Getting To Know Me (Completed)

Day Five Seminar

I woke up to my alarm ringing. Not knowing which part of the bed I was, I sleepily reached for the phone but I met the wall. I must have slept off but to wake up again by the same stupid alarm. This time, I determinedly looked for the phone and I found it, lodged in between the foam and the wall. 

It was Thursday, another seminar and the time was a few minutes past eight. 

I let Bryson Tiller's 'Run me dry' play on repeat through my phone as I dressed up for the seminar. I wore a brown sweater and a black jean. My hair was held to the back with a small black rubber then I wore a navy blue face cap. 

I wore just my slip-on and stepped out, plugging in my ear piece. 'Antisocial ' by Ed Sheeran began to play. It kept playing as I walked to the school, continuously blanking my mind. It was something I did - Refusing to think about things till I felt I was strong enough to feel it. 

I did not want to think about Nellie but somehow those words she said to me kept resounding in my head. I blanked my mind once more, humming the lyrics of the song that played. A walk was supposed to be liberating but it was not much help.

I got to the community school when it was already some minutes to ten. I went to my seminar class and entered still with my earpiece plugged in my ears. 

I walked to the front seat not even noticing or considering the eyes that followed each step I made. Michelle looked at me and signalled for me to remove the earpiece and I did. 

"Does it matter what people say? " She asked rhetorically looking round the class. 

"No matter what you do, how wrong or how right you are, people will still talk so it does not matter. You will only be a coward if you listen and let what people say affect your relationship."

Nellie was a coward. 

" It is just two people that make up a relationship. Just two, no brother, no sister, no best friend. You two have the duty of believing in yourselves to zero and back to hundred. You do not let a third party fill your head with negativity. Most people are unhappy that you are happy. They will do anything and everything to ruin that happiness. "

I thought about Nellie then. I wished I had a capri sonne to sip and feign nonchalance but I just sat staring at the speaker till I felt a pool of tears around my eyes. I blinked once and it treacherously rolled down. I quickly wiped it away and stared into my hands on my lap.

Was I too clingy? 

I met Nellie on my first day in the university. We were not supposed to be in the same hostel but fate and the universe worked hand in hand and brought me, a fine arts student into a hostel meant for law students. We became friends, not because I wanted to but because of her. 

I looked up not knowing what the speaker was saying but the look of pity she gave me from time to time made me want to tear up wildly. I never cried unless for onions but I felt the need to. I wanted to - badly. 

I was screaming inside of me. My violence, caged and curious but I was still sitting with my heart falling apart. I still wonder how you could have everything at one time and the next time you have nothing. I still wonder how someone who was a huge part of your world could make your world so little.

The session finally came to an end and I joined the crowd at the door in a hurry to get home. I heard shouts of my name and I went back to meet Michelle. I could have run off but I did not want to appear rude.

"Hey, Kassy," she said, easing a hip on a desk. 

"What's up?" I asked. 

"Are you doing okay?" She asked, ignoring my question. Concern was obvious in her tone and eyes. 

I laughed a small laugh before nodding my head. I hated pity. "I'm just a little sick." 

"If you would love a ride home, my husband is coming so we could drop you off."

"No, I'm good," I replied to her, turning to leave. 

"Nellie came to look for you before you came," She said. 

I simply nodded and walked away. Outside, students flooded the hallway and in the stream of people, I saw Nellie. There was a moment of both of us just staring at each other then I walked away. 

I walked faster than usual  then I slowed down my pace when I reached the path down my lodge. I took my time, kicking every stone in my way, transferring my pent-up anger and hurt to the unfortunate stones.

I dialed my mom's number once in the room. She picked, her voice was very calm as she enquired how I was doing. She instructed some people in the background then she went to a less noisy environment. 

"Nellie called me. She told me everything," she said. 

"Oh." I hugged a pillow as I kept my back against the wall. 

"You girls are sisters. You should talk, not letting out all the anger and turning off."

"I am not angry with her. I'm just processing some things," I said.

"Have you picked her calls or replied to her texts? "

"My phone has been in airplane mode till I called you."

"Kasiemobi, talk to Nellie. You have been friends for long. Don't let anything ruin it."

"Mum, she bottled up all my faults, she bottled all of them until she could pour them out on me non stop," I said, already tearing up. "She called me clingy, that I'm so dependent on her."

I heard a low laugh on her side of the phone. I quickly wiped my tears like she could see me. 

"Honey, I want you to check yourself, really check yourself and if you are not dependent on her then go to her and tell her she was wrong about you."

"I'm not dependent," I defended quickly. 

"Check yourself, baby. Tell Nellie what you realised not me," she said. I could easily imagine her rubbing a thumb on my cheek if she were with me. 

"Okay, mum," I replied. 

"Do you still have money? Do you want me to send something?"

I laughed. "I need money."

I needed to stock my cupboards with some new drinks. I used to take Caprisone because it annoyed Nellie and I loved it when she told me to put it off acting like a mother. I needed to change it.

After the call, I thought about myself. I could not admit I was mostly dependent on her but I knew I needed her. I loved her company. I only cooked because I knew she would come. Other times I took junks or ate in her place. Even though she was a law student, I still went to school with her. When I do not have a lecture, I stay outside her class till she's done. I knew I did not like people getting close to her because I was scared. I was scared of losing her. 

I was dependent on her.