Pairing Hearts |louis tomlinson|

Chapter 45

The next weekend was the funeral. We arrived before anyone else, so I could have a few moments alone with my sister. Louis and Lilly sat in a pew both wearing black, as I walked to the front. When she came into view I almost lost it, but I knew I had to keep it together for Lilly's sake. I knelt down and rested my arms on the casket.
"I'm so sorry Ashley," I whispered closing my eyes. "I wish I could have done more to help you. I wish I had answered your phone calls. I hope you know I never stopped loving you. I never forgot everything you did for me. Thank you for saving me, loving me, protecting me, and supporting me when I was weak and fragile. You're the only reason I'm happy now and I'm sorry I couldn't do the same for you. It's not fair and I wish I would have done more."
I stood up brushing off my dress and wiping under my eyes. Louis was immediately by my side helping me over to the pew. Lilly took my hand as I sat down and it was such a sweet gesture that I almost let the tears spill again. Karen, Steve, and the kids came in next. Louis and I both stood up to give them each tight hugs.
"I'm sorry I couldn't do more," Steve sighed as he squeezed me tightly.
"I feel the same way," I whispered back. Steve gave me a pat on the back and a sad smile before stepping away. He was taking it even harder than I was, I knew from the deep circles under his eyes and the paleness of his face. Karen and the kids each gave me tight hugs before going to sit next to Steve.
Marcy and Bailey were next, rushing over to wrap me in tight hugs. "Are you okay?" Bailey whispered rubbing my back gently.
"Obviously I'm upset, but I will be okay," I shrugged. Bailey and Macy both nodded.
As the sermon started, I sat down between Louis and Lilly. Lilly had her arms wrapped around my waist as she leaned against me and Louis held my hand. Towards the end of the funeral, I was supposed to make a speech. I got up to the podium and pulled out my little speech with shaky hands. I looked around the room surprised to find so many faces from our past. I knew that a lot of people were there out of guilt. They had left her just like I had, but most of them had left because of her fall from fame. At least I could say I had left for more significant reasons.
"I'm Kate, um if you don't know I'm Ashley's younger sister. Although we were separated for a lot of our life, Ashley was the best sister growing up. She always took my phone calls and gave me some sense of normalcy, when I didn't have much of it. She protected me, supported me, and loved me when no one else would. She was the first real mother figure I ever had. She gave me a life where I could become happy and successful and for that, I am forever grateful. I know that no matter where she is she will always be watching over and protecting me and I hope she knows that I love her so much," I said wiping at my eyes. Tears were flowing freely down my cheeks as I moved back to the pew and Louis held me tightly stroking my hair. When the funeral was over we stood up and people came over to give us condolences.
"Kate, I don't know if you saw, but Harry is here," Louis whispered. I looked around to find Harry standing in the back of the church watching us. "I think you should go talk to him. He knew you and Ashley better when you two were on better terms. I think it would help."
I nodded knowing he was probably right. "I love you," I said stroking his cheek.
"I know," Louis nodded. I left his side and made my way over to Harry.
"Hey," I said softly standing in front of him. "Thank you for coming."
"I loved Ashley," Harry shrugged. "I know how much you two meant to each other."
I nodded the tears leaking again as memories of us came flooding back. "Come here love," Harry said holding his arms out. I wrapped my arms around his middle and let him hold me tightly. I broke down into heavy sobs for the first time since I found out.
"It's alright love, let it out," Harry said soothingly as he rubbed my back.
"I loved her," I sobbed. "She was a good sister. She was there when I needed her, but when she needed me I left."
"Hey, that's not true and you know it," Harry said pulling me back a little. He moved to sit us both in the back pew stroking my back lightly as I continued to ugly cry.
"I hadn't spoken to her in a few years," I sniffed.
"Kate, you were there when she needed you. You dropped everything when she was raped and you didn't leave until you knew she was okay. You helped her turn that trauma into something a lot more manageable. You were just as good of a sister, so don't sell yourself short," Harry said rubbing my back.
"Remember when she used to have those family dinners? We used to drink lemonade on her patio?" I asked composing myself.
"Yeah, that seems like a lifetime ago," Harry chuckled.
