Happily Ever After Comes At A Price

Chapter 40: Trust

   "... Fate brought you to me, brought us together. And watching you try and piece yourself together changed me forever. I had no control over falling in love with you Selina. But I did, and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me... How could I not care about you?"

   No, God please, no. This can't happen to me again. He can't do this me.

   "No." I shout, shoving him away from me. "You can't do this to me.  You can't fall in love with me." My body was shaking with anxiety, scalding heat flowing through every cell. My vision started to blur, dark spots danced around, head spinning furiously. I gripped a nearby surface to prevent my body from crashing down,. All I saw was darkness, my trachea clawing desperately to take in oxygen, closing in around empty air. Every ragged breath comes as struggling gasps as his words echo repeatedly in my head. How could I not care? How could I not care? I had no control over falling in love with you Selina.  Everything spins, there's a rush of movement I can't place and then I fall, fall into a warm comfort rather than the cold, hard floor.

***

   Golden flakes of sunlight dance on my eyelids. It's soft and teasing, but I groan and turn away. My familiar bed is warm, filled with an unfamiliar sense of safety. I snug in further towards the solicitous feeling. Flinging my arms to where a throw pillow would be, I'm meet with a sleek, long, hard surface. The foreign impression sends my brain in hyperdrive and my eyes jerk awake. My heart twists when I take in the scene.

   Zahar is sitting on the bed, his head dangling in an awkward angle as he snores away softly. The expression on his face is anything but serene. His hands were outstretched, I realized, clutching my hand tightly. He's afraid I'll let go... What pains me is not his troubled contour, he the way it reminded me of what he looked like last night- he looked at me as if I was worth something... He thinks I don't care about him too, but that's the problem isn't it? That I care? 

   The quiet shuffling stirs him awake with a jolt and instantly his alert eyes scan my entire body. I know he's just worried, and there's no other reason, but I still blush under his scrutiny. When his eyes finally land on our interweaved hands, for the first time since I've known him, he doesn't ask permission. Yanking me forward till our chest touch, he buries his face in the crook of my neck and inhales deeply. Arms surround me completely. I shiver at his touch. A touch had never felt this good before, a breath had never stopped my heart. It's only after a while that I realize that Zahar is trembling. Even the long inhales come out as ragged puffs. I pull away at the sound, pushing against the arms that don't want to let me go. I'd never thought this beautiful feeling could feel this painful. The throbbing only intensifies when I notice his usual warm brown eyes rimmed with a red puffiness. It was as if someone thrust a dagger into my heart and twisted it mercilessly. This time, it was me who snaked my arms around his neck, pulling him in. He doesn't even hesitate in reveling in our warmth- tugging me forward till I'm secured and safe on his lap. I know he's miserable because of my words, he's miserable because I've hurt him. But I can't take my words back- even if I could I wouldn't. 

   It was a long time before with either of us pulled away- only because both our stomachs were grumbling angrily in protest. Wordlessly, with our hands still joined, he takes me to the kitchen and within minutes, a bowl of cereal is in front of us both. Both of us sitting opposite to each other, hungry but without an appetite. He's the one to break the silence as usual.

   "Selina?"

   "Hmm?"

    "I think you had a panic attack." He states, looking a little tired and worn, and definitely a whole lot worried.