Expensive Mistakes

Say I Never Mattered

"Then if you can't trust me, maybe we should break up."

Tension hung thick in the air, the silence a heavy weight.

Or maybe Tobi had said something. Emilio couldn't hear anything over his own thoughts which screamed at him.

Why the hell would you say that? Why the hell would you say that? Why do you have to go and fuck up everything by opening that big, stupid mouth of yours?

Tobi stared at him with an unreadable expression. Emilio was positive Tobi was going to hit him, but he didn't step back.

I deserve it.

The words echoed painfully in their minds, Nothing had been said. Neither dared break the crushing silence.

Emilio wished he could gather the sentence from the air and make it as if it neer existed. Or he could travel back in time and stop him from ever meeting the rest of the Schneiens— better yet, stop himself from ever mentioning the scar. That was how all of this had started. But in all honesty, what was he meant to do? Just ignore the fact that Tobi was suffering? He would rather this— the result of caring too much— than Tobi thinking he didn't care at all.

Tobi wasn't sure how much time had passed without him saying anything. It could have been seconds, minutes, but it felt like hours. How long was Emilio going to let him search for something to say?

He wanted to beg Emilio not to go, not to leave him. He was scared of being alone again. He wanted Emilio to stay. Tobi had never begged for anything. But he would now.

No. Emilio wants to leave. I can't force him to stay.

Still, what was there to say? There was no fixing this. He didn't want Emilio to stay out of pity. What could he possibly say that didn't reveal what he felt?

"Right," he mumbled.

The words were like a stab to the heart.

Emilio wanted to cry. He was going to cry.

He didn't.

"Right," he agreed, forcing his voice not to crack.

So this was it. They were done.

They maintained eye contact for another moment before Emilio broke it.

"I should, um, probably leave, then."

"Probably."

There was another minute of silence before Emilio realized he didn't have his car. Tobi had driven.

"Shit," he muttered quietly.

"Is there a problem?"
"You were— you were my ride," Emilio said awkwardly. He was met with another minute of silence. "It's okay, I'll just call an Uber—"

"No. It's fine," Tobi interrupted. "I don't want to be here anymore, anyways."

"I'm sorry."

Tobi went to say, "It's not your fault," before realizing that wasn't quite true. He settled for nodding instead. He walked past Emilio into the forest in the direction of the church, not looking back to see if Emilio was following.

He couldn't help but wonder if just telling Emilio what was going on would have been that bad. There was the off chance that maybe Emilio would have accepted him— demons and all— and stayed.

It's useless to wish and start these 'what if's, Tobi told himself. Nothing is going to change.

The walk back to the church was long, but it gave them both a chance to think.

Emilio suppressed the urge to cry. He couldn't cry in front of Tobi. Not when he was the one who had suggested they break up in the first place. God, why had he said that? Breaking up with Tobi was the last thing he wanted to do. What was wrong with him?

But Tobi wanted this. And maybe he needed this. Emilio clearly wasn't helping with his trust issues.

He realized now that doing the research on Tobi's family was a huge invasion of privacy and a major misstep on his part, but it was too little too late. He thought he was smart. He was meant to be smart. Why had he allowed himself to be that stupid?

Tobi felt numb. If he thought about things he'd only spiral and he couldn't afford that. So he shut his mind off. Forced himself not to think. It was better than breaking down in front of Emilio.

They finally reached the church and Tobi realized he dreaded going inside and facing the situation. But he had to.

"You should go wait in the car," he said, not turning to face Emilio. "Did you leave anything inside?"

"No."

"Okay, good."

Tobi waited until Emilio was in the car before entering the church. All eyes were on him, but he ignored everyone and headed straight for his father.

"Emilio is not my boyfriend," he said without looking his father in the eyes. He didn't provide any further elaboration. He simply turned and headed for the table where his car keys sat.

Mattias grabbed his arm. "Are you okay?"

"No," Tobi replied, pulling from Mattias's grip. He grabbed his keys and left the church without another word.

If Emilio had thought the drive to the church was long before, it was nothing compared to the drive home.

The air was tense. Neither said a word. Tobi looked so withdrawn into his own mind that Emilio doubted he would even notice if Emilio tried to speak to him.

He glanced over at Tobi. His heart hurt. He longed to fix things, but the look on Tobi's face said that he didn't want to hear anything Emilio had to say. So he remained quiet and looked back out the window.

When the car finally pulled up to his house, he quickly got out, eager to escape the tension and Tobi's cold glacial gaze. He was about to close the door and retreat into his house when he looked up and met Tobi's eyes. He gave a sad smile and said, "Goodbye Tobias."

Tobi didn't say anything but his lips quirked up into a small half smile. He wanted to thank Emilio for being with him even though it hadn't worked out, for caring about him, but he didn't want to risk his voice cracking and giving away how much he was hurting, so he stayed quiet and started up his car. He didn't watch Emilio walk away— he couldn't bring himself to.

He drove home in silence, ignoring several calls from Mattias.

Once reaching his apartment, Tobi didn't bother changing his clothes before climbing into bed and finally allowing himself to cry. 

A/N Happy Wednesday! Turns out I did make my update after all. Happy pride to all my fellow members of the LGBTQ+ community! You are all valid! Chapter title from "Young Volcanoes" by Fall Out Boy. I really love this song. I know things between Tobi and Emilio are rough right now, but I promise they'll get better. You guys will just have to tune in next Wednesday. And the Wednesday after that, and, well, you get the point.