Expensive Mistakes

You Are What You Love, Not Who Loves You

Emilio decided it was best to distract himself than to sit around letting what if's consume him. What if was a dangerous game to play. There was no point in worsening his anxiety further.

He began picking up more shifts at the hospital, hoping to keep himself busy. If his mind was occupied, it was less likely to stray to Tobi. 

When at home, he took to cleaning. Things often got moved and rearranged in Emilio's frenzy to distract himself, and he found quite frequently that objects had been misplaced. 

"Where the hell is that scarf?" he muttered to himself, digging through various storage bins around the house. He'd seen it just the other day. Wasn't cleaning supposed to make things easier to find?

He opened another storage bin and continued his search. 

"Aha!" Emilio exclaimed, spying the familiar purple fabric of his favorite scarf. 

He snatched it up and was about to turn away, when his notebook caught his eye. He hadn't opened it in weeks. Tentatively, he pulled it out of the box, his mind warning him that he was about to confront the feelings he'd been running away from since the breakup. 

Instantly, he was reminded of the promise he'd made to Vanessa. He'd said he would contact Tobi in a few weeks. He still hadn't done it and almost a month had passed. He didn't know whether Tobi hated him or not, and he was afraid of the answer. As the saying goes, ignorance is bliss. 

But not knowing was also a special kind of hell.

I really should contact him, Emilio thought opening the notebook.

He read over the first page, smiling at how blunt he'd been in having Tobi read it. Well, it had gotten the job done. 

Emilio thought that after a while of being broken up, his fondness for Tobi would subside. It hadn't, however, which complicated his efforts of moving on. He found the familiar feelings of sadness and longing resurfacing. 

Emilio shook his head to clear his thoughts and distract from the ache in his heart, then continued to flip through the notebook. 

He read his recounts of each date and ignored the adoration he still felt for Tobi. 

He turned the page and came across the first notes from his research. Anger and self-loathing bubbled up inside Emilio.

How could I have been so stupid? I couldn't have possibly thought he wouldn't find it. Did I really not consider the consequences?

He gripped the page so hard it began to tear. He paused for a moment, then angrily ripped the page from the book entirely. The next page of research glared at him and he ripped that out as well. 

He began tearing out the pages of the notebook, hating himself for making mistakes that had cost him the relationship that made him so happy. All of the expensive mistakes. 

He stopped, breathing heavily, sitting surrounded by sheets of notebook paper. He'd ripped out all of the pages with writing. 

Emilio took of his glasses, wiping at his eyes. He hadn't realized he'd been crying. He massaged at the bridge of his nose, frustrated with himself. It had been a bit of a childish overreaction, but he supposed it was better than bottling his feelings.

He begun gathering the scattered pages and tucked them back into the notebook. He grabbed his phone to check for texts. There was one from a contact that surprised Emilio. They hadn't spoken in a few years.

The text read, :me and rudy r back in town. wanna meet up?:

Tobi rarely drank. After the incident when he was fifteen, he decided it wasn't a great idea. However, there were exceptions.

Mattias handed him a beer and he raised an eyebrow at it.

"Come on, don't let me drink alone," Mattias said, smiling lightly.

Tobi rolled his eyes and grabbed the beer, taking a swig. The alcohol burned his throat slightly and the taste wasn't entirely pleasant, but the intoxication that would come was welcomed. His mind moved too fast in his opinion, anyways.

A few beers in and Tobi felt pleasantly inebriated and his guard lowered. He hoped Mattias was prepared for one of the drunken rants he usually went on. 

"Have you and Emilio spoken at all?"

Tobi shook his head. "Things are all screwed up between us."

"I guess that makes sense. You weren't friends before you dated. There's nothing to fall back into."

Tobi sighed. "And there is likely not a way to reconnect without telling him everything." 

It was quiet for a minute before Mattias said, "What is Father's problem with you? Why do you have it worse than the rest of us?"

Tobi tipped his drink back and downed the rest of the liquid. "I wish I knew," he mumbled bitterly. "None of this would have happened if our family was just normal! There wouldn't be secrets, there wouldn't be a scar, there wouldn't be a weird cross room that gets your boyfriend worried that you and your family are sociopaths or something!"

"He didn't say that," Mattias argued.

"So if you found a room like that in someone else's house you wouldn't find it creepy?"

Mattias didn't respond, unable to find an argument. 

"But Emilio just had to go and date the scapegoat of the family. Anyone else and he probably wouldn't have gotten mixed up in this shit. Really, that's what I am— a scapegoat. Constantly blamed and punished for everyone's inconveniences," Tobi ranted. "And what's so bad about being gay? Why should I be punished for that? I don't have any control. Father's just— just a..." He paused, searching for the right word. "A prick," he spat out finally. 

He turned to gauge Mattias's reaction to this, only to find his brother asleep. Whether it was the alcohol or his narcolepsy that ended up knocking him out, Tobi didn't know.

He flushed, slightly embarrassed that he had been ranting to no one for who knows how long.

Tobi began cleaning up the empty bottles and set out two glasses of water next to aspirin for the morning. He knew he was in no state to drive home. 

He grabbed his phone to check the time and noticed a text from a few hours earlier. 

:Hi Tobi, it's Rudy. I'm in town if u want to meet up for lunch."

I'll deal with that in the morning, Tobi thought before falling asleep on Mattias's couch. 

A/N Happy Wednesday! This is the last Wednesday of pride month, so sorry to have them broken up all of pride. My update may be shorter next week because we're out of state on vacation so it's hard to find time to write. Chapter title this week is from "Save Rock And Roll" by Fall Out Boy. That quote actually means a lot to me and I have a reminder that goes off on my phone everyday because it helps my mental health and self-esteem from getting bad. Feel free to vote and comment! See you all next week!