Happily Ever After Comes At A Price

Chapter 36: Comfort

Zahar's POV:

   There's comfort in familiarity. There's something about routine and predictability that has always soothed me. I liked knowing what comes next, even if it never did. I thought life couldn't surprise me anymore, I thought I had seen all there was to see. But when she fell into my life, I realized I had only seen the darker half of life.  For the first time, I was curious of what the better half of it could bring to me. For the first time, I wanted to chase it.

***

   My childhood had never been the smoothest or the happiest. Everything that I am today was a work of great perseverance. I've always taken pride on that. But I've seen greater men fall because of petty pride. I've seen strong men become ruthless monsters. I've seen some monsters too. All my life, all I ever wanted to be was a normal person. When my drunken father taught me to hide my emotions, I learned to embrace them. I lived a life without love and I was prepared to spend the rest without it too. Marriage was a duty, and even though the prospect came sooner than when I would've liked it to - it came with the opportunity to be free of my  darker past. I was more than happy to oblige willingly. The fast pace also meant that the woman I would be marrying would have her equal share of demons. All the hag of a step-mother told me that she left this country with her parents but came back without them. If I didn't stop that gossip magazine, she would've told me more. I didn't want to know. It didn't matter to me what she did. She would be living her own life, and I would mine. She would have her duties and I would have mine. I promised myself that I would never be the reflection of my father. I would treat her with kindness and respect. I couldn't promise her love but a mutual sense of platonic friendship was more than enough for a happy life. At least, I hoped it. It was a risk I was willing to take. 

   When my wretched family took me to hers, I kept my calm. When that uncle of hers took me aside and told me she would keep me a good time, that she knew what she was doing, I kept my calm. I kept the assumptions at bay.

   All that was futile the moment I laid my eyes on her. Selina... The words rolled off of my tongue so easily. I thought she would be one to stride in the room with confidence. Instead, I saw a broken girl being dragged down by her aunt; her nails digging out blood from the frail girl. She was broken, maybe more broken than I ever had been. Her limp was stoic, but the way her shoulders shagged betrayed anything but. One look at her, not even her face and I knew that whatever happened to her had almost drained her will to live...

   And I needed to save her...

When my brown eyes locked with her bloodshot hazel ones, my heart tugged in pain. She was terrified of what was to come to her life. I realized that she was terrified of me. The girl looked at me through the mirror was braving her demons all alone, like I did. I see questions lighting up is her face... Too many emotions blur through those deep eyes all at once. I want to know her story... I want to know her better... It's a good thing we have all the time in the world now. I can only hope she'll open up to me... Till then, I'll take whatever she gives me...

***

   Last night, I left her in my room. I didn't want to leave her all alone in a house she knows nothing of. But it was necessary. I needed to respect her privacy, a one bed trope was hardly hilarious when the other person was on the verge of a panic attack - the cause of which was none other than me. It was worth it in the end. I made her laugh and it was beautiful. Just like her... Despite the cracks and edges, she was beautiful... But it was still a long time before she would be realizing that...

*** 

   She talked today. I heard a coarse voice- either she cried herself to sleep last night or she hadn't talked in a really long time. I hoped it was the latter, the former was too painful for me. Why it hurt me I didn't even know, I didn't want to know. I couldn't help myself around her. Beneath all that hurt was a witty girl with a sass. There was someone in there who knew who she was, even though that girl was buried in deep. She was curious, she was innocent of the ways of the world. And that made her pain unbearable. I never thought I would be able to decipher so much from her looks or the way she held herself. But then again, I'd never paid more attention to anyone before...

***

   Does she feel it too? The fireworks that I felt when I hugged her? Maybe that's just the man in me reveling in the touch of a woman of the very first time. This connection, I hardly think it's on her mind at times like this. She needs a friend right now, and a friend is all I'll be.

***

    There's comfort in familiarity. And it warms my heart to see her warming up to me. The door to her room is no longer locked, the food in the fridge no longer stays full like the first few days of her here. Even though her usual route from her room to the kitchen remains the only area she's explored- she's started to volunteer with chores too. No matter how many times I've told her I was more than capable of handling them myself, she would've budge. She's got a temper alright and ways too much stubbornness in her. It's admirable...

   The more I get to know these little quarks about her, more I appreciate her. She talks more often now. Every now and then, she gets lost in her own world - her gaze fixated at a faraway distance. I watch her, wondering if she's ever noticed how her hair glistens in the warmth of the sunlight. She doesn't know this but I've never smiled this much in my entire life before she was here. I don't even try to hide it. She's the reason the once empty house is now filled with laughter...

***

   Selina sure knows how to carry guilt. Then again I've never been in her position before so I don't know what it's like to mourn someone. Sure, I've wondered what it would be like to have a loving mother and a father to look up to. But how can you ever miss what never was. But she, she looked like she had everything and she let it slip through the gaps of her fingers. Sometimes, she stops herself mid-laugh and her eyes brim with regret and guilt. I want to hold her tight and tell her it's not he fault. That if she perseveres, she'll tame her demons. That one day, everything she thinks is wrong with her will mould her into this amazing her. But she's hurting. And sometimes, you just need to let the hurt drill through you before you can stand up and brush yourself off. All I can do is make sure she doesn't give up before her battles are over...

***

   Today had been a day of questions. A sunny mood shone on her and she showered me with questions. No question was that of great consequence yet I chose my words carefully. I still didn't know her story and anything that could trigger a change is her playful mood was to be avoided at all costs. I told her about my part time job at my friend's pharmacy. I told her that I loved our country but the way it was suffering at our own hands was despicable. She was more than surprised to hear I would be working towards psychiatrist.

"I didn't know I married a shrink." She laughed after managing a feeble smirk.

I only smiled in return. She was accepting our bond. May it be purely legal for now, but she was open to the possibility of us. She may not realize it now, but that's okay... As long as she's okay...

***

   It was late at night when I came back home. Home, the place really does feel like a home now. It felt better knowing that Selina was there, comfortable in her bed. Safe in our home... When I unlocked the door, I was welcomed with lights from the living room illuminating the hall way. I frowned when I realized that she had been waiting up for me. She should be sleeping... But there she was, plopped up on the sofa, mindlessly flicking through different channels on the small TV. She still hadn't noticed me...

I tiptoe to her distracted figure and whispered her name near her ear, loving the way it sounded in my voice. She jumped at the sound, clutching her heart, eyes wide in unknown fear. It disappeared as soon as she saw me howling in laughter. She hit me in the chest and retracted her hand quickly in embarrassment. A part of me longed to have her touch on me again but I shoved that thought deep, deep down. All of the day's exhaustion was gone now. I plopped on the sofa beside her, reaching for the snacks on her side that she was nibbling on. Selina blushes, as if caught red-handed doing something she was not supposed to. I wanted to assure her that it was her home too, but I was caught up in the warmth of blood on her cheeks - wondering what they would feel like.

"Come on, let's watch a movie." I stage-whisper loudly in a silly voice, trying to distract my straying thoughts.

She chuckles but complies anyways.

And before I knew it, her head dozed down in my shoulder, soft breaths fluttering in and out. Her body leaned in to bask in the warmth of mine. This, this right here, this was what heavenly comfort was...