To Be Alive And Desired

Chapter 7: The Woman Who Got What She Needed

While on their lunch break together, Elise and Anna sit across from one another at a fast-food restaurant two minutes away from their job.

Anna: Ok Elise, I won't interrupt you. I'll sit here and listen to you tell your story, and I won't judge.

Elise: Ok. Here goes.

Elise takes a deep breath, and then tells Anna her story of her romance with Holden Bennet.

Elise: Every day, for years, I went by unnoticed, and unwanted. Everyone would pass me by, not interested in anything I had to say. Every day was virtually the same. I'd wake up, make breakfast, send Nelson and the girls off to work and school. On days off I'd talk to a relative on the phone, mostly listening to them talk about their lives. Then on days I work, it's the same. I do my job, I listen to everyone else, and barely anybody cares to take a second look at me or listen. No one looks at me and says "I want her life". No one decent aside from Nelson looked at me and wanted to sweep me off my feet. And with Nelson, I just got bored. I know it sounds horrible, but it's the truth. He never changes. He likes everything just the way it is. But deep inside me, I wanted it to change. I wanted SO BAD for things to change. For something different to come into my life and make me feel alive. And then he came.

Anna pays close attention to every word coming out of Elise's mouth.

Elise: Holden Bennet. The man I didn't realize I needed so badly. He came into work a week ago and caught my eye as soon as I saw him. What seemed like another day, turned into one I'll never forget. The way he looked at me. The way he flirted. The way we got along, and connected. At work I'd constantly see guys flirting with younger women, like you and Jenna, and I would smile. I'd feel happy for you, but deep down I wished it would happen to me more. Then here is this gorgeous man, and he is interested in me. He complimented my earrings, which no one else even commented on. Not even Nelson. This man who could have pretty much any woman here, showed interest in me. He even wanted my number and I said no. Then he asked if I had Facebook, and I thought about saying no, and I THANK GOD I didn't. . . because I could have lost this man that I love.

Anna goes to speak, but stops herself.

Elise: I know I must seem crazy. Like a desperate older woman, but I don't care. He's twenty-seven, by the way.

Both ladies smile.

Elise: We messaged, and getting to know each other turned into flirting, and flirting turned into sexting. He wanted to have phone sex, and I agreed. I went to my laundry room and had phone sex with this man I had met two nights before, and it felt good! It felt dangerous! Then he wanted to have fun at work the next day. The day you and I started to walk out together, but I went back inside. I didn't have to go shopping. I was so scared, but I went over to the lawn and garden section, and we had so much fun. Holden and I kissed and put our hands all over one another. It was so sexy. Then he turned me around, felt me up, and fingered me right there. I knew how dangerous it was. Here I am with another man at my job, but for how good it felt, it was worth it.

Anna really wants to speak, but wants to stay true to her word in not interrupting Elise.

Elise: All of these things I hear about people doing. Cheating, sending nudes, doing sexual things in public. All of these things me and certainly Nelson put down. Here I was, doing them all, and loving every second of it. At points I would feel bad when I was at home, but then again I would find myself in the same cycle. The same routine of quiet me watching and listening to everyone else. But now I didn't mind it, because my mind was busy with thoughts of Holden. I truly feel like I'm a better person when I'm with him, and thinking about him. So when he wanted to get a room, I was more than happy to join him.

Although Elise isn't proud of cheating, she can't hold back a smile when she thinks about her time with Holden at the motel.

Elise: Yesterday we got a room together, and it was one of the best days of my life. We had PASSIONATE sex. Oh, it was the greatest. I forgot how incredible sex can be. How connected you can feel to someone during it. With Holden, it was all of that and so much more. And after it was done, we talked, laughed, ate together. It was like a dream. I never wanted it to end.

She gets tears in her eyes.

Elise: He sees me. He sees me in a way no one else does. Not even my own husband. This man came into my life and made me happy. He listens to me. He wants to know more about me. And when he talks, I love to listen. I want to know more about him. Sometimes I don't even know what it is he's talking about, but I want to hear it. I want to learn about it if he's interested in it. And when I talk, I know he feels the same way. We had the BEST heart-to-heart while we were in bed together. I told him how I felt about him, and I didn't hold back. Anna, I love Holden, and I told him. So many people wouldn't understand me, and they would judge. But you know what? Before this, I didn't feel alive. I didn't feel happy. I felt like no one wanted me. With Holden I don't feel any of those negative thoughts. With him I'm happy, so I'm glad I did it. I'm glad we both messaged each other this morning about doing it again. I can't wait to do it again! I know the risks. I know my heart could get broken, and it most likely will. But I would rather have that and be ridiculed by all of these miserable people around me, than to say I never did it. To say I was too scared to go for something I wanted. For something I NEEDED. Even after my heart's broken I know I'll be able to look back at this past week and smile. I'll be able to look back at a time not decades ago, and say I was happy. Happy about myself. Happy about the way I look. Happy about my life. And happy about my lover. I love him.

Anna: . . .

Elise: . . . That's it, for now. You can speak. I know you want to.

Anna lets out a sigh of relief.-

Anna: -Thank you. Where do I begin?

Elise: You can say it. Do you think I'm an idiot?

Anna holds Elise's hand.

Anna: No. You're not an idiot. You're a person. People make it like guys can cheat and it's just a part of being a man. Then a woman does it and suddenly they're called all of these names. Trust me, I know. I was the other woman though.

Elise: Holden has a girlfriend. He says she's alright with him being with other women.

Anna: I hate to break it to you, but there's a really good chance he just said that so you don't feel so bad. But, onto you and I. We're bad.-

-Both women laugh.

Elise: I know, but why doesn't it feel bad though? I mean, when I'm at home and see Nelson, I feel bad. Then whenever I think of Holden, I'm like on cloud nine and nothing feels wrong.

Anna: That's how it was with Patrick. We were having so much fun, we didn't care about any of the rumors going on about us. We were happy.

Elise sees sadness in Anna's eyes.

Anna: I thought he would leave his wife and kids to be with me. He made it out that way. I loved him, Elise. I really did.

Elise: I know you did.

Anna: I thought he loved me too, enough to choose me over them. Then everyone found out, and you know things got crazy. I went from a nice girl to the town whore who tried to break up a family. And before I knew it, he was gone. They moved away, and we didn't even get to say goodbye. I had to hear about it from fucking Jenna.

Elise rubs Anna's hand.

Anna: So I'm in no place to judge you, Elise. No one is. I'm pretty damn sure everyone has their secrets, even though they walk around pretending they're so innocent. I loved Patrick and when I lost him, it hurt. When I think back, it still hurts. But would I do it again? . . . You bet your ass I would. A woman's gotta live.

Elise: How about a married one?

Anna: That's for you to decide. You have a lot more to lose than a reputation. Do you think he's worth it?

Elise thinks before answering.

Elise: He is. I'm willing to risk it all for this man. And not just for him, but for me. As you said, a woman's gotta live. And this woman, plans on living a happy, exciting life.