Expensive Mistakes

Put These Words Down Into Your Notebook

(TW: Mentions of abuse)

Emilio sat down on the couch and took Tobi's hands in his. "You don't have to tell me if you're not ready."

Tobi sighed. "I'm ready." Emilio squeezed his hands gently in encouragement. "When I was younger, I had a disturbingly vivid dream in which I stabbed and killed Mattias because a voice in my head told me to. For some reason, I told my father about it. Maybe I was worried it was the devil trying to get me to kill my brother— who was quite obviously Father's favorite due to his more fragile nature. My father was not pleased with the information."

"But it was only a dream! Everyone has strange dreams," Emilio interrupted.

"Yes, but not everyone lives in a church in the woods with their family of twenty-six and decide to tell tell their extremely pious father."

Emilio frowned, squeezing Tobi's hands again. "Okay, continue. What did your father do?"

Tobi ran his hand through his hair, grimacing at the memory. "Well, you saw the room. I'm sure you didn't believe that it was cross storage." Emilio gave Tobi a pitying look. "The dreams didn't stop there. They got more and more frequent until they were every night."

"The same dream?" Emilio asked. 

"No. Still vivid and dark, though. And then a few years later there was—" Tobi paused, struggling for words to describe the entity that so frequently tormented him in his dreams.

"Was what?" Emilio prompted. 

"Mr. Edburt."

Emilio raised an eyebrow, looking confused. "Who is Mr Edburt?"

"I don't really know," Tobi admitted. "He's no one I know in real life. He isn't even human. I suppose he's a manifestation of my subconscious. He began appearing in my dreams when my father started abusing me more frequently."

"Did he help?"

"He made things so much worse," Tobi sighed. "I've been having dreams like that ever since. When I stay at the church and forget to lock my door, I end up sleep walking and waking up in the woods. Father hates me. He believes the devil is inside me."

"He's wrong," Emilio assured. "You've been through hell. It's no wonder you're guarded and have nightmares." He put an arm around Tobi's waist and pulled him closer. 

Tobi leaned into Emilio's side, glad for the support. "But that isn't the end of it." Emilio placed a gentle kiss on Tobi's forehead, encouraging him to continue once he was ready. "When you asked me why I was so afraid of coming out, you were right."

Emilio's eyes flashed with concern as he heard the slight break in Tobi's voice. "Tobi, you don't need to—"

"No. I want to tell you," Tobi insisted. "I was around fifteen when I really started questioning my sexuality. Rudolph was very open about his. My father found out— I don't know how. One of my siblings told him, I suppose." He paused to wipe tears from his eyes. He had never spoken about this. It was overwhelming. "He- he told me I had been disobedient, and that Satan had a hold of me and I was going to Hell, and—" Tobi drew in a shaky breath, trying to compose himself. "He threatened to send me there."

Emilio's eyes widened in disbelief as he clutched a now-sobbing Tobi to his chest. Gently, he carded his hands through Tobi's hair, softly kissing his head. 

Tobi buried his face in the crook of Emilio's neck before mumbling out the rest of the story. "I managed to talk him out of it— obviously— but I earned the scar instead. I'd prefer not to talk about that."

"Of course, love. You don't have to," Emilio said, hugging Tobi tighter. 

Tobi clung to Emilio until his sobs mellowed out to the occasional sniffs and hiccups. He pulled away, rubbing at his eyes and feeling embarrassed for breaking down like that.

Emilio cupped Tobi's cheek in his hand, his thumb stroking gently along Tobi's cheekbone. Tobi met his eyes and saw the love and adoration for him in them. Shame rose in him. How had he honestly thought that Emilio would leave him after learning of his trauma? It seemed foolish now. 

"Do you still want me to spend the night?" Emilio asked.

"Please." 

Tobi leaned in and pressed his lips against Emilio's. Emilio kissed back instantly, pulling Tobi closer. 

"I hope you don't mind, but I don't think we'll be going back to the church any time soon," Tobi said, pulling away. 

"You never have to go back there if you don't want to," Emilio promised. 

Tobi smiled lightly, standing up. "I'm going to go get ready for bed. Emotional breakdowns are exhausting. Make yourself at home."

Emilio returned the soft smile before getting up to find the bedroom. He sat down on the bed, when something shoved between the bed and the wall caught his eye. It was a black notebook. 

Is this Tobi's dream journal?

He opened the book to a random page in the middle and scanned the writing. Dark, bloody stories filled the pages of the book, frequently featuring the name Mr. Edburt, confirming Emilio's suspicions. Tobi had said his dreams were dark, but Emilio felt that was a bit of an understatement. They were disturbing, and only got more so as they became more recent. Many of them featured Emilio. 

Tobi walked into the room and stiffened slightly when he saw what Emilio was holding. His instincts told him to snatch the book out of his hands, but he knew there was no point hiding it from him. 

"These are your dreams?" Emilio asked. 

Tobi nodded, sitting down next to Emilio and taking the notebook gently. "How many did you read?"

"Enough," Emilio replied. "I'm sorry that you have these nightmares."

Tobi shrugged. "I'm mostly desensitized nowadays."

Emilio gave him a painting look and pulled him into his arms. Tobi leaned into the embrace. 

"I can't promise I won't wake up screaming tonight."

"It's alright," Emilio assured. "I'll be there to comfort you if you do."

Tobi kissed him on the tip of the nose and lied down, pulling Emilio with him. He cuddled into his boyfriend's side, sighing contentedly as he drifted off to sleep, Emilio running his hands through Tobi's hair.

Tobi woke to Emilio's arms around his waist and soft sunlight streaming through the window. He smiled as Emilio mumbled something incoherent in his sleep and pulled Tobi closer. 

"Good morning," Tobi said softly as Emilio's eyes fluttered open, grinning. 

Emilio replied by chastely kissing Tobi on the lips. "Your dream wasn't bad last night?"

Tobi's eyes widened in shock, his smile dropping momentarily before spreading across his face even wider. "I didn't have one." 

A/N Happy Wednesday! And that's our show! Thank you guys for your support and for sticking around. It means so much to me. I was very nervous about publishing this book because I've never published my writing before, but all the votes and comments have really boosted my confidence! I'm so grateful to all of you. I never honestly thought I would get to the end of this book. While I had so much fun writing this, I'll be very glad to have a break. I don't think I'm going to be writing for a little while. If I get around to actually creating the webcomic I'm planning, I'll post an announcement and where to find it in case you guys are interested. I'm aware some of the timeline for this chapter doesn't line up with the source material, but this is an AU and I can do whatever I want, so there. This week's title is from "Our Lawyer Made Us Change the Name of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued" by Fall Out Boy. If you haven't by now, I fully recommend you listen to them. They're great. Well, that's all folks. Hope to be back with another book in the future. Sorry this authors note is so long. Thank you for taking the time to read.