladybug explained who chat blanc was to me. it looked like it was paining her to relive it, but i couldn't bring myself to comfort her. why hadn't she told me about this?
"so i was... akumatized? and it got so bad that bunnyx had to come FROM THE FUTURE to get you so that you could fix it?" i asked, still in shock from the revelation. ladybug looked down, as if debating whether or not she should tell me.
"i want to know, ladybug! i hate secrets, especially of this type," i demanded, a bit more brusquely than i intended. she sighed.
"chat... all of paris was under water. it was, it was pretty bad. you were the only person left that was, well, alive."
i dug my head into my hands, not sure what to even make of this. i'd murdered the whole city of paris. including marinette and ladybug.
"do you even know why i was akumatized?" i asked her,  lifting my head up. she frowned and bit her lip in worry.
   "i don't know the exact reason but... you somehow found out my identity. and you were saying that we were in love, and i'm guessing hawkmoth found out who we were and then everything went downhill," she said, her voice cracking. my eyes widened. i had known her identity. we had fallen... in love. and all that led to literally cataclysmic results.
   "how did you fix everything?"
   "my lucky charm, it was an eraser. i didn't use it until after i had purified the akuma, when i realized i had to.." she trailed off and looked down.
   "ladybug??"
    she kept averting her gaze as she answered me. "i can't tell you the rest. it gives away too much of my identity."
   i chuckled hollowly. "of course you can't. of course you have to keep this a secret too. because even i don't have the right to know about my OWN akumatization, huh?"
   "you know it's not like that chat noir! i'm doing this to protect you! don't you see what happened the last time you knew?" she pleaded. i rolled my eyes. 'i'm doing this to protect you'. yeah, where else had i heard that one before?
   "don't you see that by keeping so many things to yourself, you aren't protecting me? you know, i don't care about not knowing your identity. even if now that you're guardian you could change that rule, i see why that should be kept secret, and i'm FINE with waiting until you're ready. but keeping all THIS from me? that's low," i spat. she flinched then looked down guiltily, and part of me felt disgustingly glad that my words had scathed her. i wanted to rip out that part of me and throw it off the tower we stood on.
   "i'm sorry, okay? you did deserve to know, and i feel awful that i didn't tell you. i just thought, maybe if i didn't say anything about it, the memory would turn into nothing. i didn't think you needed to know. and, i don't know, i guess i just thought it was best not to tell you, since sometimes you tend to act on impulse," she said softly. i scoffed.
   "so what, you kept it from me to protect yourself? because you were scared of what i would do?"
   "no!! that's not what i meant at all chat, you're just twisting my words!!"
   "well, up until now there were no words to twist!! don't you see how huge this is? what did you think i would do? become akumatized again and destroy the city? give up my miraculous? why shouldn't i do that, ladybug? huh?" i yelled, kicking the tower's beam angrily. "everything would be much safer if i did," i said more quietly, looking down at my ring. this ring which held the power of destroying anything in the world. that granted me all the freedom i wanted, but also made me the most dangerous person in paris. why shouldn't i give it up?
   "chat, you know that isn't true," ladybug said, approaching me. i took out my staff and walked further towards the edge of the tower.
   "do i really, though? anyway, i've gotta go. see you later," i said, extending my staff and leaping off. i heard her calling back to me, but i didn't care. i needed to be away from her, before i said or did something worse. i'd check on marinette- marinette! she was probably still in the library where i had originally left her.
   i cursed myself mentally for forgetting and headed towards it. it was completely empty. i checked all around the perimeter of it, but there was no sign of marinette anywhere. had she already gotten home? maybe the miraculous ladybugs landed her back in her room?
   seeing her standing on her balcony made me let out a breath i hadn't even realized i was holding.
   "oh, marinette, i'm so glad you're safe!" i said in relief, heading towards her. she looked up and smiled softly, though something seemed off about it. upon closer inspection, her eyes were red and puffy, and her cheeks held splotches of pink. had she been crying?
   "are you okay?" i asked, and she laughed. it was the most forced laugh i'd ever heard from her.
   "yeah, no i'm perfect! i'm better than perfect! it's just been an.... interesting night," she said, sniffling and rubbing her eyes.
   "hah, yeah, tell me about it," i muttered, prompting her to look at me with a frown.
   "you wanna.... um... talk about it?" she offered, though something in her expression made me feel like she didn't want to talk about anything right now at all. still, i needed to get everything off my chest.
   "i just found out i've been akumatized. oh, and that akuma me mega-cataclysmed all of paris and its citizens! fun, huh?" i said sarcastically. marinette sat on her chaise and hugged her knees to her chest.
   "that's a lot to take in," she said shakily.
   "i can't believe i did all... that," i said, shuddering. "and i also can't believe ladybug never told me about it. it's like she no longer trusts me! i don't even know how many other things she's hiding from me."
   marinette looked up from the ground she was focusing on. her eyes were still sparkling with tears, and i briefly wondered if it was a good idea to burden her with all of this. "maybe she had a really good reason not to tell you. don't you think maybe she was trying to... protect you?"
   i scoffed, like i had when ladybug had explained things to me. "keeping this from me didn't protect me, marinette. whether you or ladybug believe it or not, i'm strong enough to deal with this stuff! if i can't be trusted with anything else, at the very least i should be trusted with information about myself. don't you think its even the slightest bit unfair that i had no idea of my own akumatization?"
   marinette looked down, nodding softly. i sighed and continued my tirade, if only a bit less loud.
   "what i'm saying is... this is just, a lot. i mean, i just found out i was responsible for destroying a whole city, and nearly the whole world with it! if that isn't horrible enough, my own partner has kept it from me for who knows how long. i know it probably seems like a really stupid reason to blow but, at home... i don't get told much. everything is always so, secretive, even everything regarding me! the only things i know are the things i'm forced to do, and even then things are kept in the dark. i'm told i'm being protected by being locked away, or by not being told things, but i just feel like a prisoner in my own home. i'm so tired of that, marinette. i just wish that, for once, someone would trust me enough to not keep me in the dark about something this big. is that so much to ask for?" i asked, my voice trembling slightly as tears threatened to fall from my eyes. marinette's lip wobbled as she stood to meet my gaze.
   "i'm so sorry, chat," she said, pulling me into a tight embrace. i melted into her, letting the tears fall. she didn't deserve to have all this thrown at her. these were my problems. yet here i was, crying into her arms about chat blanc and the secrecy of my household and crime-fighting partner. and here marinette was, providing comfort even when it seemed like she herself needed it. always putting other's needs before her own.
   she pulled away slightly and rubbed her face, which was wet with tears. i frowned at the sight just as she brought her thumb to my masked face and rubbed the tears off gently. the comforting touch reminded me of the way my mother used to wipe my tears as a child, and i leaned into it. marinette felt like home.
   "i know it probably doesn't mean much coming from me but... ladybug does trust you. a lot, chat. i can promise you that much," she said softly. i attempted a weak smile.
   "thank you, marinette. for listening to me tonight. it helps more than you may think," i told her, wiping the tears from her face with my thumb as she'd done to me. her skin felt warm and soft, even through my gloves.
   "well, what are friends for?"

(a/n: hi hii hello its been slightly longer since i last updated im so sorry, ive been busy butttt i believe now that im free from school ill be posting regularly again so heres a chapter that includes adrien opening up to someone (finally) <3)