Ablaze

Twenty Five

**Two months later – May**

Ashling's POV

"Okay, I think I've done enough shopping for today. I'm totally drained."

I laugh, "Not just me, but my bank account, too."

"I know, right. Prom is so fucking expensive."

"Yeah, but at least we'll look hot."

Prom season.

I had expected an entirely different outcome for prom. I didn't think it would be like this. But I'm excited to be with all of our friends. It's still two weeks away, but there were just some last minute things we had to get.

"I can't believe you're going with Del. I mean, I kind of expected him to ask you, but still."

"Hey... what do you mean you expected him to ask me?"

"Seriously? From the time that I met you guys, I could see it. I just wonder why you guys haven't made it official."

"Ugh, I know. We've hooked up so many times too, I've lost count. And I don't think either of us are seeing anyone else... I don't know."

I could tell Akita felt weird talking about Del since the whole Kaen situation, but it's fine. I don't want my issues to interfere with hers.

"Well, I think one you just needs to stop being a pussy and do it already." She slaps my arm and we laugh while walking to her car.

Kaen.

I haven't seen or spoken to him in two months. He stopped coming to school apparently, so nobody's seen him except for Del. Once he stopped coming to school, Akita and Del begged me to come back to class, so I did. It was good to be back in class with my friends again. But I was really worried about Kaen. Del assured me that he was fine, so I guess I can't do anything else. It's not my place to check up on him anymore. He made it clear that he didn't want to be with me and didn't care about me... so I should feel the same.

But I can't.

The love I have for Kaen will always be in me and I don't think it's ever going to go away for good, even if I meet someone else. Nobody could ever take the place that Kaen has in my heart.

It's still been really fucking rough, I'm not going to lie, but Akita has been there for me every single day and made sure I got through it. She told me she confronted him and Del that one night, but I told her to forgive them. Like I said before— I don't want my problems getting in the way of her relationships with them.

What sucks is that if he came up to me and told me he was sorry, and that he wanted to be with me... I would jump into his arms without even blinking. I would do anything to be with him again... and it's fucking pathetic. I would look like such an idiot if I went back to him. I don't even care. I just want him back.

Time went by in a blur. Days felt like weeks, weeks felt like months, and months felt like years. I don't know how one single person could change your life so immensely, but he did.

It was weird; I had stopped crying everyday, and the pain somehow lessened. My mind wasn't consumed by thoughts of him every second anymore... and I didn't know how to feel. I didn't want to be sad anymore, but at the same time... I didn't want it to stop. Being sad meant that I wasn't over him; that he was still the only one that I wanted to be with.

Now that I was feeling better, it was as if I was over him. That we were really over for good.

And I didn't like that.

I don't want to be sad. But I don't want to be over him, either.

I feel... guilty, almost, for not thinking about him everyday anymore. For not being miserable anymore. But I shouldn't. Because I know he's probably not thinking of me, and probably hasn't at all.

It's totally fucked.

Once Mr. Asano heard about our breakup, he gave me a whole long talk about it. He explained how he's known Kaen since he was a kid, and all of this other stuff about their past. He's been helping me get through it, too, which I'm thankful for. I try not to talk about it too much, because even though I may feel like I'm over it... I don't really think I am.

"Hey... you okay?"

"What? Sorry..."

"You looked like you were really deep in thought."

"I was."

"Kaen?"

"Yeah."

Akita gives me a sympathetic look, "I'm sorry. I thought our shopping would've been a good distraction."

"No, it was. I just can't help my mind from wandering sometimes. It's okay, really. I'm fine."

I can feel her looking at me as I fiddle with my thumbs, trying to stay cool.

I really fucking hate this. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Kaen's POV

Two months.

It's been two months since Ash and I broke up... and not a day goes by that I haven't thought about her.

I keep telling myself that I did what I had to do, but I'm regretting it more and more everyday. I miss her so fucking much, it pains me. My skin lingers for her touch; I miss the feeling of holding her in my arms, and now everything just feels so fucking empty. I've never once felt like this, not even when my parents kicked me out and I was all by myself.

I stopped going to school because I just didn't give a fuck about anything anymore. I almost started drinking again, but then Ryder caught me. He came to my apartment everyday to check on me, and made me do online school so that I would still be able to graduate.

I know Ash has probably been a wreck since we broke up, and it fucking kills me that I haven't been able to check up on her, or know how she's doing. She made all of her social media accounts private, and Akita refused to tell me anything about her. I almost went to the lengths of begging Del, but he wouldn't tell me either. I guess I deserve it. I don't have the right of knowing how she's doing anymore. I lost that right when I lied to her and broke her fucking heart.

That night just keeps replaying in my head, like a nightmare. The way her face looked... it was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. She was so fucking sad, and you could see that all of the trust she had in me had completely vanished in an instant. I just hope that she's doing well. All I want is for her to be happy. That's all that matters.

Prom is coming up in a few weeks, and I'm seriously debating on going or not. I never planned on going before, because I thought it was stupid. But then I met Ash. She had brought something up about it a while ago and she made me want to actually go. I was going to ask her and everything, but obviously that's not happening. And now... I don't really see the point in going again. Del is begging me to, and I know he'll kill me if I don't at least go to the prom house afterwards.

Maybe I should go.

It'll give me the chance to see Ash again... and I'm sure she'll look absolutely beautiful.

Ugh... would seeing her even be a good thing? It would probably be even more painful, but I want to see her. She probably still hates me and I don't know if I want to put either of us through that.

We'll be sitting fairly close to each other at graduation, too, since our last names are only one letter apart. I seriously debated on going to that as well, but I know Ryder would kill me if I didn't. Plus, I worked my ass off this year so I might as well just go. Even though I didn't have Ash here to help me study for our last final, I managed to do it all on my own and got a good grade, too. Guess she wasn't kidding when she said I wouldn't need her help one day.

Well, at least with that.