Trash Book of Extra.

Part 66 - I have to get something off my chest.

I have noticed that I can easily be affected by the environment around me. When I read books, I am susceptible to becoming influenced by them and taking a part of it within me and they can alter my mood and outlook on life (temporarily). I begin to think about the writer's views or philosophy. I put myself in their shoes.

I am worried that my tastes are getting more peculiar and more morbid and absurd as time goes on. My fantasies are getting darker as I become more accepting of them. The urge for me to write comes to me at unexpected times. Exactly why am I writing this at 23:40 when everyone else but me are asleep? Even though I wake up at 7 am for work.

The thing that I have to get off my chest is that I decided to read one of de Sade's works.
*Long sigh* I really wish I hadn't.
A voice from inside of me urged me on to try to convince me that it couldn't be that bad right?
I read The 120 Days of Sodom. I am still reading it but I literally felt the bile rise up to my throat when reading about the 4 villains and the depraved fucked shit they would get up to. The overly detailed descriptions of their nether regions that was not needed. There are some things in there that I just- CAN'T FORGET!
So you should know that when I read, I have a habit of picturing stuff mentally like I am sure everyone else does that too. Don't do that for any of Marquis de Sade's writings please or you'll feel defiled (there's no other way to put this). There are some things in there that I don't think I'll forget. So much so that I feel like I saw it all before my very eyes!

Why Marquis why?!!!! 😫😫😫😫😭
But it's literally MY FAULT for reading it in the first place. I asked for it. I asked to get mentally fucked up by his book.

You know what's really ducked up? The fact that you are forced to come to the realisation that the 4 villains are just staying true to their own philosophy (that's technically a good thing) which is something along the lines of them making complete use of their free wills to do whatever it is that their hearts desire  without being tied down by morality or virtue even if what they desire are extremely illegal, sadistic, perverted or blasphemous in nature without so much as a single feeling of regret, remorse or the consideration of other people.

In my opinion, it is an extremely selfish philosophy. However, it is a philosophy that can bring about the greatest pleasure as it brings total freedom and you can do whatever you want basically.

I need help.
Even though the novel has a fucked plot, I can't help it. I still want to read it! Why? It's like I read some pages for the first time then got mentally scarred by it then the next day I read it and I somehow wanna read more what the fuck? Why does the morbid and the absurd attract me so? Why????

The influence on me is starting to become apparent. I was watching a show and one of the characters was so annoying that I literally thought to myself, 'I hope that all the 4 villains from The 120 Days of Sodom f*ck this annoying character to death.'
Of course I know it's not real. It's fictional. I know that but I tend to connect with fictional characters a lot more than real people. With real people, I don't care at all from the inside if something bad happens to them (except old people and children/babies). With fictional characters, I really do care and sympathise.

Yo, I should probably get a therapist or something instead of writing it all out like this online.