Starting Over

Chapter 15: I'm Scared of Many Things

"You okay?" Coach Carson ask as I take a seat next to him

"I'm fine." I try to say in the most calming way but the truth is I'm scared.

"Okay then since you say you're fine, you're fine." He says completely ignoring my eyes filled with water.

Men.

They can't ever comfort a girl.

I expected Coach Carson to comfort me. He is like a father to me. But he's just like my father because my father won't comfort me.

"Okay you know what!? Whatever! I don't care. Just ignore the tears falling down my face!" I yell at him while sobbing. I immediately get up and storm out of the arena.

I'm currently starting the walk back to my dorm. I'm currently a crying mess. I have no one. I'm alone. And I'm slowly spiraling and it's scary.

I can feel myself going down the dark hole again. I can't. I can't go down that hole. I might die if I do. Or never come out of it.

My morning started awful. I had a bad dream last night. A horrible one. The one that feels real. It's because Seth brought that bastard to my mind. So I woke up frightened and crying. Called my mom. She didn't answer.

I needed to talk to someone. So I called Seth. He answered and said he'd call me back. He never did.

I called Austin. He said he was busy with basketball and then he was going on a date with Kylie so he'd call me tomorrow.

I even called my dad. Which is rare. I never call him. He answered. I told him I missed home and was calling to see how it was. He didn't even get to speak a sentence before he was interrupted about basketball. So he ended the call real quick.

I walked out to my car to take a drive. It wouldn't start. So then I walked to the basketball arena hoping Coach Carson would talk to me but he didn't. He ignored me. Or at least that is what it felt like.

I'm being ignored today by everyone. I feel like no one cares. And it's scary. The feeling that you have no one is terrifying.

The feeling of having no one is what sent me down the rabbit hole the first time.

I'm currently speed walking across campus so no one sees me cry. That's embarrassing. Crying in public.

"Taylor?" I know that voice. Shit. Chase. This isn't a good time. My checks are puffy, my nose is running and, my makeup isn't even on my face anymore. The tears have washed it away.

I ignore him and keep walking but it's not long before I feel his hand on my shoulder. "Taylor?"

"Yeah?" I say not turning around and I won't be surprised if he didn't hear me. I barely have a voice from all the crying. I close my eyes. Hoping that if we come face to face he won't see my red eyes still full of tears wiling to fall.

"Taylor are you okay?" From where his voice is coming from I call tell he's in front of me.

I open my eyes slowly and put on a smile.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"You're clearly not. Your cheeks are stained with tears and mascara, your eyes are red, and you look absolutely exhausted."

"I told you I'm fine. Just upset over a phone call with my mom." I lied. It's what I do best. Fake happiness.

"You can't do this to me." He says barely above a whisper.

Now it's my turn to be confused. "Do what?"

"Act like your fine. When clearly you're not. I care about you. That kiss was like no kiss I've ever had before. You're constantly in my head. You have secrets. I get it. It's just I hate that you feel as if you can't trust me. You can't look like this in front of me. I care about you and the current state you're in is scary. You can't lie to me and say you're fine. When you're not. It's going to worry me. I carry me about you so please don't. You don't have to fake it with me. Or pretend you're fine. I want to know the real Taylor. The one who cries, and gets angry, and tells me about her family and secrets. So let me in. I'm begging you because if you don't you might drive me away, along with other people who care about you."

I don't know what to say.

I'm speechless. I want to let him in I just can't. I haven't been able to let people in for a long time now. Once I tell someone my secrets they'll run away. It's too much for one person to handle. It was too much for me to handle.

"I want to tell you everything. I just can't. It's not because I don't want to but because I'm scared to."

He doesn't say anything he just pulls me into a hug.

Even though he didn't use his words, his actions mean more. It's the little things.

"I'm scared. Im scared of many things. I'm scared of snakes, bugs, sitting in a car parked in a parking lot by myself, being alone, being forgotten, being ignored, I'm scared of my past coming back to haunt me, scared of making friends, and I'm scared of falling for you." I admit

"We are all scared of things, Taylor. It's apart of life. But you have to face your fears and overcome them. I want to be here with you when you come face to face with all of them." He tells me

"Well maybe not the snakes one. I'm kinda scared of them myself." He jokes. Which earns a laugh from me.

"I'm going to tell you everything soon. There's just somethings I need to work out first."

"Well you look like you could use a break. I am going to cheer you up. It's my new project. So how would you like to come to dinner with my family." He pauses. "Well not just me and my family. Loren, Nicole, Gabe, Ethan, Hayden, and Gracie will be there. But something tells me something will come up to where somebody won't be able to make it. Us all being away at college we don't get lots of home cooked meals. So my mom cooks for all of us when she can. But most of the time not all of us are there. Something always comes up with someone."

"I'd love to come. Trust me I won't be backing out I love a home cooked meal."

"Great I'll pick you up around six."

I'm glad I have plans tonight because Chase is saving me from my own mind. My mind is dangerous and poisonous. It is a place no one should explore alone.

_______

6/15/21
3:27pm

I'm back from vacation and will be updating normally now.