Cowgirls Don't Cry

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE - KATIE

Damn, I was mad at Jesse. But was I even madder at myself. I'd dragged him into this mess, getting him into all kinds of trouble, then when he'd tried to be nice, tried to help me out of this stupid situation, I'd turned around and blamed him, gotten mad at him, and walked away on him. What kind of an awful person was I, that I'd carelessly dismissed someone who was only trying to help me, who'd stood up for me when no one else knew or cared?

Beyond that, I was mad at Marina and Zamirah and Tristan, for starting this, and changing everything in less than a term at my new school. Rodeo, good grades, friends, family, Jesse, Marlow, everything I cared about had been impacted in these past few weeks.

It was something I should have been able to deal with myself, something I shouldn't have reacted to, cared about or even acknowledged. But I had, and now it had grown beyond my control. I was everything I'd told Jesse, so weak and pathetic I couldn't even stand up for myself.

Needless to say, I hadn't bothered taking Marlow down to the creek that afternoon, staying locked in my room under the pretence of homework, which wasn't strictly untrue. I did have a lot of assessment work coming in, and I was falling behind under the social stress of school. Even something as mundane as opening my locker had become a massive feat, draining every ounce of mental willpower and energy I had left.

I'd also taken to avoiding Jesse at all costs, keeping him at an arm's length after yesterday afternoon's argument. It wasn't like we hadn't argued before; but rather it was the growing issue of the notes, words, comments, stares, the little shoves and trips in the hall, all the pieces to Marina and Zamirah's campaign against me that hung between us. We both saw it, and only he, of all our friends and family, knew the extent to which it had stretched, the way I wasn't coping, and the desperate need for interference that I couldn't bring myself to ask for.

I sat towards the front of the bus on the ride to school, near Georgie and his friends, taking the noise and rowdiness of the nine-year-old boys over facing Jesse's concern and explanations and apologies. I didn't deserve any of it, even though he had no right to go looking through my locker, fighting all my battles for me, and making me feel like some pathetic loser who needs her best friend to sort her life out for her. All in all, I just needed some space, and it was better for both of us if he just left me alone.

I ignored his attempts to talk as we filed off the bus, brushing off his hand on my shoulder and pushing past him into the crowded locker hall. Jesse called out behind me, but I refused to turn around, intent on losing him in the crowd.

"Katie!" I heard Aimee call out from her locker as I passed, and I hesitated, glad for the distraction.

"Hey, Aimee, how's it going?"

"Good, just prepping for states, as I'm sure you are, too," she smiled. "I'm so glad you got cleared to ride, that accident must have felt like such a set-back,"

"Yeah, lucky I was only off for a week and a bit, though," I agreed. "Marlow enjoyed the break, but he's doing amazing in training; just building on his fitness and time,"

"He's such a great competition horse," Aimee said sincerely, and for once I didn't have to force the smile I gave her in return; my horse was almost everything to me. "But I wouldn't trade Romeo in for the world, he's such a sweetheart,"

We broke off, distracted by Luke's arrival, as he began to spin his combination lock in the slot beside Aimee.

"Morning, everyone, three days till states," he informed us, his ever-decreasing countdown now a standard part of his daily greeting.

"Not long now," Aimee cheered, and I felt a flutter of the old anticipation arise in my stomach. States. If I could just get to the Georgia State Rodeo in one week's time, then everything would be doable.