Starting Over

Chapter 25: Starting Over

"Entry #25: I'm finally Starting Over. I thought for the longest time that Starting Over consisted of forgetting the past. Starting Over consist of finding myself, first. I've learned that Starting Over isn't a place. It's a mindset. I've hit rock bottom. Rock Bottom became my solid foundation. It's now the foundation to which I will rebuild myself on. I'm Starting Over, not from scratch, but from experience. Everything I went through wasn't my fault, but healing is my responsibility." I read out loud to Doctor Miller.

"You've made great process since our first meeting a couple of months ago. In order to Start Over I need you to focus on yourself and what you need to make yourself happy."

Yesterday when I got back from Kentucky, I just went to my room. I made sure every bill they paid of mine that I didn't know of, I now pay.

Austin tried calling me, but I ignored it. I still listened to the voicemail it said:

Taylor I don't know what phase you're going through, but come back home. Let's talk this out and get you the help you deserve. Seth and I talked we are tired of you playing mom and dad's feelings. What you said was so not needed to be said. So call me back so we can get you help.

He sounded so dumb. He didn't listen to a word of what I said yesterday I mean it I'm done with them.

Starting Over is going to take time. I have a lot of things I need to do before I become better.

When I head back to the dorm the girls are sitting on the couch. "Something came in the mail for you. " Loren speaks as soon as she sees me.

"I was thinking we should all go to a party tonight. It would get your mind off everything." Nicole says but I ignore because what I'm looking at is surprising.

I mean I knew it would come.

Just not so soon.

I mean I've been out of high school for two years now. They said they'd send it when we were out of high school for four years.

I can't open this.

"What is that? What's wrong?" Loren asks as her and Nicole approach me.

"It's was our freshman year English project. The directions were to write a letter for the name of the student you were given. Skylar and I got lucky because we got to write a letter to each other. They said they would send them when we were out of school for four years. I can't read this. I'm trying to Start Over."

"Maybe it will help the healing process." Loren suggests.

"Yeah, I mean maybe this letter came two years early for a reason." Nicole adds

They know what happened to Skylar I told them this morning before I left for therapy. They were shocked and felt so sorry for me. We all cried for an hour after I told them. They cried with me.

"Can y'all read it for me? I would, but I probably wouldn't make it through the first sentence."

"I'll read it." Nicole tells me.

"Tay Law, the assignment is to write a letter to the name you were given. I was given your name." I laugh at the nickname she gave me. "I don't really know what to say. So, I'm going to make this sound like I'm giving a speech at your wedding. Yes! Me! I will give a speech at your wedding because I will be your maid of honor. Got that? Okay so here I go. Taylor we grew together. We became the best of friends in Pre-K. That witch Faithlynn wouldn't let me play with the doll house. I remember you looking over at me and handing me a volleyball. The volleyball you were playing with. You're my best friend and I couldn't imagine living without you. I mean it. When you have a kid you better name her after me. Anyways back to what I was saying."

Skylar could never keep track of her thoughts. She would talk about one thing and then always get side tracked.

"My favorite memory of us is when we entered middle school. You made me practice so hard so that I could be on the volleyball team with you. You're a great person. You're my best friend. So, since the project was to write a letter and give a piece of you to a classmate that is what I am doing. I thought really hard on what you would want of mine, I mean you have everything. You're Taylor Lawson, but then it hit me. Volleyball. So, the piece of me I am giving to you is our volleyball. It's a piece of us." No it can't be she can't still have that ball. We lost it.

"The same volleyball from Pre-K. I know you're not going to get this letter for a while, but I'm sorry for what I told you yesterday. I know I haven't been a great friend. What I said yesterday to you was so stupid. I shouldn't of said it. I'm just under pressure to be perfect. So this is my apology that won't be given for a while. So, go ahead and open the box that is attached. Again I'm so sorry, Sky"

When I open the box there it is. That volleyball that throughout the years we managed to keep clean. We wrote our names on it. "I miss her." I admit to them.

"That's normal. You should." Nicole comforts me. I have tears falling out of my eyes.

Crying is healthy. It's normal and I'm learning that.

"You think she would be proud?" I ask them

"Absolutely. She knows you're healing and she's so damn proud of you for it. We all are." Loren says as she pulls me in a hug.

I'm glad I met Loren and Nicole.

"Enough of the sad times. I need a good time. I'm finally free and I haven't felt free in forever."

"Party?" Nicole suggests.

"Well, it's early for a party how about we pregame at Pat's then head to the nearest sorority house?" Loren ask and me and Nicole nod.

"Great well we should change. We look like grandma's in a nursing home." Nicole laughs at our outfits. We thought we were staying in. So, we changed into pajamas that just happened to match.

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8/14/21
10:14pm