Pairing Hearts |louis tomlinson|

Chapter Twenty-One

*Trigger Warning*

I woke up sopping wet and coughing on the bathroom floor. Louis was over me sobbing and Marcy and Bailey were huddled in the corner.
"Oh my God," Louis choked and I was wrapped in his arms as I continued coughing. The paramedics burst into the bathroom. They took my vitals and checked my breathing and eventually deemed me well enough that they could leave.
"You're okay," Louis said relief clear in his voice as he dropped back down to the ground and wrapped me in a hug. I felt numb as Louis held me. Those memories were still there and that guilt was still there and I was still alive.
"Undress and we'll put your robe on," Louis said. "You must be cold. You're soaking wet."
I didn't move and Louis looked up to Marcy and Bailey. "Will you meet me outside?" Louis asked them and they nodded before leaving the bathroom. Marcy shut the door on her way out.
"Come on let's stand up love," Louis said helping me to my feet. "Do you need help getting undressed or can you do it?"
"Please don't touch me," I said shying away from his hands. I could still feel that man's hands on me and it made me feel sick. I saw Louis' heartbreak right in front of me.
"I'm sorry," Louis said turning to face the door, so I could change. When I pulled on the robe, I touched his back lightly. Louis opened the door and led me out to the bedroom where Marcy and Bailey were sitting on the floor.
"Kate, what the hell were you thinking?" Marcy said getting up and immediately pulling me into a hug. Her words were harsh but her voice was uneven and her hug told me she wasn't going to let go anytime soon. Bailey still had tears streaming down her cheeks as she sat on the floor hugging her knees.
"What do you need from us right now? Do you need me to ask Louis to leave? Do you want Bailey and me to leave? You just tell me what you need and I will make sure it happens," Marcy whispered so only I could hear. I knew in that moment that she was never going to give up on me, that she loved me despite the damage I caused. I broke down into a sob.
"Please don't leave," I whispered and she held on a little tighter.
"I won't. I'll stay for as long as you need me," she said holding me close. Eventually, I pulled away and sank to the floor.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I whispered into my hands. I felt Louis hover next to me.
"Can I please hug you?" He asked and I nodded not looking up. He wrapped me into his arms.
"I'm sorry for how much I've hurt you," I whispered curling into his body.
"As long as you love me, I don't care what happens," Louis answered. "As long as at the end of the day I still get to hold you."
"Kate," Bailey finally spoke her voice shaky. We all looked at her. "I need to know why. Was it something we did or didn't do?"
Louis let go of me so that I could face Bailey. "It was me being selfish," I answered looking away.
"In the note, you said you couldn't live with the memories and the damage you have and have caused. What... I just need to know why."
So I told them about the reporters and the truth in their words and then the memory I had regained and how sick I felt about it all. Bailey got up and wrapped me in a hug.
"Those reporters are wrong," Bailey answered. "That's your story to tell and you don't have to tell it if you're not ready. Yeah, you may be famous, but you're not obligated to give up your private life and you're not responsible for anyone else's decisions. And that memory, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry you had such an awful childhood, but I promise you none of us are going to let you suffer through those memories alone. We are all a part of each other's lives, so you can't just decide to end yours without thinking of any of us."
"I'm sorry," I whispered putting my forehead on hers and meeting her eyes.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here for you," she whispered back. We pulled away from each other.
"We brought some take out," Louis said rubbing my back lightly. "You should eat something."
I nodded letting him lift me up and take me to the kitchen. Marcy and Bailey sat down at the table, but I stayed up attaching myself to Louis. I know I had hurt him more than I ever thought I would and I felt so guilty. I whispered over and over again how sorry I was as he held me tightly against his side.
"Stop," he whispered pressing his nose to my cheek. "Babe I get why you did it. I... I promise the only feeling I have for you is love."
"I love you too," I said kissing his jaw and resting my head on his shoulder.
As we ate Louis gripped my hand tightly as if he was scared he would lose me if he let go. They were joking about something, I couldn't really keep track of the conversation as the events of the day flew through my head. I felt the tears welling in my eyes and I tried to push them down. I didn't want them to get worried again. I looked down at my plate trying to get control.
"Babe," Louis said his hand traveling to my shoulder. I looked up at him trying to smile, but I couldn't. "What's wrong love?"
"I almost died," I whispered as the tears traced down my cheeks. "I almost left you."
"You're okay now," Louis said putting my head on his shoulder. "We're okay."
"You have been through so much today and I'm sure this whole week," Bailey said softly. "It's okay to feel overwhelmed, but next time just call us and we'll be there for you."
"I know," I whispered wiping the tears.
"We'll let you and Louis spend some time talking," Marcy said getting up. "We'll call you tomorrow?"
"Okay," I nodded getting up and giving them each hugs. When they left, Louis left everything out on the table and brought me to the bedroom.
"I never meant to hurt you," I sighed as he pulled me into the bed. "I was so selfish. I was only thinking about myself."
"Well, that's because you've been going through this all alone. Maybe if I had been a better boyfriend I would have talked to you and known something was wrong. I could have helped you."
