For Better or for Worse (Stucky)

Recordings

„What happened in this video?" Steve kept his voice neutral and formal, heart aching as he took in Bucky's expression of terror as he stared at the now black screen. „Mister Barnes."
Bucky's wide eyes flickered from the screen to Steve, inhaling shakily as he shook his head. „Don't... don't make me..."

„What happened in the recording?" Steve asked again, trying to keep his hands from shaking. Knowing today was tough.
„Don't..." Bucky shook his head, bringing his hand up to his hair as he just wanted Steve to stop.
„Mister Barnes."
„STOP IT! Stop this bullshit!" Bucky got up from his seat, pushing the laptop away from him on the table and turning away, bringing his hands up and running them over his teary eyes. „I'm sorry."

Steve sighed softly, moving over to him and slowly putting his hands onto his shoulders. „Buck. I know you can do this. You need to try."
Exhaling deeply, Bucky leant back against Steve, his toned back resting against his chest. „I can't. Not today."
„You've done it before. We've been getting you used to watching the videos for over a month now. So you'll be ready when we try and get you to work with a psychologist and go public about your whereabouts. About arguing for a pardon."

„I know that, Steve." Bucky replied, sighing as he realized how snappy he'd sounded. „Sorry."
„It's okay, sweet. Just try. You've done it before." Steve bit his lower lip, gently bending down and kissing the back of his nape. „Tell me. Only me."
Leaning into his touch, Bucky closed his eyes. „You saw it."
„You need to talk about it. What do you remember about this video?" Steve talked against his skin softly, holding some of his weight gently.

„It hurt. They... They were working on my shoulder. Before... before giving me the metal arm. They'd tried to sedate me but because of the serum my body deteriorated the anesthetic too fast." Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, moving slightly and holding onto Steve's hands with his own ones carefully -the last weeks having helped them heal and Steve having stopped being scared of Bucky's metal arm-. „So... I woke up. While they were working on it. Working on mechanically connecting my tendons to the metal so I can move it normally."

„What happened then? When you woke up?" Steve kissed his skin again softly, sighing.
Bucky bit the inside of his cheek harshly, shaking a bit. „Everything hurt. T-they were working on my open tendons and my nerves and everything hurt so bad. And there was blood everywhere when I woke up so I... I tried to stop them. To stop them from hurting me."
„How did you try?"
Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. „I tried to grab the scalpel but they took it away too quickly."

„And then?" Steve ran his fingers over Bucky's hands softly, letting him know he was there. Knowing this had to be the worst part.
„I just wanted them to stop..." Bucky justified, shaking his head again.
„What did you do?"
„One of them bend down over me. So I bit his neck." Bucky shuddered harshly, squeezing his eyes shut. „And ripped out his artery with my teeth."

Steve nodded softly, gently pressing his lips to Bucky's neck. Letting him know he'd done good. „Why did you do it? Final question."
Bucky nodded slowly, thinking of how they'd done this before. „It was self defense."
„Well done, sweet. Well done."

Bucky inhaled shakily, his throat aching with upset. „I need a minute."
Steve nodded, letting him go and watching him walk into their bedroom, gently closing the door behind himself. Sighing, Steve sat down by the table and looked at the screen. Skipping back to a part towards the end of the video, when Bucky had already woken up.
Chest clenching despite having seen it before, Steve took in the way he looked. How the frozen frame showed his face, distorted and sick looking. His skin so pale it seemed almost transparent, blue eyes wide in terror and pain, his mouth covered in hot red.

His teeth were bared like those of a rabid animal, covered in the blood which horribly contrasted his white skin. His beautiful eyes were glazed with panic, fear and anger. And despite the gruesome nature of it, Steve knew Bucky wasn't the monster this frame would make him seem to be. Steve knew his sweet love had been terrified and in pain. And he was convinced anyone who possessed the tiniest bit of empathy would know that, too.