Cowgirls Don't Cry

CHAPTER FIFTEEN - KATIE

The notes were an everyday occurrence now, and most days I didn't even bother to read them. A small mountain of crumpled paper was piled up at the back of my locker now, but I was careful not to let anyone see what was going on.

The next few weeks blurred into one long, interminable fortnight filled with the same painful repetition. I woke up every morning at five, completed my yard chores, worked Marlow or ran him through the barrel pattern a couple times before getting dressed for school. Breakfast, then a passable bus ride filled with vague conversation with Jesse and Luke. I had little to say, with my mind taken up almost entirely by anxiety for what I would find in my locker when we finally arrived at school. If Jesse and Luke had noticed my silence, they no longer mentioned it, and I was left to sit in silence, letting the chatter wash over me.

The notes appeared in my locker without fail every morning, accompanied by giggles, stares, pointed smiles and a multitude of snide comments. No one likes you, Katie. Give up and go back to the farm, redneck. You don't belong here. The pieces of paper grew in spite and confidence every day, feeding off my misery and choking my lungs until the back of my locker was filled with scrunched-up, torn pieces of notebook paper, each page scrawled with the handwriting of Marina or one of her friends.

I felt trapped inside my own mind, feeling the weight of those words on my chest, pushing me down and leaving my lungs gasping for air. It was easier to keep silent at school, to put my head down and stay as distant as possible from anything that they might use against me. Surprisingly, the facade of laughter and everyday conversations came easily, when my words and jokes seemed to be independent of my mind, an absent-minded habit that got me through the day.

Night, however, was a whole other story. With nothing, no one to distract me from the worries and words and humiliation, I lay awake for hours on end every night, yearning and praying for morning to come and lend me respite from the darkness.

Even by Thursday, I was mentally and physically exhausted, from hard work and sleep deprivation, and as I wearily unfolded the fourth note that week (Don't forget the trash gets picked up tomorrow - be ready :) ) I sighed, and added the scrap of notebook paper to the growing pile. The punch they'd delivered a week ago was now no less a part of my daily routine than feeding Marlow, and I could barely feel it anymore.

I pulled out my books for first period and wandered through the halls to homeroom, the noise and bustle fading around me as I retreated deeper and deeper into my own mind, a tactic that I'd noticed had helped to deflect the glares, comments, laughter and general behaviour of the kids from the popular table.

Slipping through the door to my usual classroom, I noticed Ash sitting quietly in one of the near-empty halls off the main locker hall, leaning back against the wall and staring blankly straight ahead.

I didn't feel like talking, but I pushed through the filmy sound-barrier of my bubble and risked a question in Ash's general direction.

"You good, Ash?" I asked tentatively, my voice all too loud in the silent hall.

Ash flinched, and shifted his gaze over to me.

"Oh, hi Katie, what're you doing here so early?" he asked, offering up a smile that didn't quite reach his desolate eyes.

"Just didn't feel like braving the noise out there," I replied, meeting his eyes. "You're quiet today, is something wrong?"

Ash smiled darkly. "Nope, I'm good. Nothing out of the ordinary here,"

I nodded reluctantly, but dropped it, leaving Ash to his uncharacteristically blank stare. I stepped through the door and took a seat, resting my head on the desk and closing my eyes, building up the bubble again and mentally preparing myself for the day.