Shape Unsheltered

CHAPTER -19-

HAPPY READING 🥰

Cindy Washington

It's 3 am Sunday and I can't sleep. Steph is fast asleep beside me and I can't seem to close my eyes. DeMarcus brought us home and left immediately after. I have so much on my mind and don't know where to begin with it all.

I often wonder if these sleepless nights are a sign of moving on. Sometimes I think to heal we have to cry and go through hell in order to have closure. The more I will myself to sleep the more my brain wouldn't turn off the words he said to Steph or did he said them to me?

The more I will myself, the more my mind repeat his words.

"Well Steph I loved your mother way before you were born and to date, I'm very much in love with her."

"Uh" I groan getting off the bed, walking to the window. I look out the window high in the sky at the stars. It's so still out in the sky and everything is aligned so perfectly even the moon knows its place and sits high and shines so bright in all its glory. Why can't life be this still and perfect? Why can't love to be this align and in order? We grow up, go to school, take in all the education possible and available to us, get the best career for us then fall madly and hopefully in love with the one who truly rocks our soul then devour and rearrange our intestines with their shafts. Why can't it be that simple, ABC or 123 simply?

It's been years since I have hoped and wondered why he couldn't give me the time and love I had given.

Emotions are a very funny thing, people will never forget how you made them feel. They might forgive but never forget. Lord knows I've sought forgiveness more than I deserve it and I've hurt people in my life the way I was hurt.

To say I thought about it this way years ago would make me a hypocrite. It took me years of growing and broadening my knowledge and understanding to make this conclusion. I've loved and I've lost and I've lost and I've loved. It goes both ways and I've learned from it all. Nevertheless, I've made my peace with it and I've moved on but not really. There is one thing keeping me here, drawing me by a force I can't silent. The biggest force in the universe is calling my name loud and clear and I can't seem to answer. Why? "Because I'm scared, that's why."

Steph stirs in his sleep like he's reaching out for me so I hurry back to bed. I pull the covers over us and he snuggles up to me. Thank God Sean gave him sisters he can protect in the future. My baby was willing to go to battle for his mother. Thank God I put my pride aside and fought to be in his life. He will forever be the biggest, best decision I ever made in my life. I kiss his forehead and close my eyes.

Yet sleep is beyond me. The moment I decided to let it go, to walk away Jinette finally made an effort. No matter how small it was she made an effort and that was all I asked. Life keeps rolling by and no matter how it turns out and how I feel or how scared I get at my outcome I'm never giving up on myself no matter who doesn't believe in me. It's the only thing I know for sure.

"Mom, mom" I stretch and yawn I didn't even realize I went to sleep after trying to will my mind to shut off. "Mom, mom."

"I'm up, I'm up" I roll out the bed. "Good morning did you sleep well."

"Good morning mom, I did sleep well. Grandma made breakfast and I'm so full, I will burst."

"I know she cooked all of yesterday, I don't know how we are going to eat it all."

"Well Mr Granger is downstairs and he's on his third plate."

"What you mean Mr Granger is downstairs."

"He came over when you were asleep and grandpa was talking to him."

What is happening with this man, if he wasn't so fine with himself  I would have committed a crime. "Ok let me freshen up and I will be right down."