Walk Through Fog

Shadows

I don't know if you're supposed to feel pain like I do. Everything is confusing ever since my accident and all I can remember are shadows. They stare at me, many of them, like I'm in a display case. I just want it all to end. The nightmares, the memories, the pain that I don't even know what the source is. Sometimes when the pain is so bad I have to think of the shadows so that the pain can go away. Instead I feel frightened and somehow that's better than feeling like a thousand knives are being thrown into your skull. I'm scared, I'm worried and half the time I have no idea where the hell I am. The Shadows are beautiful, they give me hope that there is more than the life I'm living. It's not a nice life, but it's better than the one I'm living and that makes it worth it. My mom says I hide away in my room too much. I'm perfectly fine with that though, it keeps the shadows away. Shadows can only be as scary as you can imagine them to be and in my room, they only keep the pain away. I live in fear and I know that may be bad, but I really, really love it because it keeps me safe. It keeps me from hurting myself because I would be scared of how people found me and how they would react.

I should probably tell you how my fear of shadows and pain began. The problem is, I only remember the shadows. They teach me to remember, teach me to think of how they got there instead of just staring at me and always hurting me and protecting me.

It started some days not long before now, I was walking along the street, I'm not sure which one, but many people were around me, most of them looked the same, but some looked different. All I could see was shadows, I couldn't see their faces, not daring to look up. I don't talk to people much, then or now, but I knew what people looked like from the ground, I guess that could be about me not having any self-confidence. Being scared to confront people because they had a chance of hurting me, just like other people have in the past. I'm not sure who those people are, but I know that they are gone, I'm just not sure how. I know that I was around seventeen, nearing eighteen and that I had a mother, but no father. I'm not sure where he was exactly. I knew my name was Alexandria Caitlyn Parkinson and I had a younger sister, named Madolyn. She's quite beautiful, around ten and she comes and checks on me everyday. I love her quite dearly, I'm just not sure why or how. I don't remember the day she was born, or many other days for that matter. The most I can remember is my accident, birthdays, vacations, and my family. Just not my father. It worries me if my memory is gone forever, but all I want to do is remember.

I believe it was a Tuesday, maybe, or a Friday. It was a day in the week. I was nervous, I was about to see the most amazing person-boy-the most amazing boy in the world. I had a feeling I loved him, and I always have. I don't know his name, but I want to know, I need to know. I feel like he is so perfect, I don't know what to think or do and all I want is for the shadows to come back, but I can't. I need to remember. I sat in my room staring at the wall, hoping memories would just pop into my head, like it was magic, but I knew something needed to trigger it. I was hoping my mom would help because I can't leave the house. When I said that my mom thinks I stay my room so much doesn't mean she wants me to go and hang out with my friends. I'm not allowed to leave the house, I haven't left in about two months since my accident, she says it's quite dangerous. I use the word quite a lot, I just seemed to notice. Jacob! That's the boys name, he's quite beautiful, just like Madolyn, just in a different way I suppose. He had just one freckle, right below his left eye, which were green and blended with the grass as we would lie together. His blonde hair clashing with the dirt underneath our heads. He was definitely beautiful. The kind of beautiful you can't get enough of and I had it all. Why did that stop? I wonder where he is. Why would he want to love me anyway? I'm far not as beautiful as him. I guess I wouldn't know though, I forget what I look like and I haven't looked in a mirror in quite some time. I wish I had the courage to, but the shadows pull me away from anything worth doing. I just want to remember.

I can feel them, sometimes it feels like they're pulling me away. I never know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I feel like my brain is fogged all the damn time and all I want to do is see his face and my moms, sisters, and figure out who my father is. Why can't I remember it? Sometimes it sounds like the shadows are talking to me, like they want to know if I will I will keep running or let them take over me. I usually choose the latter because I go numb and everything feels better, oh so much better. He lit up the world, made the shadows disappear and suddenly I can hear his voice. "I love you, you know that? Everyday I wish I could see you again. Your mom, she visits a lot, I'm usually here when she gets here. She tells me I need to get out more, stop leaving my room just so I can see you." A scoff escaped his mouth and suddenly I could see him, in a graveyard, like I was watching him from somewhere. Jacob looked back up at the grave, tears filling his eyes. "See you, that's funny. I can only see you in my brain and I guess that's good enough. God, Alie. Why did you do it? Why did you think that it was perfectly okay to do this to yourself. I love you-loved you. I don't know Alie. All I know is you shouldn't have been out that late! I should've been with you. So we had a fight, but...I need you. I miss you, Al. Where are you?

"God, I love you. They're looking for him, that son of a bitch that killed you. If they don't, I'll kill him myself. I love you, Beautiful. Forever." I was dead. I finally let the shadows take me and I saw it, the accident, the man with the gun. I was sobbing as he robbed the store I was in, I had just found out my dad was cheating on Mom. Jacob and I had a fight and I begged the man, begged him to kill me. That's exactly what he did. Jacob and I had been dating for three years, I loved him oh so much. He knew I had depression and he was the best through it all and so I just started yelling at him out of no where when I heard about Dad and he said nothing the whole time and just let me go. I was dead and would never get him back. Right before the shadows took me completely I whispered, "I love you too. Forever and Always." The last thing I saw was his slightly turned head before the shadows took me.