You never saw me(you only saw what you wanted to see)

1.My funeral

Lillia's P.O.V.

I picked up the next box. I hesitated to open it when I saw the title "Josh's Stuff" across the top flaps.                                                                          "One last time-"I mouthed.                                                                                         My eyes began to swell till I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. It's been a long time since I've let myself cry. I think it's okay if I let myself cry one more time before I end this all.

As I go through the photos and the little gifts he's gotten me, my mind wanders from the good like it always does... Why do I have to be the bigger person all the time? What else can I do? How much more pain will they cause me? Why can't he see that I just want my best friend back, that I never wanted anything like this?                                                    He never sees me, he never saw me. He only saw himself and only his pain, but he's not the only one hurting right now. He doesn't see what I see, what I saw. I'd keep fighting for him if only I had more fight in me. But I'm tired and I've run out. We were so happy. I always said that if I ever come to forgetting everything; he'd be the last thing I'd forget, because there's not a moment that goes by without him on my mind. He lives there, deep in my head. I tap my feet together laying on my bedroom floor, counting to ten, praying for another way, but nothing; no other thought.

I'm dead.

The pain is over and I am free from this world, at last.

Four days later...

I watch them all pass my body. Don't they know I'm dead? They must. They each mumble to my pale body. I've always been pale, but not that pale. I move closer to see what outfit they choose for me.              The black ruffled dress, my favorite dress. I've never been the type for dresses, but this dress was different from the rest. I notice that they've kept my hair the way I do it normally. My blonde dye is still bright as ever, covering my natural brown.

I'm surprised to find that there are people here, other than close family; even then I'd still be shocked.                                                                      I scan the room and see him, he's in the back. It nearly knocked me off my feet to see him. Josh Martin.                                                                        It's been months since he's spoken to me, why would he come? Suddenly, I'm clenching my fists. Once I realize it, I release. I'm not angry. I'm not angry, because he can't hurt me anymore. I had to die. I had no other permanent option. I needed peace, I needed release, and I needed to die. So many told me that "I need to die", and I believe them. It's all over now and I'm okay. He isn't the whole reason I left though. Not one person is capable of affecting me with such an impact. It's been the years of buildup. He just... sealed it. This world is already better without me.

Stopping my thought process, I continue. Where's Valerie...? I thought we resolved everything. So why would she NOT be at my funeral?? Am I not enough for her attendance to my final recognition? This is my big day and she's not even anywhere in sight. How could she not come..? They've finally seen me; they've acknowledged my existence and she isn't even aware of it. I've sacrificed so much for her and I'm so drained at this point. It's selfish of her; I mean there has to be a rule about attending your best friend's funeral. I circle the room several times to make sure I'm not misjudging her, but I never find her. She didn't even come. She was just as pretend as everyone else. I wanted to believe different, but I can't anymore.