God, Do You Love Me?

In Seeking Providence

Travis:

"I have retrieved The Book of Forgotten Truths. Will you not see my worth now?" The words poured out of my mouth naturally. I held the book out to my father with bloody hands.

My father speaks, his voice hallowed and monotone. "The council recognizes the great resolve you've shown us today." He takes the book in his hands. "Let this book stand as testament of your place among our ranks from hence forth."

Their voices filled the room in monotone unison, filling the air with an eerie echo. "May our sight peirce the heavens and our reach be infinite and everlasting."

The cold voices stained my mind, repeating in my ears over and over again, even once it was over.

_____

The peroxide burned my hands enough for me to scream out in pain and pull away from my mother.

"Honey, I'm sorry." Her soft eyes we're full of concern.

I held the injurys away from her, even though I knew what was best for me.

In my excitement of retrieving the book, I had misstepped on my way back through the maze. Luckily, I caught myself with my hands. The pain was so unbearable that I nearly passed out before I had pulled my hands from the spikes.

I did end up fainting in the pathway immediately upon freeing myself. I guess it had given me time to heal a little. When I woke up, I could barely move. I crawled on my elbows through the labyrinth and could barely stand to give the book to my father.

Now my head is pounding and my body is sore and weak. I feel like I'm going to pass out any second now.

My mother cleans and bandages my wounds.

"Mother, did you know about his..." I almost said cult. "His Council?"

My mother sighed, finishing up the bandages. "Yes. I knew."

"Did you know I wanted to join it?"

She looked taken aback. "No, actually. I knew you were going to someday, but I didn't expect it to be so soon."

I couldn't carry the conversation any longer, too exhausted. "I'm tired, mom." I usually don't refer to my mother as "mom" because my father thinks it's disrespectful. Just as I can only call him "sir" or "father."

My mother strokes my hair, but her touch isn't comforting to me. I want to pull away but fear that she would become upset. "C'mon, lets go to bed, honey."  I really do love my mother, but I just can't handle the memories. All the times she's just walked away while I was being punished, only to return as if nothing happened.

Mother and I pray at the end of the bed, her leading out loud: "Dear Lord, thank you for my beautiful son, and thank you for keeping him strong even when things were tough. I pray that he heals fast and well, and that you forgive him, and me, for ever crossing You. Our hearts are still pure. Amen."

I mumbled out an Amen and faced my mother. "Mother." Her attention turned to me. "Do you think it's wrong for a boy to be in love with another boy?" I don't know why I asked. I guess I wanted to know how much she actually agreed with my father.

I watched as fear grew into her eyes. "Honey don't say that."

"Why not?" I demanded.

My mother lowered her voice, "If your father ever finds out, he'll kill you."

"Its just a question."

"I know for a fact it isn't, baby. You're gay."

I cringed at the word. I mean, I know Sal and I had kissed, that we're boyfriends, but something in me still hated the thought. "You knew??" I was genuinely surprised.

"Honey, don't worry, I still love you. No matter what. Just... Never let your father know, okay?"

"Mmhmm." I nodded slowly. "Do you think I'll go to hell?"

"Travis, you're the sweetest boy I know. If God sends you to hell, it'll be His mistake."

This was happening so fast. My mom knew I was...? And she still loves me?? I couldn't respond, I just wrapped my arms around her. She enveloped me in a big, comforting hug. I couldn't stop myself from sobbing into her soft shoulder.

"Shhh. It's okay sweetie..." She stroked my hair, gentle, motherly. "I would love to meet him."

"Really?"

"Absolutely. Your father is going to be gone tomorrow. How about then?"

"I'll ask if he can come."

Mother smiled and ruffled my hair. "Okay, now get some sleep, honey. You need rest to heal."

I climbed into bed and she kissed my forehead and turned out the lights, suspending me into darkness, save for the dim lamppost outside. "Goodnight, mother."

"Goodnight sweetie."

Thoughts idly ran through my head as I dozed off. Mom knows I'm gay. I need to ask Sal to come over. Would Sal be happy to see me? .... We have to present our project to the class, don't we?.... Larry hates me.... Sal doesn't hate me, right? We kissed. He's my boyfriend after all. He must be worried sick. I can't wait to see him tomorrow. I want to kiss him. I don't even care if other people see... I'm in love with him...

I drifted off, thoughts of Sally Face buzzing in my head.