Starting Over

Chapter 21: "I'm Here For You."

It's the end of the week. After I left Chase speechless in line waiting for food, he still was over thinking. So I gave up on giving him hints.

I'm currently packing all of my things. Nicole can't come to the game because something came up. She left this morning to head back to Chapel Hill. Loren will be going.

"You okay? You look a little pale." A very worried Loren asked

"Im fine. I just haven't had breakfast. I have to make a phone call. Tell the guys for me."

"Sure." Loren hands me her phone. She knows I powered off mine.

I head out to the beach for the phone call. I dial Seth's number. He doesn't pick up the first time so I try again. This time he picks up on the second ring.

"Uh....hello?"

"Seth."

"Taylor! What the hell! Everyone has been worried sick!"

"I know and I'm sorry. I've enjoyed living without technology, I'm not gonna lie. I'm calling you off of a friends phone. I was just wondering if I have to be at the game."

"Taylor you promised."

"I know. It's just I don't think I'm ready." I admit.

"Well you promised. You should be ready. You haven't stepped foot on campus in awhile. If your worried you will become someone else when you step on campus, just watch my game and then leave. I need you here Taylor. You promised. You better not back out." He's trying to guilt trip me.

"Fine. I'll be there."

I've always been scared in disappointing people. I feel like if I back out I'm disappointing my brother.

I'm scared. Kentucky has a lot of bad memories. None I want to relive.

As I head back up to my room. My stomach is doing flips. I have to go. I can't not go. It's just one game. One game. That's it.

Once I'm in my room, I shut the door and let the tears fall. My anxiety is sky rocketing right now.

"Hey, Nicole thinks she left her bracelet." Gabe says as he swings the door open. I immediately turn around and put my back to him. So I can dry my tears. "Taylor? Are you okay?"

"Yep. Just fine."

"Don't lie. What's wrong?"

"I can't go. I can't go, Gabe. There's a lot more to the story than you know. I can't. Everyone hates me there. I walked out. I have ex friends and a boyfriend, and hookups there. I can't go. That stupid college holds so many awful memories."

"Don't think about the awful memories. Think about the good ones."

"With every good memory there is this awful ending. I can't think of the good without thinking of the bad." I confess.

"Then don't go. Go home. Go back to Chapel Hill. Nicole is there."

"I can't. I made a promise to my brother. I said I would show."

"He would understand, wouldn't he? Your mental health matters more than some stupid game. That UNC will win."

"I would like to think he would understand, but he wouldn't. He may be my brother that cares about me, but every Lawson cares more about something else than each other. I'll be down soon. Okay?"

"Okay. Just know I'm here for you. We all are."

"I know. Thanks. By the way Gabe, Nicole is lucky to have you."

"If only she could see that." He admits before walking out.

"Get it together. You can do this. It's just one game." I tell myself.

"Are you giving yourself a pep talk for no reason?" Chase says which makes me jump. I didn't not here him come in.

"What's with everyone barging in?!" I question accusingly.

"I was just coming to see if you were ready. The door was open. So I don't think I barged in. If you want I can walk out and knock."

"No it's fine. I'm just not really that ready to go back to Kentucky."

"Think of it like this. We're going to Kentucky. I'm going to play basketball and you're going to watch. After the game you'll go talk your brother. I don't know why you're scared to go back. I know you don't want to tell me but whatever the reason is, I'll be by your side. You won't have to face whatever you're facing alone. Because like I said I want to be here for you. If being in Kentucky is too hard for you treat it like it's your last time there. Do whatever you want to do so you don't have to come back. So that you can finish college and move to Colorado. So that you won't ever have to look back. Leave your battles and demons in Kentucky."

I pull Chase into a hug. "Thanks. I kinda needed that pep talk."

"I mean everything I said. I'm here for you. If you need me I'll be here for you. You gave me some great advice and you were there for me. So here I am. I'm here for you Taylor."

"Your a great guy."

"Come on let's get you packed. Everyone is waiting."

Chase and I start throwing everything in my suitcase and duffel. My anxiety is still high but it's calmed down a little.

I'm going to make this my last visit to Kentucky. I'm going to do everything I've wanted too before leaving and never looking back. Because if I keep looking back, I'm never going to move forward. I'll always take a step toward and three steps backwards.

I'm over it. I'm over the pain. I'm over the memories. Kentucky is my home, but it's also my hell.

From now on. I'm done. Once April 30th passes, I'm done looking back. I'm just going to look forward.

I'm going to let everyone in.

Most importantly I'm going to let Chase in. I'm going to tell him everything but there's just a few things I have to do before I can fully let him in.

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7/28/21
12:53pm