I woke up early in the morning when I felt someone beside us. I looked down just to see my son playing with his toy.
Dahan dahan akong gumising at hinaplos ang ulo ng anak ko. Leo is still sleeping. I don't know how he got here dahil bago ako matulog ay naalala kong umalis siya ng kwarto.
"What are you playing?" Malambing kong tanong dito.
He didn't answer the question. But he smiled sweetly and set his toy beside.
"Hug, mommy." He said and opened his arms.
I felt hot tears beside my eyes. My cute baby boy. If this is a dream. I don't ever want to wake up.
I hugged him as I lay next to Leo. "Good morning, babies." he greeted.
Gising na pala ito. "Daddy,".
My son looked at his father and poked his nose. I laugh with what my son did. He's such a baby.
"I love you both." Narinig kung sabi ni Leo habang hinahalikan ko ang mga kamay ng anak ko.
How do I tell him that once we get back I want to have my son for one whole month without his presence to get to know more about my baby boy. Then we'll talk about the schedule on who's turn to take care of our child?
...
We're 2 hours away before our flight. My son was still getting ready and so am I. His Dad, Leo, is patiently waiting for us. Though he's in our room and watching me.
"How can you be so beautiful?"
He's staring at me with those pure innocent eyes that once drowned me with love.
"We need to talk." I said to change the topic. Trying my best not to get distracted with his stares just not to get my mascara messed up.
"We do. We have a lot of talking to do."
"I want space."
Tila naninikip ang dibdib ko sa sinabi at parang iniipit ang tiyan ko.
"We have so much space right now." Patay malisya niyang sagot.
Kaya inikot ko ang swivel chair at hinarap sakaniya. "No. I want space. Like space in my life. Give me time to process the whole thing without you. Just me. And my son."
I clarified.
It took him a minute before replying. "I don't want to lose you. I've lost the meaning of my life once when we got separated and I don't want it to happen again."
Kalmado parin ang boses niya ngunit bakas ang takot doon.
"Well have you thought about how I feel? For the last years, I have learned to live without you. You coming back to my life was the last thing I ever wanted. All I want was to move on and move forward."
I lied. I never learned to live without him. And I have realized it just now. I was blinded by my anger. And having him back to my arms is all I could ever ask for.
Because all these years, it has always been him over anyone else. But right now, I really need space. I don't want to be impulsive on my decisions again.
Hurting him was never my intention. But I need to get away from him to think about this. And to make up with the years I haven't been with my son.
"I'm sorry if I was being selfish. I'll give you space if you need space. And I hope, that you find in your heart to forgive me."
...
Gabi na kami naka-uwi kaya napag desisyonan nalang namin ni Leo na kumain na sa isang fine dining restaurant.
At hinatid naman niya ako papunta sa bahay ko dito sa Manila.
Inaasahan kong magugulat sila dahil sa pagpapakita ni Leo at sa batang karga ko. Ngunit hindi. Nung mga oras pala na wala akong malay sa hospital ay nakipag kasundo si Leo sa mga magulang ko na itatago niya pansamantala ang anak namin para sa kaligtasan ng lahat.
At ito na din ang huli naming pagkikita ni Leo. At hindi ko alam kung kaylan ba ulit kami magkikita. Dahil sa mga oras na ito ang gusto ko lamang ay makasama ang anak ko at mas makilala ito ng lubos.
***
Nag take ako ng leave sa negosyo ko ng mahigit 1 month para makapag bonding kami ng anak ko. Naka lista na sa schedule ko ang mga lugar na pupuntahan namin.
Nasa park kami pansamantala. Naka suot lamang ako ng white short at grey oversized t-shirt. Naka pusod ang buhok ko at may bitbit na bag. Muntik pa akong manibago sa suot ko. Dahil ngayon nalang ata ako nakapag crocks dahil madalas ay stiletto ang suot ko.
"Anak, let's take a picture here." Ini-ready ko ang front camera ng iphone ko at hinintay ko ang anak ko na makapag pose bago mag picture.
Ibinilhan ko ang anak ko ng ice cream at cotton candy dahil gusto niya daw nito. Pagkabili namin non ay sumakay na agad kami ng kotse ko at dumiretso papuntang star city.
Tuwang tuwa pa ang anak ko habang kumakain sa sasakyan. May mga patak na ng ice cream ang sasakyan ko ngunit bale wala lamang ito saakin dahil masaya ang anak ko.
Ilang rides lamang ang pwede sa anak ko dahil under 7 years old and below pa naman siya. Ngunit ginawa ko ang lahat upang maging masaya siya.
"Mommy, I'm tired." Natatawa ako habang tinitignan ang anak ko. He's so cute. Halatang napagod at nag enjoy siya buong araw.
Kinarga ko na siya at nakatulog naman ito sa balikat ko.
||R.A||
RAENA ALMEDA
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