Trash Book of Extra.

Part 86 - Origin of my ideas/love & loyalty.

A single thought becomes many thoughts over time.

I use music to amplify my feelings so that I can write better.

Sometimes I need the music because it helps but sometimes it's a distraction and gets in the way of my thoughts.

I have no choice but to write the stories that I write. It is birthed from a long daydream that plays out like the scenes of a movie in fast-motion. The ideas come out of nowhere. Actually, that's not true. Those ideas appear in my mind after my mind is triggered by some kind of visual/auditory stimuli in my environment. I read a book, look at the drawings of a comic, listen to a song, stare at my surroundings, hear a news story or have dreams and this leaves an impression on me. My mind doesn't steal the works of other people but it takes those works, melts it down, re-building it and personalising it so that what is left is unrecognisable when compared to their original sources. After that, I am hit with many ideas in the form of abstract imagery and I pick the ones that are more interesting to me. I add these smaller new ideas onto my original idea, modifying the idea as I see fit. If I encounter more stimuli, the same thing described above happens. I have no control over this. I write only because the daydream becomes so vast and my mind becomes so busy that I have no choice but to express this and type it all out. My ideas are not linear, they don't make any sense if I write them out as they exist in my mind. I have to rearrange them and treat the bundle of ideas that make up one collective idea as if I am untangling earphones.

I start more books then I finish and I don't think that there's a book out there that I have ever finished writing. Many of my books are kept in my drafts hidden from everyone. I get stuck somewhere in the middle and so I either delete them or unpublish them. A lot of my books are chaotic and jumbled up and make little sense *Sinister Blue - cough cough*.

I am terrific at writing angst or horror but struggle with writing romance.

The closest thing to love that I am familiar with is admiration.

I have admired someone before and someone has admired me before.

Admiration is a wonderful thing and so is friendship.

But what does love feel like? I don't know.

I love things like writing, solving puzzles, making songs, composing classical pieces and solving calculus questions for fun.

I love a many new and exciting things but I get bored so easily.

This is why I enjoy starting things but rarely ever see things through to the end.

This is why I don't want love and romance in my life.

Because I know that I'll get bored with my future partner like I do after researching a topic of interest for too long and now that that topic has lost its novelty, I am already looking for a newer more exciting topic of interest. In that situation, if I get bored with my future partner, I'll just find another one to be in love with and then leave them when I get bored. I don't want to hurt people like that so it's better for someone like me to either find someone spontaneous and keep me interested or be single for the rest of my life. I know that my parents won't accept me being alone so I'll probably have no choice but to go with that first option. Either way is fine and doesn't bother me.

When you love someone, you have to favour them only and be loyal to them only.

I am not loyal to anyone and I have never felt a sense of loyalty to anyone or anything before in my life. I am only loyal to myself.

I am not a good person but I am not evil either.

I am just neutral because since I was born I refused to be on anyone's side except those who are right in that situation. If you are in the wrong, even if you are my friend or family I refuse to be on your side. I am only on the side of truth. Other than myself, the truth is the only thing that I am loyal to.