Expensive Mistakes

Careful Makin' Wishes in the Dark #7

(TW: abuse)

Tobi's journal:

I replay memories, dwell on them in hopes that the next time I visit them, they no longer have an effect over me. 

This method has proven to be ineffective. 

It still hurts, my body still aches with the phantom pain of the memories, fear still stabs at my heart.

So why do I continue to do it? I can't possibly be so naive as to hope that it will work this time. 

It's like I exist to cause myself suffering. I hide behind it and use it as an excuse to push people away and close myself off.

I'm surprised that one of these memories hadn't been used before. They seemed good material. It was odd that Edburt had not exploited them yet.

I found myself outside a room that sparked an acute sense of terror within me. I wanted to run in the opposite direction and never return to that room again. It was worse than Edburt's room, worse than the room with the crosses. 

The cross room was merely the aftermath.

I wondered which memory I was being forced to live out again as I stood frozen outside my father's office. Was I smaller or were the doors bigger? They loomed over me in a way they hadn't since I was a child.

That didn't do much to narrow down which memory I was about to relive.

I wondered if there was a way to escape this. Would Edburt just revive me if I snapped my neck now? I had never tried it.

I was about to test my luck, when Edburt's voice called from the room, "Now, now. Don't want to keep us waiting, Tobias. There's a surprise for you."

I didn't like the sound of that, but I found myself walking into the room anyways. I had learned that the more obedient I was when this room was involved, the more likely I was to exit with fewer injuries. 

Hesitantly, I entered Father's office, attempting to prepare myself for what I was about to face. 

My father was not in the office. Someone else was, however, and I was a little more shocked to see him than I should have been.

Emilio stood in the corner, looking despondent. He didn't react to anything at all. 

Horror turned my blood cold as I realized that it was not me who would be reliving this memory, but Emilio. 

A voice inside of me reasoned that it wasn't really Emilio. This was a dream. The real Emilio was safe at home and hadn't gone through this. He was never going to know this even happened. 

But it looked like Emilio, and that was enough for my heart to ache at the sight of him looking broken and empty as I had every time I entered that room. 

I stood in the doorway, unable to move as Edburt approached Dream Emilio. "Just make me relive it," I said, trying not to let my voice break. 

"He means something to you, doesn't he?" Edburt asked. 

"You know he does," I snapped. "He wouldn't be here if he didn't." I tried to shove down the guilt that bubbled up with the knowledge that because I cared about him, he was in this situation.

It's not real.

"Just stop this." I didn't know why I was trying to reason with Mr. Edburt, but I felt like I had to do something. "Torture me."

Edburt laughed. "Oh, but I am!"

I glared at him from across the room. Whether it was fear or magic keeping me from moving, I couldn't tell. Either way, I felt pathetic. I wanted desperately to intervene in some way, but I couldn't.