Holes in My Mind

The Unfinished Letter

Dear to whom it may concern,

If you're reading this, I'm probably dead by now. This is my just-in-case letter, in case something bad happens to me. My life hasn't been the greatest thing ever but neither have I. If I have wronged you, I'm am so sorry. I know saying I'm sorry probably isn't enough but it's the truth, I really am. I'm also sorry if you were someone who loved me, I just couldn't handle this life anymore. I know this life is only a speck of an eternal perspective of sorts, but it feels never-ending. I have spent the last couple of years of my life battling anxiety and depression which I imagine the person reading this most likely knows. It's prevented me from enjoying some of the joys in my adolescent years. If you knew me, you'd know that I wasn't very popular. I always tried to make friends but people were never interested or they scared me. The power of friendship is something that I have envied over the course of the last year or so. There's a sort of magic behind it that in some ways I believe I will never understand. I had a lot of thoughts about this life and what comes with it. I've always wanted to share but it seems that people only really care when you're dead. So that's what I'm doing. This letter right here is my reflection on my life.

I am not an amazing person. I am not talented nor am I special. I am just me. I am just a girl who wishes to fit in with her peers and longs for the day where this soul-sucking emotion will finally disappear. A girl who escapes her life through her books and her writing. A girl who loves to capture her life in pictures and videos. A girl who is a hopeless romantic but is afraid of love. A girl who is an open book and hates surprises. A girl who loved her family and friends and would do anything for them. This was who I was.

When the emptiness came, my love for these things disappeared. I no longer enjoyed the little pleasures of life, but instead became terrified of my life. I didn't go out with friends because I was scared, but would always feel like I'm missing out. I spend endless hours sitting in front of a computer, wishing for this life to finish itself or for my soul to finally give up on my empty body. Since I couldn't be happy, I wanted others to be happy. I'd give my advice or talk to them whenever they needed me. I blame myself for everything and I feel like the world is against me, which is one of my biggest flaws. I longed for friendship and support, but I could never reach far enough. This is who I became.

Would I say my life was terrible? Not at all. I had two parents who loved each other, went to great schools my whole life, had a roof over my head, and got to travel to a lot of places. Unfortunately, life has a lot of downs. Heartbreak, death, pain, and more.

When I first started writing this letter, I thought that maybe it could be a neat beginning of a book but the more that I write, the more I realize that's it too real. Maybe not to the reader, but this is real to me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This was the beginning of a suicide note I wrote about two years ago. And yet, here I still am. Keep powering through, it'll be ok.