Happily Ever After Comes At A Price

Epilogue II: Goodbye

Hi Selina.

I hope this letter reaches you in good health. After everything you've been through, I can only pray you're doing good, wherever you are, whoever you're with. Are you okay Selina? Are you really? I know I've lost the right to ask a long time ago, but I have to ask. After all, this will probably be the last thing I write, so why keep any regrets, right? I have enough regrets already. And I hope this makes it a little easier to bear, knowing that I've tried to pay for my sins. After what I've done to you, I deserve something worse than hell. And if you think this is a way I'm trying to give you an excuse, it's not. I was done with excuses a long time ago. The last person I have anything left to say is you; quite frankly, you're the only person I have anything left to say. And this is why you're holding the last piece of me in your hands. You may not like that notion anymore, but the fact that it's you gives me one last sliver of peace. Peace that I certainly don't deserve...

Where do I start Selina? Would you even read to the end? Don't I repulse you? You know... I have nightmares now. They all revolve around you. Sometimes they start with you smiling up at me, your eyes lighting up at the humour of my joke. You laugh so hard that you start to cry. Lone tears become unstoppable streams and then you start screaming. Words I've never heard you utter but you say them in my dreams anyway. You say I've ruined your life, you say I lied, broke your trust. I agree every time. And when I try to reach you, you flinch and move away. It starts to rain blood and the echoes of your screams engulf me. I can't move, I can't talk, I stay there until I drown. I die every single night and I never thought dying would hurt so much. But you were right about one thing. It does feel good to write down everything, the words that were stuck are inside me are now flowing out. And it's all because of you.

Do you want to know what was on my mind that night, Selina? Nothing. I don't remember what I was doing, I just know what I did. We hadn't met in a week, I hadn't touched you in a week, you hadn't smiled at me for a week. And I knew it was all my fault. I fucked up Selina. You found out that I was all shades of fucked up and you reacted the only way you could think of. This wasn't one of your fantasy books; it was the real world and all you asked from me was time. I couldn't keep such a simple request... How could I have ever thought I could keep you happy for the rest of your life? You are all the best things, all the good things in the world wrapped up in one, and I was nothing but havoc and wreckage... How could I have ever deserved you? You deserved so much better and I only proved it. I only wish it hadn't meant you going through that much hurt. I didn't know what I was doing. The doctors told me I was doing through a hyper-maniac phase. I was hurting, physically and mentally... And I tried to make the pain go away in the only way I knew. I took too many pills, too much alcohol. Sometimes, Selina, something  possesses me. I can't think straight. I wasn't thinking and look what I did. I took away loved ones from the only girl who showed me love for the first time in my life. Did you ever love me, Selina? Do you only feel hatred now, or do you remember the good times too? 

Move on, Selina. Hate me, please. If you ever find yourself in from of my grave, massacre the area, burn the place down. I don't even deserve your hatred, I don't deserve any of your thoughts. You gave me everything, but I took everything from you. Evil doesn't even cover what I am.

I don't know when I got this fucked up. I don't know when it started. Maybe, it was like this from the very beginning. Maybe, I was always this broken. But when I broke you, it shattered me. I cost you your home, your family. And if I could apologize for the rest of my life, I would. But a sorry cannot cover some crimes. I'm a burden to this world, I'm a hazard to you. And if I lose my mind one day, I'm terrified of what I could do to you too. I still care about you, Selina, I really do. This is why I'm doing this. My parents will bail me out any day now, money does unspeakable things. But I don't wanna go out there, knowing what I have done, what I could do. Maybe in death, I'll finally be able to meet your parents. I'll apologize to them too. They'll probably kill me again, but it'll be worth it. I'm rambling now, aren't I? I always get lost talking to you. I miss you, but don't miss me back. The guards are coming to switch rounds soon. I have to wrap up sooner than I'd like to. Funny, isn't it? That my last words have to be so rushed?

I guess, this is goodbye Selina. This wrecked soul will always be at your mercy. I still haven't thought about the end yet but that's just me, being me - always impulsive. I know when trust is broken, a sorry means nothing. But let me tell you this, I never meant it, I never wanted all this to happen. I only wanted you close to me, I only wanted your smiles. I had my happily ever after with you and I let it slip way. Now, I can only wait for the end. But you, you have so much more to see in this world, so much more love to give.  Don't let me burn out your fire, find someone to keep it ablaze. Find your happily ever after Selina, like you always loved in those Disney movies. You're won't be my princess anymore, and as much as it hurts, I know you'll be happier being someone else's queen. You'll finally be happy then. And that's all I ask of you.

And when you're ready, come to my grave, say how stupid I was and anything else you'd want to add and forgive me. Please. Only you can free me from my demons. And I'm placing hope in your kind heart that you will do so one day. Goodbye Selina. I hope you find the someone and he'll patch up the tapestry that I shred...