Happily Ever After Comes At A Price

Chapter 34: Dark Side

   "Selina?" Zahar rushes to my side, concern dripping through this voice. Long gone was the throaty hoarseness that greeted me this morning. He takes in the scene unfolding before me and doesn't say a word. He looks up at me and outstretches his hand towards mine as if asking permission. His doctor instincts must have kicked in.  His large palm easily grips my thin wrist but never before this had I realized that someone with callouses running all through his palm could handle anything this delicately. He handled me like I was a fragile porcelain. One tiny slip and I would shatter into a million pieces.

   I hated it. It was one thing to be broken inside and it was another to be treated broken by everybody. I didn't need his pity. I didn't' need his sympathy.

   I tug my hand away from his grip. He cocks his head to the side and looks at me quizzically. 

   "Selina, I need to get that dressed. You can get an infection." He's careful to enunciate all words properly. I don't know if that's his medic at work or he's not sure if I'm mentally stable. 

   I manage out a small nod and watch the crimson ooze out of my palm and droplets patter on the blue plastic table. I hear Zahar shuffling in the background for the first aid. Two fingers of my unscathed hand applies pressure on the wound; more blood flows out. The drops on the table are a tiny puddle now. It's beautiful, isn't it? I flip my palm down and watch the thin blue-green veins snaking up and down my hand. It's so easy and simple to die. It's so easy to kill yourself. If only one had more courage. I certainly don't. What a pathetic excuse of a person I am.

   "Selina?" Zahar calls out. He's standing in front of me, staring wide eyed at the tiny pool of blood I've created. He thinks I'm so fragile. He thinks I cannot handle a bit of blood. He's doesn't know how wrong he is.

   "Fascinating, isn't it?" I ask him, motioning to the blood in front of me. He hums assent as he takes a cautious seat beside me, watching my every move. He's definitely thinking I'm deranged. Maybe I am.

   And when all his timid hand takes mine again, all the walls I've been building for the past God knows how many months. The dam breaks down and everything comes flooding out. Raw emotions with a side of blood.

   "There was s-so much blood that night..." I splutter out. My whole body shakes with violent spasms of sobs. My grip on his hand tightens and more blood flows out through the cracks between our skins. The brazen tears flow down unashamedly. With all the power in me, I manage to keep my eyes closed. Anything to avoid eye-contact. Two days with him, two freaking days only and he's seen me in the most vulnerable state that I could ever me in. I hate this powerless feeling; I hate being at his mercy.

   "Selina, please look at me." His voice is soft and once again, it reaches the depth of my core.

   I scoff at him. "I can't see your face because of these damn tears." I let out my exasperated response. He chuckles, and I feel tiny butterflies in my stomach.

   Oh God, no. Please no. I can't deal with those emotions too. They don't bring anything but pain. I'm broken, I'm numb. But this creature, right in front of me, why on earth does he make me feel this way? Why do I feel something when he's around? Selina, how could you forget what happened last time you felt something? It robbed you of everything, didn't it?

   I'm pulled out of my tightening gyre of endless thought with the sound of his voice. "Selina..." I hate the way he says my name; I hate the way it reveals he cares. What if I'm reading everything wrong all over again?  "...can I touch you?"

   I jerk my hand away from him. I didn't even realize the soothing circles he was creating with his thumb, but now it's cold. Cold, empty and barely bleeding. Staring at the blurry figure with a confused frown on my face, I brush away whatever tears I can with the back of my hand.

   "W-what do y-you mean?" I say with a quiet quiver in my voice.

   "Oh God. No." Zahar groans in a horrified. This time it was my turn adorn the quizzical look. "That came out so wrong. It's just that you were crying and I've never been in this situation before. I didn't know what to do. You looked so... so... s-sad and I wanted to comfort you. I'm really, really bad with words." He huffs out a small chuckle and I smile in return to encourage him to go on. "I thought maybe a hug could help. But that would mean I'd have to make physical contact." His voice grows soft and sad smile tugs his lips. "And I need to know your boundaries... before I do something irrational... I don't want to push you. But I don't want you to be this broken either...  You have this amazing, beautiful smile. I wanna see more of that..." He ends with a shy smile and a pink blush tinting his cheeks.

   I stare at him, trying to comprehend his words. The only things I remember from the last few months were disgusted words and disparaging looks. And here this man is, a practical stranger, caring for me, caring about me. No man can keep up a front this long and look so sincere. Believe me, I know. The dark side of my mind wonders what he might have to gain? The other half latches onto the hope of some goodness in my life. I shrug the thoughts aside and focus on the vulnerable man beside me.

   I hold his gaze and give him an encouraging, coy smile. "A hug would be nice." I whisper and he hears it.

  Before I know it, my entire body is encompassed in a hard, warm wall of muscles. I'm still sitting down and he's standing up. Defined arms are wrapped around my neck, pressing me against a more defined torso. Zahar holds me tight as if he's scared I will vanish into thin air. He leans down and presses his face into my hair. Inhaling slowly and exhaling slower still, Zahar starts reduce the pressure of his body against mine. I don't want him to leave. An involuntary whimper escapes from me and lift my hands to warp myself around his torso, pulling him in. He groans ever so silently, something I'm sure wasn't meant for my ears, and holds me tighter. His hand moves up and he gently starts to stroke my hair. For the first time in a long time, I feel secure, anchored. Waves were crashing all over me all this time, but he, ever since I've met him, had become my rock. It feels so good to finally have a surface to land on.

   "Selina?" Zahar's soft voice is muffled by my hair, "I'm here for you, okay? I know you're going through hell right now, and you probably think nothing's ever gonna be better again." 

   He pulls away slightly so that our eyes can lock. "I promise you with everything that I am, that I'll make your life better. If only you give me the chance to. I only ask for your patience. Tell me when I mess up or when you feel overwhelmed, okay?"

   He smiles slightly and I return it with a timid one. I don't think that I'll ever understand this man. 

   I take his hand in my wounded one. I frowns slightly when he realizes that we still had to dress it. I tug again, urging him to look at me. "Thank you." He just gives me a sad smile. He knows what I mean. For saving me from that family, for opening up his life to me, for stopping me from yet another downward spiral of hateful thoughts, for everything.

   ...

    Zahar can be quite the clean freak when he wants to be. He wiped down the entire table with antiseptic; even wore blue latex gloves. I liked seeing him work. Clean, calculated and composed. No longer could you see the raw vulnerability he often showed me. It was like he belonged. And there's nothing more attractive than a man who knows what he's doing.

   Yes, attractive. Sue me.

   I stare at him all the while he works. He doesn't seem to mind though. He even flashes me cheeky grins every once in a while. Once my hand's all wrapped up, we sit next to each other in tranquil silence. It's almost noon - I don't know if he has work or school. I barely know him at all. But what I do know is that the man eating his re-heated breakfast beside me is a good person. That's more than enough for now.