To All the Boys I've Loved Before

To The Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up

Mr. Smooth Talker, moon walker, ladies’ man,
wordsmith, leader of the pack, heart breaker,
We were good friends for as long as I can remember.
I guess I already knew from the beginning
we were never really right for each other.
You knew it too.
I wish I just had the courage to act on it sooner.
Somehow I just went with the flow and see how far life would take me.
It took me 10 years.
10 years of my life spent revolving around you.
You were one big red flag
but what a coincidence –
red was my favorite color.
I guess it felt good to be needed
even in playing your games
when you needed an audience
or a very twisted wingman –
when you needed someone to keep score
or needed just an ego boost on speed dial.
I was there, gladly.
I guess I knew it somehow
because I wasn’t really a girl you would pause the game for,
I was someone who enjoyed watching you play.
You would play your silly games of heartbreak and though it hurt me,
I was still just sitting idly by, enjoying the show.
But you never knew how badly damaged I was
my smiles would never tell you that.
I was so damaged that I had to find the pieces of me I lost
trying to be someone who was good for you.
Trying to be one of those girls you won as trophies.
Trying to be good enough to be called your home
but I was just a vacation house you went in your spare time.
It was a heartbreak I already saw coming
but I still became stubborn and held it tight like a kite being tossed by the wind,
wounding my hands but still eager to see it fly though I could see how torn it all became.
Everyone thought I was being stupid.
And all I could say was “I know.”
I waited for you
in all those long summers I did,
waited for you to somehow come to your senses
but we were growing
together but more apart,
and then we chose other people along the way,
as life became really difficult.
And time went out to prove that being someone’s confidante
doesn’t equate to being someone’s soulmate
and that you should end up together.
You were one of the hardest lessons I ever had to learn
and I’m not a very good student
whether in school nor in life.
Still, thank you –
for being someone who supported and believed in me.
You were always someone who was there at my lowest
because you were, after all, my good friend.
But after all those crazy adventures,
I knew it was never going to be Tink.
In the end
it was always going to be Wendy.
I guess I can say now
that I may not have been
the main character in your story
but, I am now
in someone else’s.
But there will always be a part of me
that will be friends with you.
Always.