It has been years since I have had sex- since I have had consensual sex. I have tried but sex is not something I can do with someone I am not in love with. I am repulsed and dissociated and I don't know if this is the way I would have always been or if it is a result from my trauma. It doesn't matter either way, I will never find out.
I don't want your body over mine when you are someone I used to love. When you are a man I don't know anymore- it's been over a year since I was held in your arms.
It's almost like I've been unconsciously saving myself for something good. It honestly hasn't been a choice but now I think it is. I want my first time having consensual sex to be special. I want to be unclothed under a body I love and I know loves me. One who loves me more than my raw skin and I know would never trap me- never encage my mind again. I want them to be someone that knows what I've gone through. That while my body is not a virgin my mind still is. He needs to know that I need to be treated slow.
I want it to be something I won't regret. I don't want it to be like the first time I had sex.
YOU ARE READING
Blue Eyes and Other Sources of Drowning
PoetryFor the boy with blue eyes. For the love and friendship I grieved, and many other things. Started: 11/20/20 Finished: 8/8/22 My 8th poetry book.
