Fifty Ways to Love You - Emily Prentiss x OC

16. do you like to hold me?

(trigger warnings: torture and rape)

Two months we've been together. JJ was still the only person who knew, and she could keep a secret like nobody's business.

Outside of work, Emily spent much of her time at my apartment. Sitting on my couch, cuddling with me, giving me a thousand kisses a day. Her soft lips on my tired body was the most incredible sensation.

"Mm, my beautiful girl," she groaned against me, "I'm so glad I get to hold you and kiss you and make you mine." Emily pressed more kisses to my belly. "You're mine," she repeated. Instead of sounding possessive, she was sweet and warm, filling me with contentment.

"Emily," I started.

She sensed my want to start a conversation, and moved up so her face was beside my shoulder instead of my abdomen.

"I adore how you care for me." I fought back tears. "You make me feel so safe, Em. I don't know how to express it. I hope you feel as happy in this relationship as I do."

Emily dug her face into my chest, finding happiness in hiding in my gray t-shirt somehow. I kissed the top of her head and let her relax in my arms.

I continued to speak to her, "And you don't have to say something, because I know you'll tell me how you feel in your own time, angel. I just need you to know how deeply I care for you."

"I'm crazy about you," she laughed through weeps. "I don't know how to tell you, I need more time to gather my thoughts and phrase it better, because I like to be eloquent, I like how it makes you blush, but...I'm absolutely crazy for you, Galya."

We both laughed with joy. Our gentle mouths left kisses on the other's lips and body. There was no occasion, nothing to celebrate, only the simple fact that we had the other.

"Baby, here, let me..." Emily moved so she could spoon me, kissing the back of my neck every little while. "My girl. I've got you. Let me keep you safe and happy, baby. You're mine, hmm?"

"Yours," I echoed softly.

When she praised me, I was safe, happy to be hers. I did a good job? I was a good girl? I craved that validation and she was more than willing to give it to me.

When she held me, I was warm and protected, wearing the memories of her grasp like armor. Her kisses reminded me that she wanted me as hers, too.

"Em, do you like to hold me?" I asked meekly.

"What—? Of course, angel, why do you ask that?"

I chuckled, "No, I mean, like, as opposed to the other way around; do you prefer to hold me or be held by me?"

"Oh," she said, realizing what I'd meant. "Either way is good, baby, but I do like to hold you. It feels good knowing I make you feel nice and safe. Trust me, I get just as much pleasure from holding you as you do from being held, angel."

I nearly cried. Emily was too sweet. Too good to me. I wanted to kiss her, but we weren't face-to-face and it was exhausting and uncomfortable to move. I instead took her hand and gave its back a kiss, then stroked with my thumb the space I had kissed.

"Emily," I whispered. "Thank you,"

"Hmm?"

"I, uh...you can't imagine how...weird...things have been for me since Russia. It's been a long time since then, but...I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it, uh..." I exhaled.

"And you don't have to, beautiful, there's no rush, you hear me?"

"Mm-hmm. Yeah. Uh, but I, you make me feel really good. Safe. I haven't felt safe in a while. So thank you." Crying in front of Emily, especially while she was already holding and comforting me, wasn't so bad. She helped me roll over so she could hold me to her chest. "I don't know—"

"Shh, shh, you're good, angel, I've got you. You're safe with me."

-

I woke up in the night from a nightmare, and Emily was already sitting up with a concerned expression etched on her face. "Emily!" I gasped.

"Hey, sweetheart, you're at home, it's okay. It's just me, just Emily, baby, I've got you." I wanted her arms around me so I got closer to her and sobbed into the cold night air. "Galina, I'm right here, baby. You're okay. It's okay, baby,"

"I can't..." I cried. "Emily..."

My girlfriend kept her arms around me, rocking slightly, until I calmed. "Hey there, sweet girl, how you doing?" she asked softly.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Don't be sorry, angel. Are you better now? I know how intense your nightmares can get. You doing better?"

I nodded. "Mhm,"

"Okay, that's good. Do you want to tell me about it? You don't have to, sweetheart, it's okay. We can just go back to sleep if you want to, just let me know, baby. What do you wanna do?"

My wonderful girlfriend. I took a deep breath. "About Russia." She didn't know. She knew I was tortured. Not that I was raped. "They...you know they tortured me, right?"

"Yes, I know, baby." She rubbed my back and let me lean against her. "You're safe now, sweetheart, I've got you,"

"No, there was more than that. They..." I was so rudely interrupted by my sobs. "Emily..." She continued to run her hand up and down my back over my shirt. "Please don't let them hurt me."

Here's the thing. I knew they wouldn't. Logically, they couldn't. But to my brain, at three o'clock in the morning after having an evil nightmare, they absolutely could. I knew intellectually they couldn't get me, but that scared twenty-something inside me thought they could.

"I'm not, sweetheart. They can't ever hurt you again. It's over now." I cried for a few more minutes and let Emily comfort me. Why was I like this? "You don't have to tell me what happened, honey, but I'm here to listen if you do want to tell me, anytime, okay? I'm always here for you, sweetheart,"

"I've never told anyone," I whispered.

"That's okay. You're very brave, sweetheart. You don't have to do this alone. I've got you. You can tell me when you're ready. I'm not gonna pressure you, baby, but I am always here for you, whatever you need,"

"They sexually assaulted me," I croaked. Somehow I could never say the word 'raped'. It was too painful and violent, even though what they did to me was so painful and violent. It hurt too much. "Eight times over the three days, Emily, I can't..."

"Sweetheart." Her voice, thick with emotion, continued to comfort and reassure me. "I'm so sorry that happened. You're safe now, angel. I'll protect you. I've got you."

I couldn't cry anymore. Physically, I couldn't. I let her keep her arms around me as we sat back against the headboard. "It's why..." I sighed. "It's why I was so hesitant, at first, I..."

"Yeah." She understood. I didn't think she quite knew, though.

"I'd hardly been with anyone since. Like, a decade, I had sex maybe four times, generously?" She raised her eyebrows in surprise, but I could only see her out of the very corner of my eye.

"Not counting me?"

"Yeah, up until us. I've been so scared, Em,"

"You don't want to get hurt,"

"I have to trust them first. I trust you, and I trusted my ex. We dated for, like, a month in 2010," I chuckled. "So it's been a while." I made Emily smile a little. "Hey, at least I'm laughing instead of crying,"

"Yeah, that's good," she said with a small smile. "Thank you for trusting me enough to let me. I would never do anything without your consent, sweetheart, and I'm never going to pressure you to have sex, or to try something you don't want to do. As long as we both feel respected, and we communicate, I think we'll be just fine, Lina, yeah? And I feel really good in this relationship. I'm glad we have trust, and I'm so happy to know you feel strongly enough to let me help you break this wall, baby. I'm always here with you." I turned my head and put my forehead on her shoulder.

"Shit, Em, you're gonna make me cry again." We both laughed and sat together for a while before she helped me fall asleep.