"She wasn't the same anymore," I sighed. "She changed after... after you did that interview. That's when we stopped talking. I'm not saying it's your fault, that was just the time frame. I don't really know what happened, but she was already distant before that, and then she said awful things about my relationship with Louis and my own judgment, and the wounds just got deeper every time we talked after that."
"You know I'm really sorry about everything, right?" Harry asked rubbing my shoulder gently.
"I know you've told me and I believe you," I said.
"If you're not going to blame me for this, then you can't blame yourself either," he said seriously. "I know you think you should have tried harder or forgiven her for whatever she did or said, but we both know you weren't the reason she took those drugs. You cut me out and it took me a long time, but it made me want to get better. If you had tried to convince me to change in those early years, I wouldn't have listened and I know that the same things go for Ashley. You can only help someone who wants help."
"Thanks," I sighed wiping my eyes and leaning against his shoulder.
"Course love," Harry said. "I know you've got Louis and your dad's family and friends, but if you need to talk, you know I'll always pick up the phone for you."
"I know," I nodded.
"Besides this, you seem to be doing really well. Don't let this be a setback in your happiness," Harry said rubbing my shoulder. I nodded.
"You should get back to your family. Louis is waiting for you and um your daughter..."
"Lilly," I said softly. "We adopted her a few months ago."
"She is so lucky. You two must be the best parents," Harry said. I let him pull me into a tight hug.
"Thank you for this. I know that Ashley would have been glad you came and happy to see you in such a good place."
"I'll always love you both," Harry replied before letting go. I gave him a wave before walking back to the first pew.
"You alright love?" Louis asked giving me a hug and pecking my lips. I nodded leaning against him.
"Mommy?" Lilly asked tugging lightly on my hand. I looked over at her. "Can you come with me to see her?"
"Sure," I nodded letting her take my hand and pull me back to the casket. Lilly observed the body as I stood slightly back.
"She's pretty," Lilly said hanging onto my arm.
"She was a movie star," I answered.
"Mimi told Aunt Marcy you think it's your fault. Do you really?"
I looked down at her questioning eyes and sighed, she was too smart for her own good. I sat her down on the little bench and faced her. "No," I sighed. "For a while, I was upset with myself because we didn't talk and I thought that maybe I could have done more, but there wasn't anything I could have done."
--
A few days later, Louis, Lilly, and I were sitting on the couch, when Lilly turned to me. "Mommy, will you tell me about your sister? Do you have pictures of when you were friends?"
Louis looked at me with a worried gaze. "Yeah," I nodded. "I just have to go find the photo albums."
I stood up and went to the back corner of our closet. I had stored a few boxes from my past life there. I pulled out a few photo albums from the year I moved in with Ashley. I brought it out of the closet and back to the living room. I let Lilly flip through the book in silence for a few minutes as Louis held me tightly.
"You look alike," Lilly said looking up at me.
"I've never heard that before," I said scrunching my eyebrows. "Ashley was always the prettier one."
"You have the same smiles," Lilly said pointing to a photo of the two of us standing in her backyard. She had her arms wrapped around my shoulders as we grinned at the camera. I found that she was right, our eyes scrunched in the same place and we both had deep dimples on our cheeks.
"It's you and daddy," Lilly grinned pointing to a photo. I leaned over to find it was one of the rare times Louis had come to a dinner party at Ashley's place. Louis and I were laughing paying no mind to the camera being pointed at us, too lost in our own little world. I hadn't pulled the photo albums since I got with Louis, so seeing the photo tugged at my heartstrings. He had always made me forget about the rest world, when we were together we were in our own little bubble.
"Did you love each other then?" Lilly asked tracing her finger over the photo. "It looks like you did."
"I've always loved your mom," Louis smiled wrapping his arm around my shoulder as he looked down at the photo.
"I think I always loved your dad too," I said looking up at him. "He always made me feel safe and happy, there aren't many guys in the world who can do that."
Louis grinned pecking my lips lightly. "Were all these pictures taken at your sister's house?" Lilly asked flipping through the book.
"Yeah, I used to live with her," I nodded. "She used to have dinner parties every weekend. Lots of famous people would come because they didn't have family in the area to eat with. She used to host thanksgiving dinners too. She always wanted people to feel like they had a family because that wasn't something we ever really had when we were younger."
"She seems nice," Lilly said with a frown. "I wish I could have met her."
"I wish you could have met her too," I sighed.