Pairing Hearts |louis tomlinson|

Chapter 40

The next few days were busy taking classes and filling out paperwork. We had started reading parenting books and blogs, making sure we were ready for anything. I could tell Louis was getting nervous about the home visit, but I don't think it was setting in for me yet.
I had called Karen to talk to her about writing a reference and then we got to talking about Steve. I agreed to meet them for a therapy session at the end of the week. When I told Louis, he insisted that he needed to be in the room with me and I agreed. I knew that this session was going to be difficult and I would need Louis there to support me.
As we pulled up to the therapist's office, Louis took my hand and squeezed it gently. "Don't hold back because you don't want to hurt him. This is the safest place, to be honest and get that hurt resolved."
"Okay," I nodded getting out of the car. Karen was outside waiting for us. She had a big smile on her face and we were instantly wrapped in her arms.
"I'm just so proud of you two for showing up here and for getting back on your feet and for working towards an adoption. You two are who I hope my children grow up to be," she said handing me a manilla folder. "That's your reference and if you need anything else just call."
"Thanks," I said placing it in my purse.
"You're sure you're okay to do this?" Karen asked as Louis placed his arm around my shoulders.
"Yes," I nodded.
"He's inside already, he's really glad you decided to come," Karen said patting her heart lightly. I nodded and let her lead us down the hallway. Karen knocked on a wooden door and a small brown-haired woman opened the door.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Marnie," she said with a kind smile. "You must be Kate."
"Yeah," I nodded feeling nervous. My last therapist had been so awful, that even being in an office like this gave me anxiety. Louis took my hand and squeezed it gently and I instantly relaxed.
"I'm her husband, Louis," he said.
"Nice to meet you, I'm glad you're here," Marnie smiled. "Why don't you all come inside."
We followed Marnie inside to find Steve already sitting on one of the couches. Louis and I sat on the couch across from him and Marnie and Karen sat in seats between us. I looked at Steve to find him with dark circles under his eyes. He looked thin and tired.
"Kate, I need to start by saying how sorry I am," he said his voice strained. "I'm sorry for the awful things that I said. And Karen, she told me everything. You know she isn't afraid to make me feel bad. She told me about your friends and how you've been sick with worry and stress and I'm just really sorry I was part of that. Louis, I should apologize to you too. I'm sorry I woke you both up in the middle of the night. I'm sorry I trespassed. I'm sorry I berated your wife. I'm sorry I put you in the position where you had to upset your wife by calling mine. I'm just sorry to you both."
"Thank you for that Steve," Marnie said with a nod. "Kate, no one here expects you to apologize, but do you have anything you would like to add or say?"
"I want to forgive you," I said biting my lip. "It's just been really hard for me because... well, I have that word... what you called me... it's always running through my mind," I sighed. "I know you're apologizing, but drunk words are sober thoughts, and I just... what if other people think that about me?"
Louis rubbed my back gently. "People don't think that. I don't think that," Steve said immediately. "You have been through so much and you didn't deserve the words I threw at you especially because it was my fault. I truly wish I could take back those words, but I can't. I just hope that we can become better."
"I really appreciate those words," I sighed. "Can I ask you a question? Is that allowed?"
Marnie nodded and so did Steve. "Um a few weeks ago, Louis and I's friend from back in the band, he showed up drunk and on so many drugs and passed out on the concrete. I just, well is it my fault? Did you used to be a drunk and was mom a drug addict because of me?"
Louis' hand found my back again and gently rubbing circles. "No honey, of course not. You were the easiest sweetest kid," Steve said running his hand over his face. "I was a drunk many years before you were ever born and I'm sure your mother's many boyfriends were the root of her drug problem because you never caused any problems. I'm sorry I didn't take you with me to LA and I'm sorry I didn't find you when I got sober."
"Why didn't you take me to LA?" I asked biting my lip.
"Kate, I don't think that's a healthy route to go down," Steve said.
"I need to know," I said brushing my hair back.
