You never saw me(you only saw what you wanted to see)

2.I Gave them all of me

Lillia's P.O.V.

Yes, I can admit it. I was a sucker for love. Okay, I'll be honest; I was blind when it came to Josh Martin. I saw him as everything and he saw me as nothing. I thought he'd fight for me, which was foolish of me. How could he fight for me when no one else would? I was so convinced he was different, that's why I let him in. I fell in love with him. I let myself fall for him. Gosh, I wanted a life with him, but it's too late; you only get so many trips around the sun and our time ran out. "Are...are-you-nervous?" I asked softly. "A little-" He rubbed his fingers against my cheek. "You trust me?" He added after a moment. "No one else" I kissed him. His eyes staring straight into mine, that's the moment I knew I would love him forever. He held my hand into class all those days, and I held his by his father's grave. Our bond was close and it seemed unbreakable. I wanted to love him forever. He's had me wrapped around his finger since day one. He's had me messed up, all undone, and an emotional wreck. Whether I'll admit it or not; he's had a grip on me I couldn't break from.

I'm not sad that he cussed me out before leaving my life. I deserved it. I'm sad because he said I was just a "mistake". I'm sad because he never loved me. I'm sad because I was stupid enough to think he did. I was stupid enough to think that he or Valerie cared. I was stupid in general and I should have known that beforehand. That March, I gave him all I had left to give. I remember feeling beautiful and confident about myself; he had a way of making me feel that way. I've always believed in saving yourself for that one person you'll be spending the rest of your life with; I was so sure that he was that one. People say that's because everyone is. A friend of mine once said "That's because everyone wants to marry their first love." My mother said "Who doesn't want to marry their best friend?" Maybe they were right; this feeling for him is what everyone has at this age. But there's a chance that it's real, they could have been wrong, we could have been meant for each other... I remember him holding me in his arms and feeling no shame. He made me completely forget everything and everyone in those little moments. I forgot all the wrong I'd done, all the ones who'd wronged me. I was broken and he put me back together again. One human, one true love, I was done searching for my missing half. He was right there, right in front of me. I have this strong feeling for him. When he's around me it's intoxicating, and the air's always heavy. When I look at him I'm at a loss of words. I don't know who I become when he's near; I've never seen her before. I remember his lips pressed against my forehead. I told him all he wanted to know and I showed him my love. I felt like if I'd show him, he'd never deny it or forget it. I tangled myself up in him, I was sure he did the same in me. I lost myself. I gave him all of me. Sometimes, we cuddled up as we fell asleep. I'd end up crying at the end of the day and he'd always be there.

Occasionally, we'd go out with Valerie and Trey. We'd all laugh and we were happy. I was happy. Those were the last times I remember smiling and feeling something. It was always Josh or Valerie. They both always made me feel wanted, but now I just feel used and forgotten; a memory of theirs. I guess, after they left....I just didn't see a point to hoping in what I had before them. It was happiness, hoping for happiness. I don't think I could have ever been that girl again, not without them; not without Memaw.