Getting To Know Me (Completed)

Seminar - Day Seven

"It is Monday. Mondays have come before, countless mondays and they were all spent with you. 

I walk alone,clutching my bag. I do not have a 'baby drink' that annoys you in this bag. I'm not even wearing a big polo you hate. I'm dressed in a black jean trouser and a fitted ash polo.

You see, I have changed alot but I know you are still the same. That's where I hurt, remembering how caring yet carefree you were. I remember your authoritative self and your scolding. I miss you. I will not deny that. 

I just think about us before and I think about the past days. I know that we can never be the same again. I will be trying so hard not to 'depend' on you and you will be trying so hard not to complain when I do. Won't our friendship be fake then?

 I decided I'm ready for this phase where you become someone I used to be close to, but I really thought we were family. Still, I'm ready to greet you when we pass coincidentally on the walkway. I'm ready to call you once in a while just to know how you are doing. Could this be us, would you be happy? I don't know if I would be happy but it's not about me. I have been the selfish one all along.

Can we forget and move on as if nothing happened, is it possible? Do you think this rift between us could be mended? Do you think maybe you could cross over to my side or I can cross over? In understanding, do you think there's a way we could adapt better? I do not know. I do not know really how to accept that you have been uncomfortable with me for a while and you just kept quiet. I do not know really if I would get over this but I'm trying. 

I guess this has taught me that I could depend on myself because I would not complain. We're fractured so we could take a long time to heal, but we might heal at last."

It was Monday actually but I wrote that letter for Nellie three days ago when my emotions strongly subdued me. I tore the letter and threw it into a waste bin. I was wearing a jean and a shirt not with sneakers but with a flat suede shoe. There was still time by the time I finished dressing up so I played music to pass time. I did not want to go too early.

 I was still among the first persons to arrive after wasting time. There were only three people there when I arrived. I got a seat at the third bench and settled in. I plugged in my ear piece and let Sia's 'Suitcase' play.

Tony's thought crossed my mind with annoyance. It was in those seminars that I was told, a relationship was sweeter at the beginning. I did not if it was just me that concluded that a relationship was the next thing that happened after a kiss. Whatever it was that Tony and I were doing, it could not be sweet. It was bitter.

Students began to flood the hall. They filled in the seats at the back leaving the two benches at the front of each row. So somehow, even without sitting at the first bench, I was still at the front row.

I placed my head on the desk, waiting till the speaker came. I thought of Nellie. We had not spoken since I left her birthday. She was able to hold her birthday without me even though I was the one that managed in the past. I could be easily waved off as dispensable.

I had a lot of things to tell her. Most times, I wanted to just text her or video call her especially since after the kiss. I wanted to share the story with someone. It was all too much to keep to myself. So many things had happened to me and I just kept them to myself. They were too much.

I felt a tap on my arm and I raised my head to see Tony. I unplugged my earpiece and stared at him.

What, don't you know your mother's kitchen?

"Is someone here? " he asked, pointing to the space beside me. 

"No," I replied, stiffly shifting in for him to sit.