You never saw me(you only saw what you wanted to see)

3.Too close

Lillia's P.O.V.

Three days later...

As I walked through the park, a rush of flashbacks came flooding back to me. When I was younger I use to stand on the table and sing my heart out in a diaper. I had big dreams of being the girl that everyone knew about and not just that; everyone wanted to know. I was always the little girl in the back, humming to herself in the middle of the party. Sure, I've never been my own superstar but, music was something beyond this world to me. At age six, I got this children's Barbie piano for Christmas. I'd always go and play when I needed a release. I stopped caring about everything. I kept telling myself that I was right to leave Josh like I did. It happened so fast and I couldn't figure it out. Eventually, I got older and just couldn't play it anymore. Every now and then, I'd bend over, play the old wore out keys before heading to school. It was my refill of strength and hope for the day. Now, I just let others do the playing as I soak it all in. Well I use to; I'm dead now, so... The honking of a stupid semi driver wakes me out of my daze. In front of me sits my mother, on a park bench. She's reading her book and she's all dressed up more than usual. I watch her for a while because she looks so peaceful. Then a taller man in a suit shows up, one I don't recognize. I watch as she stands up and kisses him. My heart picks up in pace. I watch as he wraps his arms around her.

How can my mother cheat on dad? How? When? Why?

I make my way towards the exit of the park and start heading for school. I need to get away from here. I wonder what I'd be studying anyway. As entering the building, the bell rings. I'd be on my way to History, Mr. Laws' class. I always sit in the back corner, I wonder if it'll be empty. Sure enough, my spot's already been taken. I turn my head to see who's been my replacement in life, Valerie? Valerie's my replacement? This doesn't make sense, At all. She always sits in the front, just to show those blondes who the real boss is. She's the complete opposite of me.

"I'm sorry to inform you of our loss. Lillia Carters will always be missed." Mr. Laws plainly said. "Yeah, right-" A guy snickered. "It's about time-"Another added, bumping fists with him. "She was starting to make me go blind with that face of hers." A girl laughed. "Those stupid T-shirts of hers were ridiculous." Another one laughed. Next thing I know, the whole class is cheering. Suddenly, Valerie stands up and excuses herself; and I'm not too shocked to see Josh plug his earbuds in. The teacher demanded her to sit down but she didn't listen. I don't have time for his drama right now; I need to make sure she's okay. I entered the bathroom and made my way to the second last one. How come she's doing everything I use to do? How is this even possible? How could she know? There she sat on the floor. Her sobs were silent, but loud. I joined her in the stall. I wanted to hug her because I know how it feels to need comfort, but not have it; but I can't.

"I have to think about me. I need to die. She'll be okay. She has to be-" I remind myself. She looks straight forward into my eyes, as if she knew I was there.

"Why?" She cried. "I'm sorry..." I mumble. "Why'd you have to leave me alone?" "You left me first..." I look down. Bringing this up hasn't ever helped me, it hasn't helped her either. "I didn't mean to hurt you; I didn't know you'd kill yourself. I didn't realize that it hurt so badly, but I do now. I know how it feels to have that pain you had. I know what it's like to be ignored, Lil. I know what it's like to be a stranger in your own house; I just never told you that. I cared about you, you couldn't see it. You were so busy all the time. I had to be strong for you, and all the others. You were the one who couldn't be strong anymore; and I couldn't give up too. I had that pain, and now the pain of losing you; if you couldn't live through this pain, how can I?" She let the tears fall. "I didn't-know-" I stutter. It stung more than I expected to hear her say that. I never want anyone to feel my amount of pain, let alone more. She's my bestfriend, how could I not see her hurting? Valerie has hurt me more times than I can count, so why do I feel bad? Why am I blaming myself for something all over again? I can't control this situation. I can't stop her from hurting. I've had to give her up over and over again. It gets more painful each time.

"You're stronger than me" I reach out my hand but I stop before our touch. She stands up and exits. I stay there on the floor. That was too close.

I don't want to live anymore. The thought that I wanted to comfort her is enough. "It's enough", I assure myself. I never even had anyone think of me. She's more ahead of it then I was because what she doesn't know is, I can see her. I can still know and feel the pain of her. I always will. Nothing can change the relationship we had, not even death. I can never truly give her up, even if she doesn't realize that for herself. She's much stronger than me and she can make it, I know she will.

As soon as I got back home, I pulled a box from the top shelf of my closet and threw on some of Memaw's clothes, worn and torn...but I didn't care. I had snuck them out of her dresser when her and mother were fighting. I heard them say I wasn't going to come back to see her. It broke me, but I sucked it up and knew I needed something of her to get me through this life. If there was any way of knowing what to do, I'd need her.

I curled up in my window bench with Zoey, my cat, and sat in great thought. I don't know what to do with all these unplanned events occurring in my life. I don't. "Tell me Memaw...tell me. Please, tell me." I whisper, rubbing the sleeve to the old shirt. 

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