"Your mom and I decided that Ashley was the one with the potential to be something in Hollywood and we only had enough money to take one of you..." Steve sighed. "Clearly we were wrong because you were the only person in our family who did it right the first time. You're the only one who became successful and happy without infinite re-dos."
I looked to Karen who had tears streaming down her cheeks. "Why didn't you try to find me or even Ashley? Why did you keep us a secret?"
"Well, Ashley had kicked me out and honestly... well, I knew Ashley used to talk to you when you were kids and I heard about the things your mother made you do. I thought you were dead," Steve said looking down. I felt the tears run down my own cheeks at those words. They felt like a slap in the face.
"So you knew what was happening to Kate and you were more willing to let her die than to help her in any way?" Louis asked anger dripping from his voice.
"Let's try to reel this back in," Marnie said and Louis turned.
"No, think for one second if that was your father. Your father didn't care if you died. Instead, he hid your whole existence from his new family and wife like you were a dirty fucking secret. He knew you were living with a drug addict, who would do literally anything to get drugs and he let you stay there knowing you could die. That's fucked and he deserves to know that," Louis said still shaking with anger. I looked over to Karen who was nodding as tears streamed down her cheeks.
"We can't change the past, what we really need to do is start creating a more stable future," Marnie replied.
"It's hard to create a future when he doesn't care if your dead," I whispered looking down at my legs.
"I care, Kate," Steve said as Louis pulled me into his arms. "I didn't tell Karen because I couldn't talk about it. It hurt me to know what I had done to you. That I hadn't done anything to stop what was happening. It took me until I was sober to realize what a monster I had become and when I realized that I couldn't tell Karen because she was the only good thing in my life and I couldn't lose that. I'm sorry, really I am."
"I want to forgive you, but it's going to take time. I thought we were on that path until you showed up and called me... that word. I guess I just don't really know where you stand."
"Kate, I want to get to a good place with you. It's all I want. You were a sweet kind child when I left and despite everything that happened to you, I still see that little girl. I want to make it up to her and to you now. I see how you are with my kids and with Karen and I don't want to be the reason you lose any of them."
I nodded as Louis rubbed my back. "What can we do to get to a good place?" Marnie asked.
"I think it's just going to take time," I shrugged.
Steve nodded. "I think that's a healthy and safe place to leave this," Marnie nodded.
"I'll walk you two outside," Karen said standing up and wiping her eyes.
"Can I give you a hug?" Steve asked softly. I nodded biting my lip.
"I really do love you," he whispered rubbing my back gently before pulling away. I let Louis lead me out of the room.
"How are you feeling?" Louis asked.
"I'm okay," I shrugged letting him wrap me in a tight hug.
"Kate honey, I'm sorry," Karen sighed wrapping me in a hug next. "I need you to know we all care if something were to happen to you. When I told Steve about what you were going through he was so upset. He was asking what he could do to help you and to fix everything, but I just told him to keep his distance. He really does care about you."
"Thank you," I said rubbing her back gently. "Thank you for being here for me and caring and supporting me in spite of everything."
"I'll always support you, no matter what," Karen replied patting my cheek.
"Thank you," I said again as we pulled away.
"You two have a good night and remember, if you need a single thing, don't hesitate to call," Karen said sweetly. I nodded and let Louis lead me to the car.
"You okay?" Louis asked as we got into the car.
"Yeah," I nodded. "Are you okay?"
"I'm a little upset, but I'll be okay," he nodded.
"I don't like when you're upset, especially when it's because of me," I frowned as he started the car.
"It's not because of you," Louis answered placing his hand on my thigh.
"Well..."
"I don't like thinking about you dead. I don't like thinking that there are people out there who could think about you dead and not be a complete and utter mess. I know I got angry and I'm really sorry if that upset you, but I'm not going to let anyone hurt you and get away with it," Louis shrugged.
"I don't care that you got mad. I was happy you got mad because that's what I wanted to do," I said rubbing his hand gently.
"I love you, babe. I love you so fucking much and I will do anything for you," he said.
"I know and I love you too," I replied relaxing into the seat.