"Don't say that," I said looking away. "You're perfect, it's me that's the mess. I ruin everything."
"You are perfect, flaws and all," Louis smiled kissing my cheek.
--
We spent the next two days in my bedroom. I was so exhausted that I couldn't even think about getting out of bed. Louis didn't seem to mind, he held me all day and whispered how much he loved me. It felt so safe and warm in that space, that I was terrified of leaving it. I was terrified all those feelings of guilt and hate would come flooding back as soon as I left. One morning Louis and I woke up to pounding on the front door. I sat up groggily as Louis grumbled about the noise. I tried to get up, but Louis wrapped an arm around me.
"Just pretend we're not home," Louis groaned.
"Can't Lou, it's getting louder," I sighed rubbing my eyes.
"I'll get it," Louis replied. "I'm not letting you get mauled by some psycho."
I sighed as his warmth left my side. I got up and followed him even though I know he didn't want me to.
"What the fuck do you want so early in the morning?" Louis asked and I flinched hoping it wasn't Marcy or Bailey. They knew he didn't like to be woken up though, so I had a feeling it wasn't them.
"Where's Kate?" I was surprised to hear Alec's voice ask.
"Asleep," Louis replied curtly. "What do you want?"
"She's right behind you," Alec said and Louis turned shaking his head at me. His look told me if I had stayed in bed he would already be back. I gave him a little shrug.
"Well then what do you want?" Louis asked arms crossed.
"I want to know why you're being such a fucking bitch to Ashley," Alec said looking directly at me.
"Nope, you're not going to attack my girlfriend in our own fucking home," Louis said standing in front of me and pushed Alec out the door.
"You know it's your fault her name is being pulled through the wringer. You're the reason the press is pestering her every fucking day. Maybe if you weren't such a goddam tease..."
"Get the fuck out you asshole," Louis said giving Alec a hard shove before slamming the door in his face.
"Maybe if you weren't such a goddam tease you wouldn't have destroyed your sister and your relationship with her. You're a selfish bitch and you should have gone through with it," Alec shouted through the door. Louis took me by the waist and pulled me out of the living room and back into the bedroom as Alec continued yelling.
"I'm calling the fucking cops," Louis said grabbing his phone. I put my hand on his.
"Don't, he'll calm down eventually," I said sitting on the edge of the bed. "He's not saying anything that's wrong."
"Kate, look me in the eyes right now," Louis said getting down on his knees and making me meet his eyes. "You are not a tease. You are not a bitch. You are not selfish. You are not the reason this is happening to you or your sister. Saving you is what I was put on this earth to do. You always tell me that everything happens for a reason, and you're alive right now because you give too much to the world to be taken out of it yet. I need you, Bailey needs you, and so does Marcy. Alec is wrong."
I nodded leaning to rest my forehead on his. "You're my only family and my only home."
"I'll be whatever and whoever you need," Louis replied his eyes so serious and loving. I placed my hands on the back of his neck rubbing it lightly.
"I love you," I mouthed.
"I have to tell you something," Louis sighed trying to pull away but I wouldn't let him. I needed him close to me.
"You can tell me anything," I whispered.
Louis closed his eyes before he spoke. "During the Midnight Memories tour, I stole pills from one of our opening acts and took them all at once. Someone from management found me and they took me to the hospital in a moving van. I was back before anyone woke up in the morning."
I let the tears trace down my cheeks. I hated knowing that I could have helped him, but I didn't. I put one hand on the back of his head and guided it to my shoulder holding him tightly to me. "I'm sorry," I whispered rubbing his back.
"It's just I know how much hurt I went through to get to that point and I hate knowing that you're feeling that kind of hurt right now. I felt so alone and worthless. Is that how you feel? How you felt?"
"I... felt really overwhelmed. I felt like all those awful memories were just piling on top of each other. I felt like I couldn't live with those memories. Being with you and Marcy and Bailey, it helps a lot because it reminds me of all the good memories I have with you guys. I wish I could have been there to give you that sense of love," I sighed rubbing his back.
"You were there for me though," Louis said his cheek on my shoulder. "You called me out of the blue the next morning. I knew no one had told you because it was before anyone else had even woken up. I remember exactly what you said, wouldn't even let me get a word in." Louis laughed and I rubbed his back.
"What did I say?" I asked wishing I could remember the sound of his voice and our conversation.
"You said, oh gosh I really just needed to hear your voice. I've just had the worst week, I failed a math test and I just don't understand why I need to take math if I already know simple addition and multiplication. I just really miss you, my only friend is my sister and you're way funnier than her."
"It's true," I smiled kissing his jaw.
"You made me realize I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want to be the reason you were hurting. You saved me by being yourself, you always do," Louis smiled into my neck.
"I wish I hadn't just talked about myself the whole time," I sighed.
"You didn't," Louis laughed. "You asked me about the band and where we were. You asked me if I was getting enough sleep and if I was eating enough. You aren't selfish love, you never were."
I pulled him close to me and held him tight. "I love you so much," I whispered kissing his forehead.
"I love you more," he answered.