Shape Unsheltered

CHAPTER -2-

HAPPY READING 🥰

Cindy Washington

Today is Sunday at 4:30 am. I lay in bed wide awake, because of what I had planned for today. I know it takes a long time coming but it weighs heavily on my conscience after seeing her yesterday. I never intend to hurt our friendship, It was never my intention to hurt her.

I still haven't named the phase I was going through. I just know, I was going through some things and I have made some tough decisions I've come to regret. The first being another woman dictates how my son is being raised. I have to sit back and watch Anna make decisions over my son's life and I have to comply with them. It is not that Anna makes bad decisions over Steph, but yesterday I wanted to open his presents with him. She states it wasn't time and I couldn't say a damn thing. I felt some kind of way but I ignored it and went with the flow of things.

I'm also human and I'm hurting just as I've hurt those around me. It hurt me to make those decisions and it hurts to live with the repercussions. My eyes burn with tears as many nights I have cried myself to sleep. It hurt my soul that I put myself in a position to be labelled and to be dictated to.

For years I cried by myself for myself. No one heard my cries because the next morning I showered, comb my hair, get dressed, put on a brave face and went about my business as if nothing bothered me. But deep down inside I was hurting. My heart is crippled with the aches I'm feeling. I tried to control my emotions but my tears wouldn't stop flowing. My actions have cut me opened and I kept bleeding. I was bleeding for those I hurt, for my son, and for the hurt, I feel in my soul.

I sit up in bed as I am feeling overwhelmed by the number of emotions weighing heavily on my heart. Although, I don't understand what I was feeling at the time, neither do I expect others to understand. Nevertheless, I was expecting some support.

I'm all alone in Italy. No one knows me I go to work, come home and lock myself in my apartment. I talk to my parents, my son and that's it. I cook dinner then sit all alone to eat. It hurts even more, that I have no one in my corner. Even though I push them away, I also thought I meant more to those around me and someone would've supported me. "Don't I deserve love," am I that bad because I want to chase my dreams? and develop my career.

I place my hands over my mouth as I cried out for every pain I feel. My body vibrates with the excruciating pain I feel. What makes it hurt worst is I caused it all on myself.

I try so hard not to hear the silence but it is so deafening, it pierces my soul. It sometimes fills me with doubt but my son, my passion, my dreams, my vision are what drive me to keep going. I try to block out the negative that will keep me from my goals and purposes.

I brace the headboard of my bed and cried myself to sleep after feeling so drained and tired of the emotions I'm feeling.

When I wake up at 9 am I didn't feel any better, my head hurts, my eyes are puffy and red, my tummy growls at me, I didn't eat since I left Italy. I was so busy at Steph party I forgot to eat. When I reached home last night jetlag took over. I just showered and went to bed.

I slowly crawl out of bed, dragging myself into the bathroom, I was feeling too low, I got under the shower standing there letting the water cascade down my body wetting my head, in an attempt to drown this low feeling. Finally, when I came out of the shower, my hands and feet were crimped due to the length of time I stayed in the shower. I wrapped my head and brush my teeth.

I'm so hungry at this point I didn't bother to dry my skin. I put on my bathrobe and went down to the kitchen with my cellphone dialling Steph, waiting for him to answer.

"Hi mom, I missed you." He answers.

"I missed you to son. How are you? did you sleep well?"

"I'm fine mom, I slept like a baby."